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Am I Bringing Up The Rear~Or Is It Sagging??

Saturday, April 12, 2008

I’ve reached the point where I want to target and tone some areas~mainly my butt, gut, and thighs. A friend mentioned the Butt Blaster Video, led by Coach Nicole. With the buttocks being the largest muscle in the body, I’m all for anything that will assist in its reduction! Supposedly, doing this 5 minute routine for 6 weeks will magically make 3 inches vanish from my gluteus maximus. Wow! How awesome if my gluteus maximus could look more like a gluteus minimus!!

My printer spews out the 2-page printable Butt-Blasting Workout and I study it. This doesn’t look like a horrific way to bequeath 5 minutes out of my day, especially if I will get the touted “end” results. I eagerly cue up the video and scrutinize it. Coach Nicole’s voice is soothing, yet encouraging and energetic, never letting on to any labored breathing or hurting. I giggle aloud, as Coach Nicole explains the lateral leg raises, as being similar to a dog peeing on a fire hydrant. “Piece of cake!” I think to myself. I confer with my online buddies who had also decided to start butt-blasting. They speak of grueling pain…but a good pain…Hmmm. Good pain? Isn’t that one of those oxymorons?? I chicken out the first day and pledge to check with my moronic comrades tomorrow.

The next day arrives. I have saved the video to “My Favorites.” The printout lies beside my computer. All is ready~for when I am ready. Many plausible hindrances crop up, so my 5 minute Butt-Blasting session is put on the back burner…
• Just drank water; better get that out, before trying the video.
• Feeling a little gaseous; better get that out, before trying the video.
• Feeling a little clogged; better get that out, before trying the video.
• Might strain something; better get my Granny Dancing done, before trying the video.
• Heater is running; better let it shut down, so I don’t get too hot, before trying the video.
• Breaking news regarding presidential campaign; better watch that, before trying the video.
• Cat looks so cute, sleeping on exercise mat; better let him nap longer, before trying the video.

Finally, the time seems convenient. I position my mat on the floor. I place the printout on the floor at the head of my mat. I place the computer at the edge of the tabletop, so I can view the video and exercise along with Coach Nicole. Since James is out of town, on a business trip, I start thinking about what could happen while I’m home alone. What if the butt-blasting has adverse effects? After a little deliberation, I leave a comment online for my friends. “I'm getting up my nerve to try this butt blasting thingie! I've got the video cued and the printout handy. Remember, I'm home alone, so if you don't hear from me for a little while, maybe send the paramedics to my house, as I'm most likely stuck on the floor and unable to get up!!!”

Alright, bases are all covered. I launch the video and assume the all-fours pose on the floor. I execute the straight-leg hip extension reps with ease, and silently chide my moronic companions for feeling any pain. Make it through the hold, then the pulses. Okay, the pulses hurt a little bit. Next, Coach Nicole and I roll into the bent-leg hip extensions. Once again, not overly rough on the ol’ body. Make it through the hold, and then do the pulses. Okay, the pulses are a wee bit of a killer. It’s now time for the lateral leg raises. We start off, and I chuckle again at Coach Nicole comparing the move to a dog peeing on a fire hydrant. She’s a hoot! Coach Nicole is still composed and perky, reminding me to suck in my gut and breathe in and out, as we go through the moves. I miraculously make it through the lateral leg raises (for the FIRST leg), wince, doing the hold, and barely survive the pulsing kicks (which she tells you to accelerate at the end). “And now quickly move to the other leg,” she coaches. I’m thinking that I endured the first leg, so the second should be similar~unpleasant, but achievable. Nope. I initiate the lateral leg raises. My buns are burning/throbbing. My arms are trembling/wobbling. I’m laughing/crying. I barely survive the punishing raises, make a feeble stab at the hold, and give what I can (which ain’t much at this point) to the pulsing kicks. I wasn’t able to finish. I curse my moronic friends for telling me about this miserable video. I collapse into the child’s pose stretch, under the so-called coach’s guidance. I make a labored attempt at the upward dog stretch. Then, I do my own stretch~fetal position, bawling feverishly, “I want my Mommy!!”

Once composed, I figure I better get back online and let my friends (who are surely concerned for my well-being) know that I am okay and that there’s no need to send out a rescue unit. Wouldn’t you know that they’ve managed to have a “cute” bantering of conversation during my brief absence. (Oh, yeah! Heed this warning, also! False advertising! The Butt-Blaster video is NOT 5 minutes! It’s actually 6 minutes AND 30 seconds!!)

Here are highlights of the conversation…

Me: “I'm getting up my nerve to try this butt blasting thingie! I've got the video cued and the printout handy. Remember, I'm home alone, so if you don't hear from me for a little while, maybe send the paramedics to my house, as I'm most likely stuck on the floor and unable to get up!!!”

Gorgeous, hunky MN paramedic..rushing to Deb's assistance...she's stuck-
He rushes in, sweat running down his muscled chest (think heart rate monitor guy from goodie choices!)...
Only to find Deb stuck on all fours, doing the "peeing on the fire hydrant" exercise! Is she wearing her two lil’ pony tails...sure, why not! Wouldn't we love to hear the stories back at the firehouse those boys would be telling!!! How would they get you to the ER, stuck like that?
Be careful, you OLD woman!”

Syl: “Angie I'm getting stuck by/passing imagining the hunky paramedic.”

Dana: “Maybe Debbie should put her laptop on the floor.”

Mary: “Just having technical difficulties... can't get past Deb on the floor with the muscled EMT.”

(…Can’t you just feel the love oozing from my “friends”?!!)

Next day, hubby has returned home. We get all caught up in each other’s lives, including me telling him about my butt-blasting endeavor. I tell him that I need to take my derrière measurements, so that I can gauge the progress over the next 6 weeks. Later, I am standing at the sink, when James comes up behind me. He has a carpenter’s tape measure and is measuring from the floor, UP to my cheek bottoms! How in tarnations do men think?! Did he really assume that I wanted a recorded assessment of before and after sagging and droopage??!! I make mental note to increase the weights for my upper body strengthening. Once I get brawny enough to open my own pickle jars, he’s outta here!!

Day 3 of butt-blasting…Coach Nicole is a mean, terrible person! She really needs to get a sense of humor! Butt-blasting isn’t getting any easier. I feel the pain. I’m still unable to execute all the moves from start to finish. Add insult to injury…My cat came over to me, as I was on the floor, working on the lateral leg raises. (Yeah, yeah, the one simulating the peeing dog, real funny, I know!). She lovingly nudged my chin. Although I was grimacing and groaning, she brought me a little peace and soothing comfort. My own little cheerleader! Split second later, she’s turned away from me, her tail lifted and she’s pointing her cute, little gluteus maximus right in my face! And great, she’s holding the pose!!

Mental Note: Hubby gets the cat when he moves out!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    That is such a cute post, really laughed, invisioned the hunk emt, went back and invisioned that again, and loved the part about "he's out a here as soon as I can open my own pickle jars" left me roaring!! Your stories are very descriptive and well written, hope you have another funny story or two up your sleeve, laughter is the other healthy thing we do here at Sparks! Hugs, Cathy emoticon
    4556 days ago
  • EXPT626
    You know, I read this awhile ago -- I found it, but I still don't have the courage to try it!

    My butt hurts enough!!!

    4768 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/5/2008 12:29:20 AM
    I love your blog. Your writing style reminds me of the late great Erma Bombeck.
    4777 days ago
    Funniest post I've seen since I've been here!!!
    You have now officially confirmed my suppositions about the Butt Blaster video. Poor Coach Nicole; I start cussing her about a couple of minutes into each Bootcamp video. I'm sure her ears burn continuously.
    4778 days ago
    LMAO! Omigosh-
    "its a good ache" right?!
    4783 days ago
    Now I gotta' try this video. I have no other choice. Very funny...thanks!
    emoticon (the closest thing I could find to a butt)
    4785 days ago
    You are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo funny and I can only say that because I have sooooooooooooooo been there with the butt busting. Now if I can get the tummy busted. I will be almost perfect.

    Thanks for your kind thoughts while I was away. I have added 9 pounds of comfort food onto my body, but I know I will be able to get these off ASAP. You are doing so awesome, girl. hugs, Joann
    4799 days ago
  • CAROLYN0107
    Very Funny. If I got down on all fours I would "not" be able to get up again. BAD KNEES!

    4799 days ago
    Funny, thanks for sharing. When I did this workout my Husband was sitting in a chair, watching. When I raised my leg to the side he kept going "Ppppsssss" each time. Which is faintly amusing at first, but not as funny as your Husband measuring your butt from the ground - that's an all time comedy classic! Bless him :)
    4813 days ago
  • MAGSY56
    Too funny, one day I hope to try out this butt blasting video torture meantime I have the mental picture of your husband measuring your butt...high-larious.

    Very funny blog I even had to put down my double belgian chocolate chunk giant cookie (my reward for having a healthy dinner)to scroll down to your bottom....I mean the bottom.
    4813 days ago
  • NAN71486
    Debbie: Here it is after midnight and I'm trying not to laugh too loud and wake up the house! LOL I hope you are keeping a copy of all your little stories! They could be worth something more than laughter someday!

    Love ya and thanks for the laughter!
    4815 days ago
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That made my day! You are the best!
    4815 days ago
    OMG - I'm crying from laughing! And thanks to Binemelles, I've started laughing all over again!
    4817 days ago
    You really do have a way with words ..... I laughed so hard I had to tinkle,
    (12 cups of coffee this morning had nothing to do with it) which means hobbling along on crutches, with thoughts of your cat thinking what on earth is this lady trying to do. My workouts right now are just making sure I don't fall off these things and break something and be laid up for the summer in a cast.

    You are a trip girl!
    4817 days ago
    This made me laugh so much. Thank you as I had been down with the flu and couldn't think of exercising so i was imagining the whole scenario. They say laughter is the best medicine and I truly believe it now. LOL emoticon emoticon
    4818 days ago
    When ever i need a good chuckle...I have to come here....
    I'm laughing WITH YOU...not at you....honestly!!!!
    4818 days ago
  • ANGLE69771
    OMG, This is way to funny. You sure have a way with words on paper. I can just see you. LOL. If this self torture video works, and you find your hinny bootylicious let us all know. That way we can all can decide if we want to have the EMT's finding us in the doggy pee pose. LOL,
    4818 days ago
    wonderful! hilarious! i cried all through the second half ... that was soooo funny! keep going girl, and never mind about improving your upper body strength - you will soon be able to open those pickle jars with your BUTT!
    4818 days ago
  • PURPLE01
    ROLLFOOO!!!! WHAT A HOOT YOU ARE!! This is the best and funniest explanation of "Butt Blasting" that I have ever heard. I too have a problem getting past the mental picture of you on the floor with the HUNKY EMT!! I'd kill to be there myself with him...

    Also I got a real kick out of your husband measuring you from the floor up, instead of around your butt. Sometimes they just don't think do they! What are you anyhow, a piece of plywood they are going to cut???

    I agree with the other gals, you really need to publish these, you are great and really really funny!

    Thanks for the Blog and for the warning about Coach Nicole. I have yet to encounter her or her workouts.

    emoticon emoticon

    Love ya!

    4819 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/14/2008 11:20:00 PM
    perfectly written and described..take that Coach Nicole..LOL,,jen
    4819 days ago
    Okay, What was I supposed to say... ummm... keep it up, you are doing great, the End result will be worth it blah, blah, blah... When I really wanna say - Ya BB!!! Add some kegels, too!!
    Seriously, I was laughing so hard I nearly pee'd my pants! That's why I have to do Kegels because your blogs make me wanna pee myself! Thanks Deb! I LOVE your Blogs!!
    Deb, You are doing FannyTastic! Keep it up girlie!
    Oh and Hi-Five your husband for me! That is classic! Oh I gotta go, Again!!
    Loves ya-Gab

    4819 days ago
    ROFLLMBO!!!!!! Oh you are the BEST! I can feel you pain, I can see the cat! I laughed until I cried! I tried to warn you! It's a great video but OH does it hurt! ROFL...I can so relate too. I thought the first few minutes "oh I can do this" then by the time you get to 5 minutes you want to throw the computer out the window and tell yourself "it's okay if I'm a little squishy in the butt, who cares, I'm older!" Thank you so much for making my day brighter. I love reading your blogs and cannot wait to buy your book! Hurry and write it! I have copies sold to at least five of my friends too! ROFL

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4819 days ago
  • NAVYMOM133
    Hey there - I dd the workout with my husband above me, saying "Her leg is more straight than yours right now.... ok, bend the knee more... " LOL, unreal. That's SOME WORKOUT!! I've been doing 2 miles a day on the treadmill consistently but this was a completely different workout. I think I'll join you and Coach Jen for the week and see how we do! Great blog, hon, just great!!!!
    4819 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/14/2008 8:04:49 PM
    Deb, seriously funny. Good thing you didn't have PMS or your husband would be out of there BEFORE you could open jars.

    Thanks for warning me off that butt buster video.

    I have watched a couple of the videos thinking to try them out later...but it hasn't happened yet.

    Suzy emoticon
    4819 days ago
    After Gabs and Annette read this blog they had all the MMM's delete all the comments about your sagging butt. We think you should work on the Kegels and give your husband the old vise attack.
    Honestly, Deb you have to publish. You are SOOO FUNNY. Plus you aren't writing these often enough. I need a good laugh weekly not every other month!
    loves ya,
    4819 days ago
  • NAVYMOM133
    What a riot! And your husband measuring up from the floor, I think that is priceless!!!
    I'll let you in on a horrible secret - I saved that same darn video to my favorites after 'watching' it yesterday and was planning to breeze through it tonight.
    I'm afraid. I'm very afraid! emoticon
    4819 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/14/2008 6:37:25 PM
  • MSRUBY66
    sooo funny! Thanks for the giggle! Now I know I am not alone in my ways that I torture myself to get the bottom line to shrink and go up all at the same time!
    4819 days ago
    Too too funny!!! I admire you for continuing to do this form of torture!
    4819 days ago
    This is fantastic! Thanks so much for giving me a good laugh for the day. I'm not sure I am ready for Coach Nicole and her butt-kicking; but it's nice to know there are real human beings in Sparkville. Way to go with trying the video and thanks so much for sharing this. Even in the online world, sometimes you don't quite know who your real friends are! :)

    As for your husband and his unique way of measuring, we'll all pray for him - oh, and the cat too!
    4819 days ago

    Debbie that is beyond hilarious! It is soooo descriptive, I could see you on the floor and I can "feel" for you. I HAD to read this to my 13 year old daughter, and as she also chuckled through your tale, at the end of it she said, "Gee mom, you have strange friends!" HA! Out of the mouths of Babes.

    I've tried the butt blaster once, a long, long time ago, and chickened out after the first day. Keep us posted, I'm curious, does the "pain" ever get any less? LOL

    Good luck in all you do and the choices you make,
    4819 days ago
    Oh I loved this story. You did sure a good job telling it I got mental pictures.. Oh no!!! erase emoticon ... Thank you for saying what a lot of us are not willing to say. However I think your DH was on track, as he is looking for a lift emoticon
    Again thank you for the share
    4819 days ago
    You have quite the knack for the art of storytelling! I look forward to your blogs. This one was great! In fact, your blogs never disappoint. I just wish you posted more of them! LOL!

    Keep up the good work! You continue to inspire us all!
    4819 days ago
    OMG Debbie,
    you are too funny...I sat here and laughed till I had tears running down my cheeks...
    But........ I do understand, I have became a fitness addict, and I have been in some of those situations. I work out with my 22 year old son, WHO...thinks just because I lost weight, and work out, that I should be able to work out like someone 21..NOT...I have told him...Eron, do you not understand I am getting old..." granny age"?
    AND...only a " dear sweet supporting husband " would ever measure you like that...( with muffed laugh)...we know that kind of support.
    big hugs
    sheri emoticon
    4819 days ago
    hahahahahaha!!!!!!! I love you SO much! nobody can tell a story quite like you!
    4819 days ago
  • DEVANS716
    this is just too funny!! now that you noticed I have the video marked as a favorite..........I guess I better TRY it now! emoticon
    4819 days ago
    Hey Debbie:) LOL That was such a funny account of your work out with coach Nicole. You ought to invite her to read your blog!!! Pass some of those G-M' s over - I got none - I mean none at all - straight in the back!! Oh, the photo is sooo funny too!! Thanks for a good laugh:)

    4820 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/14/2008 12:00:24 AM
    OMG! You are so fabulous and funny! I'm glad I found out about your blog. I definitely want to read more! You always make me laugh on FFF's team.
    Thank you!
    Sharlene emoticon
    4820 days ago
    Debbie -
    I was thrilled to see you had a new blog entry, at first for you (because I think it's such a great Spark tool), but now for all of us who are so entertained by them! Thanks for the giggle! Now get your butt back to the workout...
    :) Kristin
    4820 days ago
    Deb, I gotta pee.... been holding it.... read the blog.... laughing so hard I can hardly manage....
    4820 days ago
    deb. you are so funny! can't wait to hear what the measuring tape reads after your 6 week butt lift.

    4820 days ago
  • MELLY423
    Thanks, Debbie!

    I needed a good laugh this morning! I am going to try that as soon as school is out...May 24! ;) Yeah, I know, I'm a wimp!

    Melly Anne
    4820 days ago
    Oh my goodness, I am laughing so hard I'm about falling off my chair! Had to read it to hubby...now he's laughing too! Too funny! I don't know if I should try this or not...don't want to give the kitty any ideas. Keep up the good work, it will get better!
    4820 days ago
    Debbie, You have such a way with words! Too funny. I loved it! I would have loved to have been a fly on your wall that night!
    4821 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2397438
    LOL _ Lovely Deb -I wait for your blogs to roll around and you do not disappoint your readers! Cat
    4821 days ago
    Deb, Laughed til I cried!! Hope there'll be a new blog after you try the Booty Workout with Ball.
    4821 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/12/2008 10:10:10 PM
    One of my group exercise instructors used to do a butt-blasting workout similar to this one in one of her classes. It was one of her favorite because she swore by its effectiveness. You can actually hear audible moans and groans from class participants in every session. To up the ante after a few weeks, she actually had us put 3 to 5-pound dumbbells behind the knee of the raised leg to add resistance and challenge!

    Suffice it to say I am glad that she no longer teaches weight training classes! I still love her step aerobics classes though.
    4821 days ago
    Deb, have to tell you I feel much better after I read your blog. My side do hurt now from reading it and laughing. This week has been a very tough week and I really needed the laugh. Thank you
    4821 days ago
  • -ANGIE-
    OK...so am I one of your moronic comrades?
    I loved this blog! You crack me up...in every way.
    Glad to be one of your butt busting pals!
    Tell James, as long as he's handy,
    he can come over here after you kick him out :0)

    PS- I posted, reread my post with photo next to it and thought...OK, maybe I do look at least like a dorky friend!!!
    4821 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/12/2008 6:25:54 PM
    Awesome! Haha This is great--I laughed so hard! I'm honored to be the subject of your blog and I think you're a great writer too. Maybe, in addition to the butt blaster you can also try my Booty Workout with the Ball...you know, when you get the nerve up for it. ;-)

    Let me know how your progress goes!

    Coach Nicole
    4821 days ago
  • ~LASYL~
    Lol, great one as always!!!! Now you need to blog on the ABC's which by the way YOU introduced! Thank you very much! Those knocked me over for the last few days. Off to butt-blasting I go...., hi ho,hi ho,..., ooh, ooh..., ouch ouch!
    Ps. Honored to have been mentioned in one of your famous blogs!

    one of your butt-blasting partners,
    4821 days ago
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