Where to start...
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
I guess I will start from the beginning. It is hard to admit that you have failed, but I have. I look back on pictures of me when I was younger. Well more like Jr. High and High school. I use to think that I was fat and that I would allow others to view me as that. I was not skinny, but I was not as fat as I had percieved myself to be. if I just had listened to few close friends maybe I would not be in the position I am today. What would I give to be the size I was when I was a cheerleader. That would be fantastic. There has been some major things that happened to get me to where I am today. I don't ever remember being made fun of until my freshman year. How sad is that? It was in my math class a substitute teacher was there and I don't know but there was a drawing of a fat lady eatting some sort of pastry and guys whom I thought were my friends said that was me. They sat and just laughed and said if that was not me it was my mom, things like that. The teacher just sat there and did not say a word. I think he was thinking it was funny himself. Needless to say I did not stay in the class for the remainder of the period. I grabbed my books and stormed out of the class. Trying not cry or let them see me cry. I ran to the bathroom, only to be followed by my best friend. She was there to comfort me. Telling me not to listen to them. She wiped away my tears and together we went to the principal. I don't think anything was done to the teacher nor the students. Oh well. You would think that at that moment I would do something. But I didn't. I think it only made me more depressed. Things did not get any better from there. My parents moved us at semester to a tiny school an hour away. I did not make friends quickly as I came from the "city" and everyone assumed that I was a snob. There I gained more weight. I would walk but not as much as I did before as I was always walking to my friends house.
I thought I would play sports, and I did play softball. I was not that great and I was one of the youngest girls on the team. I tried volleyball, but I did not feel that I clicked with the girls. I did run track, well more I was on the field. Did not do so great, but at one track meet there was a "heavy mans" relay. Nice name huh? That was the 4x100. My team came in 3rd, and I got a medal and my only Varisty letter! I was so thrilled and I was told that they had never seen me run so fast. You would think that I would of done something then...no I just let the weight continue to mount. The year going into my senior year I thought that I would try for cheerleading. I practiced and practiced, thought I had my routine down. Went to try out and I forgot my cheer, and started combining cheers. Needless to say I did not make the squad, but was told to try out again next year. LoL
Then the crap began. A week after my 19th birthday I hurt my back and it has been downhill ever sense. Dr's would tell me lose weight and you will be fine. Now tell me how do you excpect me to lose this when I can't move, stand, walk even sitting up was painful. Put on weight. Let's fast foward as this is getting longer than I had expected. Had surgery in 99, learned to walk and do all the things the dr's said that I would not be able to do by Oct of 99. Moved to Illinois and thought I should try to lose the weight. That did not last very long. Moved back to Kansas City in 2004 before my middle sister got married. After she had my nephew in 2005 I knew that I had to do something. I did not want to be the fat aunt. Once again I tried, but to no avail. I was just not determined. Moved back to Illinois in 2006. Jan of 2007 I met someone, thought he was great and my mom later told me that she had that "feeling" he was the one for me AFTER the fact. Did not date until June. Met another guy he seemed ok at first, but was kinda pushy in his ways and wanted to move faster than I was ready for. Needless to say the relationship did not work out, but I will never forget what he said about the first time he saw me. How I was so cute when I "waddled" to him. I should of punched him and ended it then, but I thought no one would want me, and he does. I will get over it. I think I knew then I had to do something. And I have been. Watching what I eat for the most part, trying to get excercise. I took him to my cousins wedding and Rachel, my dear cousin whom I love, told me that I could do better. After the reception I told him it was over. Didn't plan on it then, but that is the way it worked out. So over the past few months, I probably have gained weight and I have lost weight.
When I weighed myself this past Sunday, a day earlier than normal, I was so thrilled to see that it said 279, but I was a little nervous as well. The scale is not the best and it will give you different readings depending on where you place it on the floor. But after numerous positions I had the same number! Woohoo!! 16 pounds in a week!! So maybe all the crap and hurtful things said to me is what I needed. Now I just need to keep it up.