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At Allen Gardens june 2016

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Centre Island - June 2016

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me at the zoo the day after Canada Day 2016. 280 lbs. here. 1 month or so into BED therapy

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march 17/17:
I KNOW I will never diet again.

please be kind to yourselves people.
stop fighting fat!
before if my feet were sore: 'oh, my feet hurt: I MUST lose weight so they will feel better!'
now if my feet are sore: 'oh my feet hurt, better take care of that: gets insoles and rests = feet feel better!'

It is scientifically proven that long term weight loss is just about impossible and actually harmful to health AND that weight is NOT unhealthy. Saying that weight is the cause of illness if like saying yellow teeth are the cause of cancer. Although the smoker may be at risk of both yellow teeth and cancer, the yellow teeth are CORRELATION NOT CAUSATION.
fat is proven to be an indicator of longer life when all other things are controlled for.

Nov 20/2016: I hope I never diet again.
I will keep this page as a memory of my misguided beliefs about health.
adios Sparks. so long diets.
Hello acceptance. Welcome peace.
Over and out Sparks. You know I loved you. You know I felt that dieting and restricting was somehow a noble thing to do to prove to the world that I too hated my shape. My obsession with food and 'healthy lifestyle choices' was the most socially acceptable way ever to avoid living my actual life.
We just aren't a good fit anymore. I know better and I can't go back into the matrix here, no matter how appealing.
there are no good foods or bad foods. eating less than what your body needs is not a good idea. deprivation is not a good idea. it's a cruel way to live and it's basically being mean to yourself and then saying 'it's for your own good'... so abusive.
And there is WAY too much science to back this up now. Science.
I will not be going surfing or rock climbing anytime soon... But I do believe I will now have time to spend in other ways with my family and friends since I'm not spending all my time playing games with my food.

I have just come to terms with the fact that I have a raging Eating Disorder. Binge Eating Disorder = BED. A lot of things are making sense to me: like how I could not possibly know more about food and nutrition that I already do and no amount of knowledge would be helpful anyway... it's like telling an alcoholic 'hey.. you shouldn't drink so much'... thanks. so helpful.
here's another analogy that I'm fond of right now:
-Person 1 and person 2 have an abusive relationship where person 1 hits person 2 in the face constantly
-Person 2 realizes this is a problem: there are always bruises on the face
-Person 2 has tried EVERY THING to deal with the bruise: creams to cover, sunglasses to hide, ice or meat to heal faster... Surprise: nothing works! How oh how can I get rid of these bruises... bruises are hideous and make life hard, person 2 cries.
-Person 2 has to stop getting her face hit: the bruises aren't the problem. The hits to the face are.
fat is the bruise. it is the symptom of the issue, not the issue itself. it is life threatening at this point.
So I have to dramatically change my relationship with food.
Addiction means when you do something compulsively when you are aware of negative consequence... not being able to control your choices. (much different from just really digging a tv show, no?)
I have a lot going for me right now... My DH and I now own our first home! It's a condo we got for super cheap because it was trashed: we will be renovating for the next few years I'm guessing! We have swapped our downtown memberships at the AGO and the ROM for Science Centre and Toronto Zoo.
My DD is now 4 years old and brings unbelievable loads of pure joy to my life. She was Dx as ASD at 16 months so we have been getting all the support and services we could for her since then and she is doing AMAZING. Pretty sure she's an actual superhero..
I am now a licensed Security Guard and work part time as such. And I'm still plugging away at being an Illustrator but most of my gigs these days are more graphic design in nature.
In July, my first book will be published by Asquith press! (PUNK Pourri - The Colouring Book. Not as lame as it sounds... I will post some pix of it when it's done)
And then... as mentioned... I'm trying to journal daily so I can figure out the nature of my disease so I can actually heal up and eat normally and not feel panic and anxiety and stress constantly because I'm obsessing about FOOD.
I would still love to one day have a poker party at our home.. but I'm pretty freaking tired!
and that's where I'm at these days...
July 3/16

Member Since: 8/4/2006

Fitness Minutes: 11,800

My Goals:
deal with my eating disorder - DONE! :)
deal with my hashimotos - DONE! :)
deal with my anemia - DONE! :)
enjoy my family -EVERYDAY!

renovate our home - ONGOING...
publish book - done

My Program:
Books I highly recommend:
Health At Every Size - Linda Bacon
body Respect - Linda Bacon
Intuitive Eating - Evelyn Tribole
Why Weight - Geneen Roth

Blogs you just gotta check out:
Isabel Foxen Duke
Dances with Fat
Peaceful Eating

Facebook pages/social media stuff:
Fat Acceptance Goes to Eleven
Breaking the rules with Summer Innanen
Life. Unrestricted.

take synthroid daily
take vit D and iron daily
be nicer to Ryan and take good care of both Ryan and Ellinor and the cats
get something done off the reno list once per week

Personal Information:
Married to/in love with an awesome guy: Ryan. We have a beautiful daughter: Ellinor.
Interested in getting healthier, making art, and learning and trying new things!

I have a BFA and in the past, I have studied at digital media studios as well as the Institute of Holistic Nutrition.
I was vegan for 7 years, but it wasn't right for my body :(
Just like most people on this site, I'm sure: I have read A LOT of books on nutrition and weight loss. there's lots of ideas out there, but now, i've changed my focus: I'm looking inward and finding what works for me.

Other Information:
My illustration portfolio!

Married to Ryan! Since 2008

Read More About ARTNANRKY - Profile Information moved here. (Updated March 17)

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1,746 Days since:  starting BED recovery
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