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Every good choice I make is one less bad one. Every less bad one is one step closer to success!

Aug. 2009:
Well, I am now going to be 35 in two months and yet though spending time trying like a freakin yo-yo am now even heavier than I was when I wrote my original introduction below 2 years ago.
Amazing, will it ever change? I can't believe two years have gone by with my body getting worse instead of better! It's so depressing and I'm so upset with myself. I just want the weight off, period and am hoping and praying very hard that one day I'll be on here rejoicing instead of crying!

I am going to be 34 in 10 days and have struggled with my weight since I gave birth to my oldest son 16 years ago. There are a million reasons for me to lose weight, but mainly it's to save my marriage, my wieght problem has almost cost me my marriage because my husband has been so unhappy with my body for so long and just once I wish he would look at me like I'm beautiful and desirable!

November 16, 2008
I posted the following in the message boards but thought maybe it belonged here too:

I've been a memeber of spark since Nov. of 2007 but have been visiting more often over the last few months. I am 34, I am a mom of two boys 16 and 10 and a wife and I work full time as a secretary.
I have been doing the yo-yo thing for about the past 17 or so years.

I had my oldest son very young at only 17 and don't know what is like to have a good body since before that. I gained a lot of weight when I got pregnant with him going from about 129 pounds to 180. I lost some of that after he was born but NEVER saw 129 again.

When I married my husband in 1994 I lost about 30 pounds for the wedding going down to 140 but that didn't last long within a year I put it back on. Then in 1998 got pregnant with our second baby and topped the scales at about 199 the day he was born. I dropped back down to 170 right away where I stayed for quite a few years.

In 2004 after some depressing times, my husband's job loss and moving 1000 miles away from all my family and friends the scale started to climb again and in September of 2005 I realized I was 191 pounds!! At that same time I started to have some serious marital problems and couldn't eat allot due to nerves and to avoid the fighting in our home I would go out and walk 3 miles or so sometimes every night. I got down to 160 for some time and then as my problems worsened so did my depression and the scales climbed again.

In January 2008 I found out that my husband of almost 14 years was having an affair for the past 2.5 years. He's the only man I have ever been with and loved with all of my heart since I was 15 years old. This was some of the most devastating news I have ever received. To top it off after finding that out, the first thing he told me was that he has been unhappy with my body for years! Another blow, in a sense in my eyes a thin woman was so important to him that the affair was my fault for being fat! (my opinion not necessarily his words)

Since I found out about the affair (we are trying to save the marriage) I have again yo-yoed around in the past 10 months between fighting and counseling and crying etc. I went from 180 down to 163 and back up to 184 pounds and back down to current weight of 174 pounds, on my small 5'3" frame you can imagine how bad that is!
I know most of you will attack my husband saying that he's shallow and you are supposed to love someone for what's on the inside and a huge part of me agrees.

However for years I have known that he prefers an in-shape, thin woman and just haven't been able to fulfill that need for him. He can't even see me naked, I won't let him after being with him a total of 18 years I still hide in the closet to change.

And I remember about a year ago reading an article about relationships (specifically intimacy problems) and the doctor that wrote said if you come to him for marital counseling because the fire has died in the bedroom "don't expect any sympathy if you have let your body go". He said it was each person's responsibilty to keep themselves in shape for their spouse. He said "remember your spouse most likely did NOT choose a fat partner" so what would make you think that's what would make them happy now? This article made me die inside a little, it was harsh but made perfect sense!

For years my husband has begged to see me naked, has begged to see me in lingerie, has longed to see me a bathing suit without shorts and a t-shirt over it. Has longed to go to Victoria Secret and pick out some sexy little ensemble. And we just can't do any of these things!

You can imagine how I felt when I met with "the mistress" to see a girl about the size I was when my husband and I met.

Even after all the pain he has caused me I want to give him (AND MYSELF) what we have both longed for since the birth of our 1st son. I want to walk on his arm with him thinking "look at my hot wife", I want to spend a day picking out lingerie he chooses and come home and for the first time EVER be able to undress in front of him with pride, knowing he likes what he sees.

I know you are supposed to lose weight for yourself and no one else and it is for me too, these are things I have longed to do with him for years and years and years! And I want them so bad. Not to mention I just want to be healthier. My mom is way over weight, diabetic, bulging vericose veins, is 63 and can't get up easily and can't walk up 5 stairs without gasping for air. I do NOT want to be like that when I am 63! I don't want to be like that now! I want to "live until I die"!
I have spent the last two months or so getting more exercise, trying to develop better eating habits, and all that good stuff only to lose 10 pounds and my clothes are still tight, measurements haven't really changed or anything and I'm starting to get very discouraged. For the most part I try to get only 1500 calories per day. I drink only water, and allot of it (have for years), unsweetened green tea, I take fish oil and b12 and chromium. I do cardio atleast 4-5 times per week either walking 2-6 miles or doing a 25 minutes workout video or step aerobics for 30-45 minutes. My body doesn't seem to be changing at all! And I'm starting to feel like I am doomed at staying this white, dimply, stretchy loaf of bread dough I see in the mirror! I am starting to feel that well, this is what my mom and sister look so this is what I will always look like.
I remember giving my husband a sort of "weight loss coupon" for our first anniversary saying that by the next anniversary I would be down to 130 pounds, in August we celebrated our 14th anniversary and I have yet to fulfill that promise. I want this to be the year that changes, I want to give him, myself and everyone that cares about me that gift of a healthier, happier me! I NEED HELP, please!!!!! I need advise, support and anything anyone can offer to help me stop being a loaf of bread dough and start being a smokin hot wife that looks so good my hubby will never even WANT to look elsewhere ever again!

This site is great, I often look through pages really enjoying the before and after photos, those really inspire me on tough days! I'd love to hear from all of you! Thank you for listening! I hope that this time next year I'll have a great before and after photo to post too! :)

Member Since: 11/29/2007

Fitness Minutes: 21,484

My Goals:
To put on (and look great in) a super sexy Halloween costume and party the night away in Ybor with my husband!

To be even slightly o.k. with body when naked.

To be able to wear swim suit without shorts over it for the first time in oh about 19 years.

To not hate myself!

My Program:
Moving more, eating less!

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