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Where to start...

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

I guess I will start from the beginning. It is hard to admit that you have failed, but I have. I look back on pictures of me when I was younger. Well more like Jr. High and High school. I use to think that I was fat and that I would allow others to view me as that. I was not skinny, but I was not as fat as I had percieved myself to be. if I just had listened to few close friends maybe I would not be in the position I am today. What would I give to be the size I was when I was a cheerleader. That would be fantastic. There has been some major things that happened to get me to where I am today. I don't ever remember being made fun of until my freshman year. How sad is that? It was in my math class a substitute teacher was there and I don't know but there was a drawing of a fat lady eatting some sort of pastry and guys whom I thought were my friends said that was me. They sat and just laughed and said if that was not me it was my mom, things like that. The teacher just sat there and did not say a word. I think he was thinking it was funny himself. Needless to say I did not stay in the class for the remainder of the period. I grabbed my books and stormed out of the class. Trying not cry or let them see me cry. I ran to the bathroom, only to be followed by my best friend. She was there to comfort me. Telling me not to listen to them. She wiped away my tears and together we went to the principal. I don't think anything was done to the teacher nor the students. Oh well. You would think that at that moment I would do something. But I didn't. I think it only made me more depressed. Things did not get any better from there. My parents moved us at semester to a tiny school an hour away. I did not make friends quickly as I came from the "city" and everyone assumed that I was a snob. There I gained more weight. I would walk but not as much as I did before as I was always walking to my friends house.

I thought I would play sports, and I did play softball. I was not that great and I was one of the youngest girls on the team. I tried volleyball, but I did not feel that I clicked with the girls. I did run track, well more I was on the field. Did not do so great, but at one track meet there was a "heavy mans" relay. Nice name huh? That was the 4x100. My team came in 3rd, and I got a medal and my only Varisty letter! I was so thrilled and I was told that they had never seen me run so fast. You would think that I would of done something then...no I just let the weight continue to mount. The year going into my senior year I thought that I would try for cheerleading. I practiced and practiced, thought I had my routine down. Went to try out and I forgot my cheer, and started combining cheers. Needless to say I did not make the squad, but was told to try out again next year. LoL

Then the crap began. A week after my 19th birthday I hurt my back and it has been downhill ever sense. Dr's would tell me lose weight and you will be fine. Now tell me how do you excpect me to lose this when I can't move, stand, walk even sitting up was painful. Put on weight. Let's fast foward as this is getting longer than I had expected. Had surgery in 99, learned to walk and do all the things the dr's said that I would not be able to do by Oct of 99. Moved to Illinois and thought I should try to lose the weight. That did not last very long. Moved back to Kansas City in 2004 before my middle sister got married. After she had my nephew in 2005 I knew that I had to do something. I did not want to be the fat aunt. Once again I tried, but to no avail. I was just not determined. Moved back to Illinois in 2006. Jan of 2007 I met someone, thought he was great and my mom later told me that she had that "feeling" he was the one for me AFTER the fact. Did not date until June. Met another guy he seemed ok at first, but was kinda pushy in his ways and wanted to move faster than I was ready for. Needless to say the relationship did not work out, but I will never forget what he said about the first time he saw me. How I was so cute when I "waddled" to him. I should of punched him and ended it then, but I thought no one would want me, and he does. I will get over it. I think I knew then I had to do something. And I have been. Watching what I eat for the most part, trying to get excercise. I took him to my cousins wedding and Rachel, my dear cousin whom I love, told me that I could do better. After the reception I told him it was over. Didn't plan on it then, but that is the way it worked out. So over the past few months, I probably have gained weight and I have lost weight.

When I weighed myself this past Sunday, a day earlier than normal, I was so thrilled to see that it said 279, but I was a little nervous as well. The scale is not the best and it will give you different readings depending on where you place it on the floor. But after numerous positions I had the same number! Woohoo!! 16 pounds in a week!! So maybe all the crap and hurtful things said to me is what I needed. Now I just need to keep it up.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I know where you are coming from!

    Thank God you had people to help you realize you could do better!

    Just keep at it!!! I'm here to cheer you on!
    4730 days ago
    HI there I found your page while looking for local spark buddies. I am not sure where in Illinois you are but I am in Clinton IA and would love a local spark buddy. I spend at least 3 hours a day M-F in the pool at the YWCA but if you are close enough I would love to get together sometime and take a walk or something. If you need to talk I am here. Hope to chat with you soon.
    4732 days ago
    Shychick, awesome job on your progress thus far! It's so funny how we think we're in a world all alone when there are people everywhere with similar stories. I think I've encountered everything you mentioned going through school. And check this out: one of my best friends and I were looking at pics from when we were 10 years old...and thought we were fat back then and we were rail thin!!! We were just maybe 10 pounds heavier than the average students but all the way through college we thought we were fat and never were. Now I actually am and never felt myself getting here! Well, all that matters is we're doing something about it now and we can do it together!! emoticon
    4732 days ago
    DEUCE119 I couldn't have said it better.
    4733 days ago
  • DEUCE119
    emoticon I know exactly how you feel. i was always the fat girl at school. I have lived in the same town all my life and we only had 60 kids in our gradeschool class. At that time you were with the same kids for your whole gradeschool time. My nickname in 8th grade was TANK. Not exactly the one you want when your 13 or 14. I look back now and realize that they had issues that bothered them also but I didn't point it out to them like they did to me. For some reason we allow kids to be cruel to fat people. If I said a racial slur to someone I would be expelled. There is no justice for being fat. You are like a bullseye in darts. I think the reason that it works opposite of what you think it should when people cut you down like that , is coz it brings your self esteem down so low it is hard to pull yourself out of it. The thing is alot of them are no better off now that they are older. I think they find it harder to handle coz they aren't used to it. Just keep faith in yourself. I thought I was so fat when I married the first time. Now when I look at my wedding dress I think , "wow I wasn't all that big after all. I do believe they call it body dismorphic syndrome or something like that. When I'm really overweight I don't see it and when I lose weight I don't see it. This time I can truly feel the difference. You'll do just fine. You have all of us to help support you and help you along the way. Keep your chin up, your not alone. CAROL emoticon emoticon
    4733 days ago
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