Can old dogs learn new tricks
Sunday, May 04, 2008
I guess there is something almost instinctive about new starts and fresh slates...as humans we seem to try and find almost any excuse to proclaim a specific day or time as *a new day* ... new years... birthdays....heck, every monday is a fresh start opportunity. But how helpful is it. How many new years resolutions have we broken, how many birthdays roll around with the same vows to be made as last year, how many monday-morning pledges fall by the wayside before dawn breaks over tuesday? And is there a way around those shortcomings? My 42nd birthday has now slipped into the past, and all there is to show for it is an empty birthday cake box standing in mute rebuke on my kitchen counter. I remember last birthday, I swore that my 41st year would be the year of change...that by my 42nd birthday i would be svelte, in shape, successful and happy. Well, two of those are clearly failures. the other two, are rather subjective... ive had moments of success, my career has trudged forward, ive won awards and promotions and gained respect of my peers and my community, but at the same time, financially i am still struggling. I am starting a new business venture that thrills me to pieces, but at the same time, makes me wonder about my sanity. Happy? thats a tough one, at times I am content, at others the depression and doubts still creep in. I read my horoscope this morning, and it was talking about how confidence is key to just about everything...and I agree ...completely......but at the same time, i have almost zilch. I am good at my job, I have the awards to prove it, yet i always feel as if i should have been doing better, always wonder if i really do have talent...and secretly feel the answer is no. My weight doesnt help in that regard, but as far as a personal life, I keep telling myself losing the weight is the answer there, but in reality, even losing the weight wont change that I dont have an easy time just being *social* with people, im not an extrovert, and under it all, i still....almost 10 years later...can still hear my ex's voice as almost a constant soundtrack somewhere in the back of my mind....you're stupid, you're worthless, you're ugly, no one will ever love you...And at times, i believe it...there are so many things I disappoint myself in: that piece of cake, that skipped workout, that messy house that i would be ashamed to invite a friend into while i spend unnecessary time logged onto the internet, searching for something that cannot be found through the makebelieve world of online chat. How do you pull yourself out of addictions? I don't touch drugs, my drinking consists of a watermellon martini once every few weeks when i force myself to go out and be around people..but food...internet, avoidance... there are more addictions out there beyond drugs and alchol and cigarettes, and i think they are just as vicious. I managed to quit smoking cold turkey 10 years ago after all, but put an M&M in front of me and im toast. I make pledges to myself, then find convenient excuses that it ok not to start them till tomorrow...always tomorrow. What is the key to changing the things we hate about ourselves...but always manage to somehow cling to as if our lives depended on it?