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little did I know...that this would be part I

Monday, February 25, 2008

this was written over a little over a year ago...

Where to start…

Long long ago…in a land far far away…there was a little girl…named Elizabeth…

k…it was 4 years ago…right here in town…but her name is still Elizabeth…

this is about my daughter…Elizabeth…she’s 9 years old now…& in 4th grade…but when she was only 5 (January 2002)…she became very ill…she was running fevers of a 102+ every 24 hours…waking from a sound sleep in pain…very tired…no energy…body aches…so I was told that my middle child had the flu…at the first visit here locally…but this continued…& even the flu goes away…

so I drove her up to Houston…Texas Children’s Hospital…spent 12 hours in the ER before we were seen…the docs were there for such a short period of time…& said…go home & if it happens again…come back…I said, “I know just enough to know…that you need to see if for yourself…please observe her for one day.” They agreed & we stayed 11 days. My dear friend, Craig, was with us the entire time…Elizabeth was put through many tests…repeatedly…when all was said & done…there was no diagnosis…

In February, we spent another 5 days in the hospital…& left again with no answers…at this time, I was a full time nursing student…studying for my RN at Galveston College…I was 90 days from graduating…it was a Sunday…I had clinicals in Galveston at UTMB…my pastor stayed with my daughter while I picked my patients…I borrowed a laptop to write up my careplan…my BEST friend, Sally, did her charting in my baby’s room…so I could leave at 430am to be on time for clinicals…& I had various church (Willow Drive Baptist Church) members taking shifts so that my child would NOT be left alone…I did my time that day…my clinical instructor said that I didn’t look together…hell, I had just left my 5 year old sick in a hospital to do clinicals…nope, I was NOT my normal self…to say the least…all day cardiac patients…I checked & double checked each & every med…I was so afraid of making a mistake…& I was having a difficult time concentrating…the day did end…& everyone was alive…I made it back to the hospital to my daughter…& when I walked into the room…she said, “mommy, I cried for you all day.”…that was the end of my nursing school…I broke down…I felt like a horrible person, a horrible student, a horrible nurse, & most of all…a HORRIBLE mother…

In March…we spent another week at TCH…more test & procedures were done…she was diagnosed with Juvenille Rheumatoid Arthritis…systemic form…her little body was losing ground from it…beginning to shut down…she received treatment in just time…but the heavy duty steroids…had their own complications & side effects…

We did our best to live a normal life…with a chronic illness…her little veins couldn’t handle the treatments…she had a port a cath placed on her right chest wall…later that was taken out due to pain & possible nerve damage…then she required a PICC line…the pubic school system is most difficult to understand these things…

When I withdrew from the GCC nursing program, I did so on good terms & was told to return for next Spring…that fall I went to speak with the dean of nursing & such…about returning to school…before I could get everything together…I lost my mother to a heart attack in her sleep…I was devastated…to top things off…the dean said that I could be a LVN, but not return to the RN program…at that time…I took the LVN & ran as fast as I could…I did 75 days in a LVN program…& have been working ever since…

All of the above events…strained my relationship with God…where was he?...why did he let this happen?...I was very angry…for a long time…& repeatedly told other Christians…if you keep doing what you’re doing & expect a different result…you’re insane…because…prayer wasn’t working for me…& I couldn’t see the use of it…of course, I offended many…but I defended myself by saying…God already knows how I feel, now you do too…they stopped asking…because I had NOTHING nice to say…

The last hospital stay was in March 2005, I took her to her regular scheduled appointment & she was admitted into the hospital for treatment…I was beside myself…my boyfriend (at the time), Matt, left work early & rushed to be at our sides…I could only take so much time off from work…& then I had to return…the first night back to work, Matt called to check on me…& I was crying…about not being able to be there when she needed me…so, he went to the hospital & stayed with her until I could get there…mind you…I was working 2pm-10pm with a minimum of an hour drive…he worked 8am-5pm & had at least a 30 minute drive back & forth to the hospital…he did this until she was discharged from the hospital…I will always be indebted to him for being there when I needed him most…

Many times, I have thought about going back to nursing school…but all of the memories haunted me…instilling fear into my soul…for my child & myself…I just couldn’t live through all of that again…so…I didn’t…

In November of 2005, we had another check up…& she was doing well…she was taken off most of her meds…by December, she used Ibuprofen on occasion…

This year I got up enough courage to start seriously looking into nursing programs…& I found one that I had an interest in…San Jac South campus…over the summer actually paid for the classes that I needed beforehand…hoping to be place into the RN program in the Spring…but these memories still haunted me…& fear makes you stupid…

School started for my girls…Katherine, my oldest, got a respiratory infection…then Isabelle, my youngest, had an asthma attack that sent her to the ER…I attend my first day of class…then later that evening, TCH calls about having Elizabeth seen…& all I can think is…OMG…I missed something…something is wrong…maybe God is giving me an early warning so she won’t have to be hospitalized…& I think…if they have an appointment on Wednesday…then it’s meant for her to be seen…because it’s the only day off that I have this week…sure enough…several appointments were available on Wednesday…we take the 10am appointment…& I’m scared…really scared…not knowing what that day holds for us…

So Wednesday morning August 30th, 2006, I take my oldest & youngest to school…Elizabeth & I drive up to TCH for her appointment…we get there a little early…& finally, we are called back…she is examined from head to toe…& her doctor says, “we do want to see her in 6 months, so that we don’t jinx ourselves, but she has outgrown her JRA & has no signs or symptoms of it” at this point, I’m in shock…not quite prepared to hear the wonderful news…Elizabeth is beaming…big smile from ear to ear…

We leave the hospital & have lunch at Chuy’s to celebrate her clean bill of health…next it was off to the Magick Cauldron…John was working & I said, “I want something that represents healing in a very physical way that I can wear” he immediately gets me a Healer’s Talisman & the paperwork reads, it gives the wearer “knowledge of all minerals & vegetables with their virtues & properties; gives also the universal medicine & the faculty of healing all sick persons” it was exactly what I wanted…next to Scorpion’s Tattoo Studio to see Christian Best…he can do it…not that day but the following Wednesday…so I go home…& do Reiki for myself, Christian & the BEST intention…I did this for 7 days before returning to have the new ink put upon my flesh…

So September 6, 2006, I have breakfast with Sally…tell her the good news…& have my Reiki book with me…she’s been one of my dearest friends for years now…I ask her to look through the book & see what symbols she likes…she picked several…we narrowed it down to two…& those symbols are incorporated into the design…the “Len So My is the power of pure love, and is used when an individual needs to feel pure, unconditional love when feeling lost, neglected, or unwanted.” (Penczak) & the “Zonar is one of the most popular modern Reiki symbols, used in Tera Mai Reiki, Karuna Reiki & Shamballa Reiki. These traditions state that Zonar is used for healing issues of a ‘multidimensional nature’ when the imbalance cannot be easily explained or understood. It is used for healing past-life issues, often along with HSZSN. The two can be used to heal the past trauma from this life too, particularly concerning repressed abuse issues. It also promotes deep emotional healing when undergoing an emotional release, acting as a ‘spiritual anesthetic’ to allow the energy to be released without overwhelming the client. Zonar releases fear, hate, anger, & trauma on the cellular level. Many holistic practitioners feel that people hold such emotions on the physical, cellular plane & use a variety of techniques to release this trauma. Zonar is one powerful technique for this work. Those who work with angelic energies state that Archangel Gabriel works with this symbol, to heal karma & to receive guidance with life questions. (Penczak)

I show up at Scorpion’s & wait briefly for Christian to arrive…there’s a young man being tattooed by Dan…Christian & I go over every detail…finalizing things…& now it’s time for the inking to commence…

But before my session started, a young man walks in…he has stuff that he wants put upon his flesh…he wants to make a memorial to all the Houston fallen firefighters over the past 10 years…very nice…

Later, as I’m being inked…I can see the young man across from me being worked on…it’s an angel that’s taken up his entire right calf…I asked, “why did you chose that?” he said, “it’s a memorial to my brother” & I left it at that…

The pain at times…was very intense for me…& hot salty tears stained my face…but I just kept thinking…this is for my Elizabeth…I never want to forget…the blessing bestowed upon her & myself…I still have lots of issues to recover from…but this is the first step…for me…I needed something physical & permanent…to remind me…& NEVER take it for granted…

For today, my Elizabeth is healthy & whole… *smiles*

I have another one...& I'll tell that story another time...

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • GRACEFULTURTLES
    Thank you for sharing. I am wiping away the tears as I type this, but wanted you to know that I am truly happy for you and your healthy family.
    4796 days ago
  • MSEMBERSTORM
    Wow you have really faced some miraculous times. What a beautiful and touching story. You really made my heart swell with emotion. I am so glad your daughters are all healthy and that they have such a loving mother like you! You are wonderful! Stay that way forever!
    4802 days ago
  • SYLVERROTH
    I think it is so meaningful that you chose to symbolize this struggle and the blessing of your daughter's good health in such a unique and personal way. You never will forget, and it will give you strength in the future.
    4802 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2273395
    That is a heartbreaking and beautiful story! I can't imagine going through something so hard! Hugs!
    4802 days ago
  • WYLDHEARTED
    What an amazing woman you are. I think that you are an incredible mother. I am moved and at a loss for words. Bless you and your family.
    4802 days ago
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