Not the Fat Girl Anymore
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Well, I took a mental break to get my head straight and it helped immensely. I kept on the path and have lost 8 pounds since my last journal entry. Go me!
One thing I've been concerned about as my weight has been shrinking is what my identity will be once I reach my goal. I've always been the fat girl. Always. I was diagnosed as obese when I was 8 years old. I've never been an average teenager, young adult or adult.
I've always been the fat girl.
When I approach people, I'm a fat girl.
When I smile at people on the street, I'm a fat girl.
When I walk up to the meat counter to get meat, I'm a fat girl.
I've never existed in this world as anything but a fat girl. This worried me because I have a lot of rage with being the fat girl. I never thought my curves were what "real women" have. I always thought my rolls were fat and a sign of my continued failure against food.
I had an online friend give me a gift by accident. We talked about relationships and gender relations mostly, and of course my role as the fat girl was the only way I could see relationships. Despite his attempts to help me see weight wasn't what was holding me back, I could only see my past and how men have treated me because of my weight.
Suddenly, I realized something while crying alone one night. I'm not the fat girl anymore. I'm Bi. I'm still fat, but I'm not that identity anymore. I work out every day, and I enjoy it. I eat healthily every day, and I enjoy it. I want to run, leap, fall, fly, trip, soar, dance, and love. I want to enjoy life. I want to live! I'm not this identity that I never wanted but couldn't let go of out of fear.
I'm not The Fat Girl anymore.
When I approach people, I'm Bi.
When I smile at people on the street, I'm Bi.
When I walk up to the meat counter to get meat, I'm Bi.
This is my identity. This is my truth. This is my reality.