WRITER66
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~`~`~`~`~`~`~ "Carpe Diem" ~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~
`~`~`~`~`~` "Seize the Moment" `~`~`~`~`~`~`

Five years ago, the life that I once knew ceased to exist, leaving me both emotionally devastated and physically disabled. I had a fall, leaving me unable to walk, in constant, unbearable pain and searching for a cure... I have proudly devoted my life to being a Registered Nurse for what would have been 26 years this past May, if I still could actively practice. I had dreamed of being a RN since I was a young girl and I sincerely loved caring for each and everyone of my patient's as well as, their families. Only a very special person should become a RN, one that is willing to give of themselves and never expect anything in return. To me, I could feel the pain, fear, sadness and other emotions of the patient each time that I looked into their eyes, which only made me want to help that person even more than before. Being a RN, is the most special gift I have ever been able to give to anyone, much less, to those people who need help the most, like the sick, elderly, poor and the dying. Yet, as much as I believe that I was meant to be a RN, I have a first love, that is, being a Mother... I truly love and adore my children, who I believed that each of my little angels were the most wonderful , deserved everything that I never had and more, the most important part of my life, I believed that only their needs mattered. was now crippled and in desperate need of help myself. Besides being a nurse, I was a devoted, single mother of two children who were 14 and 16 at the time that my health finally failed. This meant that I could no longer financially provide for my children which was something that I took great pride in being able to do. To be physically unable to walk, while suffering with excruciating pain, meant that I could not work as a nurse, which literally broke my heart... Ever since childhood, I had always found my joy and happiness through giving and helping other people, especially those who truly needed my help. Throughout my lifetime, I had always put the needs of others before myself, even the needs of strangers, never feeling as though I needed anything at all. The joy that I feel inside of my heart when I give of myself to someone else, whether it be helping my children, my family, a friend, a patient, or even a stranger is more wonderful than words can possibly describe. During the last 10 years of my career as a RN, I developed pain at first just in my back and later I had pain that began in the center of my groin, went through to my buttock, to my hip and wrapped around the front of my thigh, shooting straight down my leg to my toes. This pain was absolutely miserable, very intense and relentless in nature as it not only throbbed, but also had the added sensation of scorching hot, pins and needles shooting in and out of my feet. The pain came on without warning and could last for 24/day up to 3-4 days at a time with no relief in sight. Meanwhile, I worked 12 hours a day as a RN; took care of two active children as a single mother; volunteered as a scout leader and at school events for my children; as well as, cook, housekeeper and errand runner too. and allowed myself to become so of my life with so many hopes, dreams, wishes and plans that may never come true...

Yet, each day I refused to accept what I had been told by my doctor, but instead I continued to fight it every step of the way. This only made my life and the lives of those who love me that much more difficult.

All of my life, I have always been a dedicated hard worker, as well as a very ambitious, independent and strong woman who was able to forge ahead, no matter what, so why couldn't I this time?

Yet, no matter how hard I tried, this time I just couldn't, because my body had finally worn out and would no longer take my abuse... My joints were tired, especially my right hip and right knee, which were completely bone on bone, causing me to fall...

After years of working long and hard, standing when I could have sat, never going to the bathroom, rarely taking lunch and always staying to work late, my body had finally had enough.

Even though I was more than used to being in pain, living on over the counter remedies, like Tylenol, Aspirin, Ibuprofen and Ultra Strength Ben-gay, I was never able to escape the pain...

Yet, every single day I woke up happy to hear and see my children's smiling faces... I was happy to go to work to be a nurse because I really did enjoy helping people. And I was very grateful for all of my blessings...

I never even considered the possibility that I might someday become handicapped, much less to the extent that I have become. Yet, I found myself with Advanced Degenerative Joint Disease, an In-Operable Hip Fracture, or Avascular Necrosis of my right hip.


After-all, I am a 48y/o single lady, a RN, a mother of two young adults in college, and a woman who is beginning the next chapter in her life.

After spending the past 18 years being a divorced, single-parent, while working long hours as a nurse, I felt this "sense of loss" of my life as both a nurse and a mother, now that my children no longer needed me.

My hope is to find the right path, work towards becoming healthy and to continue to have new life experiences, adventures, romance and so much more.

I am ready to finally experience all that Life has to offer me, rather than "plan" my Life ahead of time, as I have always tried to do in the past...


"Carpe Diem" ~ Seize the Moment ~



At first, I thought that I should try to date after not having done so in a long while, which was quite an eye-opening experience to say the least.

Once I became dating, I very quickly realized that I had not changed in thirty years and I still had no desire to explore my options. Rather, I was then and I still am, very much a one man kind of woman, so after a year of playing the "dating game" I decided game over.

To be honest, I think I began dating again to simply fill the empty place inside of my heart, rather than giving myself a chance to really find out "who I am?" After all, I have spent my entire life being something to someone, but never just "ME" so after this year of dating I finally stopped to say to ask myself "Who am I?"

To my surprise, I realized that I no longer knew who I was or what my place in this world should be any longer, leaving me to feel obsolete, useless and in many regards, unwanted.

Yet, I had no desire to seek any kind of warmth, affection, or meaningless physical contact whereby two consenting adults "hook-up" as they like to say in the world of dating.

My experiences have given me a chance to reflect on what it is that I want in the future for my Life...

I have always expressed myself through writing, so for years I have always found it peaceful to share my thoughts in this way. Over the past few years, I have begun sharing my writing with others too.


Writing is my passion, the way in which I explore my thoughts, idea's and dreams through words. Writing is my way of expressing myself in ways that not even I have ever imagined. Writing carries me away and before I know it I have traveled far from home...


Life has a way of guiding each of us down a certain path, but not always the path that we had planned for ourselves. Sometimes, we discover that the plans and dreams that we had made when we were young, well, those plans will probably never come to pass.


I remember being asked, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" Although, I realize for some people this question may have been daunting, that was not the case for me, not at all. You see, I knew what I wanted from the time that I was young and I worked very hard to get it.


For some people, becoming a nurse is just a job, but it was not for me, not at all. For me, being a nurse was my dream, I wanted to be a nurse from the time I was young. Being able to help someone, made me feel so good inside, I just could not imagine doing anything else with my life.

So if someone asked me what my "Life plan" happened to be, I would have told them that I wanted to be the Best RN that I could be, then fall in love, get married, have children and live happily ever after... I wanted the "Fairy Tale" to live "Happily Ever After" That was my Life plan.


Except, "Life" does not always take you down the path that you plan, just as mine did not take me down my path. Instead, I made a mistake, chose the wrong partner, so I divorced my husband after eight years.


After my divorce, I made a promise to myself, "I promised that my children would never feel like they were raised by a single mother, that they would have all of the same chances as a 2-parent home." Besides that, I promised myself that I would not bring another man into our make life easier and put a stranger in my children's home.


At 30y/o, I made the decision, to sleep alone, to live as a single mother, to not bring any men around my children, to keep my dating life separate, and to keep "Home" a place for my children, which I did. I focused on being a good mother and on slowly advancing my career as a nurse, while living without a partner for all of those years.

I have been blessed with two beautiful children, which I had always wanted, so I gave them all of my attention and tried to be the best mother possible. Of course, I also worked hard at trying to be a good nurse too , which left little time for anything else, especially me.

Now, both of my children are young adults who are in college and have very busy lives of their own. So after devoting myself to being their mother and to being a nurse, I find that I have a lot more free time than I used to have in the past. Except, I wasn't quite sure what to do with my new found free time in the beginning, after my children had each started college.


The decision I made at 30y/o to devote myself to my children as their mother, although a noble one, was a lonely one, which is not something that I have ever admitted except in my writing.

As a young mother, married to an alcoholic, I made a very difficult decision, that is, to end my marriage to the man I loved. Many women will understand this next sentence when I say that having a child(ren) changes everything, including how you look at your marriage.

Never again will anyone or anything come before your child, not even the man that you take marriage vows until death do you part... With that being said, I made the choice to venture out alone with two very young children and promised myself to keep them safe no matter what.

Of course, after making one mistake, I did not want to make another, so I made the decision to raise my children alone, to not bring dates around them and to not marry again, as long as they were home. This was a very lonely way to live my life, not that I did not adore my children or find great joy in the life that I lived with them, because I certainly did.

Still, every person deserves a chance at happiness and over the years I sent many chances away, in an effort to be a "good mother." Over the years, each of my children worried that I was lonely, even saying that I should marry again, but each time I told them, "I am happy with the two of you" and I really was on the surface.

Yet, deep down I filled every free second of my life with activities for my children, work, meetings, chores, errands and other obligations, while rarely ever taking a moment for myself. In theory, I thought this made me a Better Mother, a Better Nurse, a Better Person, but in reality, it made me over-worked, over-tired, over-stressed, and not very happy...

To cope with my very overwhelming life, I drank way too much coffee for breakfast, either skipped lunch or if I was trapped in a long meeting, then I would order take out with everyone else, which was never healthy to do either. By 2pm, I was exhausted, so before the next long meeting, I would stop for a coffee or treat myself to a Coke and my drug of choice, a pack of M&M's from the vending machine on the way into board room.

Four to five hours later, I would pack up my laptop to take with me to work from home later, then head out the door, so that I could get home to take care of dinner. Once there, it would be going on 7:00pm most nights, so I would have to make something quick, so we could have dinner, drive to activities and I could get to work afterwards.

My days were long, as were my weeks, but somehow I survived, just like everyone else... But, there was no time, nor energy for any exercise, or fun, or friends anymore, because I had become a workaholic... My friends were all fellow workaholic female coworkers who all worked as long and hard as I did, so we all shared the same kind of life, if you want to call it that.

Then my entire department was laid off in 2008 and I was devastated, as if it was only me, because that's how it feels when you lose your job, it feels personal. Ten weeks later, I got another job, working longer hours, with more responsibility, which was more unnecessarily stressful, for no reason, other than make us work in fear of our job's each and every day.

Ten months later, we all lost our job, but for me, it was very personal to say the least! This time, 4000 RN's were out of work in St. Louis, with no jobs anywhere, at least not for nurses who had experience, because we cost more money.

Besides losing my job twice in less than a year, I had been working with right hip pain for the past 5 long years, but over the past year, since I took the last job, it had gotten much, much worse. Unfortunately, what I did not know is that I had been misdiagnosed with sciatica, when instead what I had was Advanced Degenerative Joint Disease., late 40's and to experience the present world of dating.

During this time, I have met and dated some interesting men, with one being especially memorable. My experiences have given me a chance to reflect on what it is that I want in the future for my Life...

Life had another plan for me, one that I was not expecting, but, I enjoyed being a mother it was a full and rich way to live a lot of years of my life, just as being a nurse was as well... Still, now that my role of full-time mother has come to a close, I am really hoping that Life has another plan for me.


"Carpe Diem" ~ Seize the Moment ~





Member Since: 9/7/2014

Fitness Minutes: 15

My Goals:
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~ ~ ~ Carpe Diem~ ~ ~
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~ ~ Seize the Moment ~ ~
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~ To Breathe in Life...

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~ To Visually enjoy Life.

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~ To Hear sounds of Life.

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~ To be Touched by Life.

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~ To Feel Free in Life...

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~ To Live a New Life...

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My Program:



Personal Information:
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Writing is my passion...

I write daily, wherever my thoughts happen to carry me away to in that moment of time.

I also enjoy writing romantic literature too.

If you would like to share your thoughts, idea's or even write together, then send me a Spark Message.

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Photography-

or rather the art of capturing an image for all eternity, on film is a hobby of mine...

In particular, photo's within nature, such as skylines, sunrises, sunsets, beautiful streams, lakes, rivers, shorelines, rolling hills, valley's, to a single, lone tree as the sun shines between the leaves.

Architecture-

is an area that I have always found interesting... Especially those buildings built for the 1904 World's Fair in St. Louis, because of the incredible detail and creativity of the artist behind each beautiful building...

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Other Information:

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~ Life is what happens while we are busy planning for life...

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Read More About WRITER66 - Profile Information moved here. (Updated November 29)




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Comments
  • v 1HAPPYSPIRIT
    emoticon I hope you are back actively Sparking again soon! emoticon
    802 days ago
  • v --DEBY--
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    I Wish You a Merry Christmas, I wish you a Merry Christmas
    I wish you a Merry Chrismtas.... And a Happy New Year....

    Good Tidings to you .... and all of your Kin............................
    I Wish You a Merry Christmas, and a HAPPY NEW YEAR

    ~Happy Holidays~ * ~BLESSings ALLways~ Deby

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1402 days ago
  • v 1HAPPYSPIRIT
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    I hope life is treating you well and you are making progress on your journey!

    .✫**..✶*`*.✫*
    * 1 HAPPY SPIRIT .✫** emoticon emoticon
    1728 days ago
  • v --DEBY--


    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon


    emoticon ~*~ HAPPY ~ HEALTHY ~*~ NEW ~ YEAR ~ 2016 ~*~ emoticon

    emoticon ~*~ CHEERS to Making it a SUCCESSfilled ~ 2016 ~*~ emoticon

    emoticon ~*~Wishing You and Yours all the Very Best in 2016~*~ emoticon

    emoticon ~*~ LOVE~ & ~BLESSings ~*~ ALLways ~*~ Deby ~*~ emoticon


    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon


    1751 days ago
  • v --DEBY--
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    ~Hello my SPARKling Friend~
    I hope all is well with you and yours & that you are enJOYing the Summer...

    I thought I would share some words of encouragement

    "It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop."
    ~Confucius


    "The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential...
    these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence."
    ~Confucius


    ~Wishing you all the Best and much Success~ ~Keep SPARKling~
    ~BLESSings ALLways~ Deby

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon


    1889 days ago
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