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New Years Eve 2010

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April 2008

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March 2009

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People are like stained glass windows: They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within. -- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

I just adore this quote- it's so true.

I know that I am a beautiful person—on the inside.

I know that there are people who think I am a beautiful person on the outside.
I am just not one of them.
That is what I want to change.
I had made my mind up three years ago that I had enough. I was determined and there was nothing that was going to stop me. South Beach here I am! I had it all planned out. Black Friday was the day! Then I would be in full gear for Christmas. Christmas calories be damned!
One month later my friends asked me to be their maid of honor. When they asked me I had tears in my eyes! I was soooooo happy for them! Then they told me who the best man was… and then I cried—it was my ex-boyfriend.
Well… talk about motivation…
I was excited about the wedding but I was scared….
…scared that I wouldn’t be able to fit into ANY dress at David’s bridal…
…scared that I would look like the great pumpkin (Charlie Brown)…
…scared that I would be known as the fat girl – forever caught on film in the wedding album.
I told my dad this. He said I was being silly. “You’re beautiful. You will be stunning!”
Of course that was before he realized he was on a diet too… We always liked to cook for Dad! It was like the weekend tradition… One day he asked why the pepperoni was so funny looking… I told him it was better than pepperoni… it was turkey. He gave me a funny look…
“like the bacon this morning?”
“ Why are we eating this stuff?”
“cuz dad- it’s better for you”
“So I’m on your diet too?”
“how long have I been on this diet”
“Since Black Friday”
“It’s April…”
“Guess that’s why I had to put a new hole in my belt”

And the dreaded day came. The dress fitting. I just went a head and ordered the largest size they had a prayed I could find someone to add to it. I slunk into the fitting room… it was too big. Just on the top and the bottom fit well, but too big?? YA ME!
Here I was and I didn’t even realize it. A smaller me! Still fat but smaller… I was empowered!!! The wedding day came and Dad was right… my new waistline and my confidence… I felt great. I was on my way to an even smaller me!
And that’s where it stopped.
The wedding was Saturday. I spent Sunday on the farm with dad- mom was working. On Tuesday I got THE call. My father was killed in an accident. We had all been Daddy’s girls.
It was bad.
Really bad.
There are no words to describe it. My mother… they had known each other since she was five. High school sweethearts. What do you do? Like good Germans we ate.
I grew up in a small farming town. Everyone knows everybody. And when a tragedy strikes one… it hits all. And they came… with food. The first pan of goulash that showed up (an hour after I got to the house…) was in an eight by eight inch pan piled just as high, they got bigger every time. It was amazing… I have no idea how these women did it. And it wasn’t just goulash… there where pastries and cookies and all kinds of comfort food.
And we ate. & ate & ate…
And I gained & gained & gained.
In three months I gained back everything I lost --and more. And I felt horrible.
I had to heal on the inside before I could change the outside. It took me a while to get that one. lol
And I haven't touched goulash since.
I have been doing really well for three months now and I have that feeling of empowerment creeping up again!!!

Member Since: 2/11/2008

My Goals:
cross my legs...
walk up 3 flights of stairs and not be winded...

My Program:
My big eye opener was actually counting the daily calories. So I am going to keep up with that! I also joined a gym (women only) that I really like! Yay me!! lol

Personal Information:
Buffalo, NY

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  • v LSIG14
    Thank you so much for your "Hand Up" emoticon on my blog. I was feeling sorry for myself because I was having a lousy day and all it took was a couple of Spark People giving me a boost to put me back in my usual cheerful place!
    3610 days ago
  • v SEONAG
    Hi, Schonwelt!

    I have had issues with my computer this summer and I've been away a lot so I haven't had a chance to thank you for your comment on my blog about my niece. It meant a lot to read it and know that people were supportive.

    I want to let you know that each day she has been improving. She can talk a little now and eat which she couldn't do when I saw her in July. Soon she will be going to a special facility which works on rehabilitation of injuries like hers. Thank heaven!

    And thanks again. You were right. Taking care of myself is something I can do so I am ready to help out when needed. Nutrition and exercise are still important. Hope your journey is going well.

    Jo emoticon
    3794 days ago
  • v no profile image LELAGIRL
    Hi! Thanks for checking up on me... I am finally starting to see some results which is very encouraging. I managed not to give up during my frustration and to just continue with my exercise and healthy eating. How are you?
    3841 days ago
  • v MUFFIY831
    Awww, thanks for checking in with me! I'm in Trinidad this week so I've not been glued to the computer like normal. I'm still around, though! Hope you're feeling better these days - I know recovery takes time.
    3841 days ago
    Glad to read the news that you're on the mend and back to work. Your blog tells a great story of Try, Try Again until you reach success. Best wishes for a speedy recovery, and thanks for some needed inspiration.
    3842 days ago
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