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Introduction Text Losing and gaining weight seems to be my plight. I have been through every program out there. I even had weight loss surgery in 2013, within a year I lost 90 pounds. I have since gained 70 of the back and that is just horrifying. In 2016 I quit drinking alcohol, which I should have done prior to weight loss surgery but I told no one then that I struggled with alcohol and I have a binge eating disorder that I also kept to myself... in hindsight I was not ready for weight loss surgery. This has all been traumatic. Now with the pandemic, I am in a space of hopelessness, but I can not quit. I am in charge of my own happiness, only I can do this. Here I go.....

I do not want to be svelte, I truly never had that desire. I want to be healthy and at a healthier weight then I am now. When I had weight loss surgery I got down to 152. I loved that, being a size 12 but in all honesty that was very hard to maintain and unrealistic. While many of us say the number is not important... it isn't to a point. I would love to be 170, I can be healthy and I am very active at 170. That is my goal. That is a 54 pound weight loss I am facing- with no surgery. Sigh....

I promised my nutritional therapist "NO MORE PROGRAM DIETS!" so I will utilize her dietary plan, exercise and mindfulness. That is my plan.

I am 53, happily married for 31 years and I have two adult children (28 and 24). This is my 18th year as a middle school counselor at the same middle school. I love my job, it is stressful but I am fortunate to really like what I do. I also own a machine shop business with my husband. He has been running that show since 1992, I left in 2003 to pursue my school counseling career. We have had many ups and downs, just like everyone else.

I struggle with depression, anxiety and an eating disorder. I have been sober for 4 years, working on year 5. I take meds for both depression and anxiety and will never be off of them- they work and when I don't take them that is when I remember that they work! I worked with a nutritional therapist for my eating disorder for 2 years, just flying solo 3 months before the pandemic. I have only gained 5 pounds since I discontinued therapy but that is because I play games with my binge eating and I am SO aware of that- that has to stop!

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