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Frustrated with being *stuck*

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Anyone who may be stopping by to see what my I need support is for~it's alway's hard for me to ask for myself but I think I need to do that now. If you could just think of me today in your prayers/thought's for strength it would mean a lot to me. I'm on some type of brink and I am very scared. If you want to read more you can below. Thank you for coming to my page to check on me, it means a lot to me.

I don't know the exact thing going on, I just know the past 4 days now have not been good inside, I have spent 3 days crying and today I woke up again with these same feelings. I feel like I am taking two steps back and one forward now in my healing journey and it is scaring me. The food/eating right is fine. I am not going back to eating emotionally. However, I am scared if I can't get myself with the new me, that the old me will win and we all know what happen's there as I know if you are on this site you have been there. I believe this is where I have always gone the wrong way in the past and just went back to old habits in every area of my life. I never recognized it before as anything other then I am weak and don't deserve this or that and no matter what I do I will never be this or that. Basically the woah is me I am so pathetic thing~I just fell to it all my life without ever examining it. I don't believe all that now~but admit I can feel the little stings and jabs as if all I need to do is let one of those old cruel negative's in and I lose because one leads to one more and so on.

This journey is all so new to me still and I have so much going on around me that is changing or will change and I admit I am scared the closer fall get's as that is when I will be moving back to the United States and have no idea yet where I am going to live or what I am going to do job wise. The "OMG the economy sucks, you're screwed" that I have been hearing from my family and a couple aquaintances (my friends wouldn't make me feel worse then I do so these people have been moved a different status) do not help my mindset one bit either. =)

So basically I am kinda falling apart and fighting it right now. I am having a hard time letting go and forgiving some people and things. I don't know why these two people are harder then other's, I just know that what this is doing to me I don't want. I am tired of crying over those who don't care about me and tired of being stuck on this hill in my journey. I truly do want to move past this before it consumes me and sends me back the way I came.

I'll be praying for guidance and strength for myself, I won't just give up this time like in the past. Please God don't let me give up on myself again.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm praying for you, too.
    4496 days ago
    Concrete things you can do right now to turn it around.

    Lay on your bed and breathe.

    Say thank you to the Universe for - The fact that you can breathe without a respirator, the fact that you have full faculty of your mind, the fact that you can move every limb, see every color, hear every note. Then start to smile at your inner organs and thank them. Thank your liver for taking out toxins, your kidneys, your colon. Thank your heart for the hard work it does. Thank your skin for protecting you and doing it's best to tighten up and be beautiful for you.

    Smile smile smile.

    Now, write a gratitude list of those things, and everything in your life you feel so fortunate to have.

    Now, say to yourself. "I Love You Bella."

    I love you Bella,

    4496 days ago
  • DONNA963
    Bella, realize that part of healing is cleansing and it is good to cry. Look at it this way. If you are releasing by crying then you are not holding it in and eating to feel better. Don't worry about what is to come. You will be provided for if you just keep faith and keep believing in yourself. Don't let others negative talk get to you. Hold strong and keep doing what you know you should. Your path is your own and only you can make it. I am keeping you in my heart and wishing the best for you. I know you can do it. emoticon emoticon
    4496 days ago

    I read your blog and I feel your heart in what you wrote. I am really happy you were even able to write it. Many of us has been where you are. I believe it is a natural part of life letting go of that imaginary way of thinking is not easy. The one thing i know many times we are told that we should be strong and move on but sometimes it's ok to be weak and cry and give yourself time to get over things. Bella you are going through a lot right now be patient with yourself when your heart it breaking. What i did when i was in your situation was eat. Bella as time passed I got over the broken heart and I stopped punishing myself by emotional eating. I did it slowly working out became a way to get away from the constant thoughts in my mind. I can't say it enough be patient with yourself. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to get over the past it really was not that long ago that your heart became broken. I love the book A New Earth By Eckhart Tolle I help to understand how the mind tries to hold you inside of the pain. Once you realize what really going on in your mind you can easily get over a lot of the pain. Just know how you feel is not uncommon hang in there because this too shall pass. I will pray for you Bella love yourself you are worth love. The love you lost wasn't the love you needed the love you need will come be patient. I only found my husband in my mid 30's I almost lost my mind when my relationship ended because i felt like I would be alone forever. I was standing in front of a restaurant and that day i was feeling very lonely and he walked up to me and we started talking. I was feeling so lonely I didn't even notice him too much and we have been together ever since. Strange but true take care of yourself.

    4496 days ago
    Just wanted to send you a hug emoticon and to say i will be praying for you. Life is not always easy and we just need to take it day by day and lean on God. emoticon Remember the poem footsteps and know that He will carry you during these hard times. That does not mean it will be easy and that you will pick all the right choices it just means He will never leave you and will help you no matter what. Please just take it step by step and know that you do have support right here and yes we do listen when someone says I need support. A lot of awesome people on this board!
    4497 days ago
    First, thank you for posting this and letting folks support you. I know how hard it is for me to do that, and salute you for your courage.

    What struck me about what you wrote, and what prompted me to reply, is that you said you're fighting what you're feeling right now. I know what my therapist/life coach would say if I were in your situation -- stop fighting it. Let yourself feel it fully, right now. In fact, make yourself feel it even more -- let those feelings go from whatever they're currently at right now (scale of 1-10) all the way to that 10, and sit with it. Allow yourself to be fully consumed by those feelings, even if just for a minute or two. Pay attention to how your body feels, your muscles, your breathing.... Feel it at that highest level for as long as you can stand it ... and then reassess how you're feeling physically. Are you feeling less tension now? What's changed?

    I don't know whether that would work for you, or whether it's something you'd be comforable doing without at least someone on the phone with you, supporting you through it. But I can't help thinking that, if you've been unable to work through what you're going through by fighting it for 4 days, maybe it's time to let those feelings fully have their place for a while. Maybe, then, they'll be ready to go away and leave you in peace.

    I know I don't know you, so I don't know whether this would work for you or not. But I felt like I needed to say this to you, just in case it's something that might work for you right now.

    I'm wishing you the best, however you work through this. Because you will.
    4497 days ago
  • SURF@723
    You are not alone.

    Most of us have gone through what you are describing in different ways and because we are all unique - I think we all go thru this in unique ways and face different demons. Like Kathie717 says - it is a roller coaster. Plus being and looking one way was familiar, may not be what we want but it is something we know and so it feels safe. And letting go both the safe feeling and continuing on is not easy - mentally. Plus that you are moving - wow that is so much on your plate.

    You can do it though, you are strong and getting healthy is a good change. This whole process is a journey and this is just one part to say goodbye to some of the old ways. Maybe it might help to write a goodbye card or letter to those feelings and acquaintances to help you move on.

    Moving is always hard, I moved lots in my life and from different countries too. There was always a person or two that made it sound like it was the worse possible idea and almost every time the move turned out to be fine. And even when it was very hard to start with, later it turned out to be the right move. Trust in your feelings.

    You can do this and move past this hill....and we are all here watching over you and just yell for some support when you need some more :)


    4497 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/5/2008 8:54:36 AM
  • KATHIE717
    Know that you are in no way alone with these feelings.

    I think most of us have gone through it one time or another. And I think that understanding and knowing that you aren't alone, that folks have shouldered trough can be so helpful.

    I want to mention something to you as an aside, because for a while I was having a hard time dealing with my feelings and the entire emotional rollercoaster that this journey has been. It was frustrating for me and come to find out, my thyroid has been underactive and this can amplify so many issues - making mountains out of my molehills, as it were. And we all know that mountains are so much harder to climb! It just may be something to think about, is all.
    4497 days ago
    Hang in there you are on the right path.
    While we lose weight, everything changes. The way we see ourselves, think, act, etc. It is all part of the process.
    You need to remove those negative thoughts. What is past is past & we can learn from it but not change the past, just work on today.
    There are things that have happened to us that we may never understand & it can really effect you if you keep trying to analaze it.
    You need to take some time to meditate & get rid of the others junk that is attached to you. THis may take time (I know I just went thru it). Focus on you, healing, grounding, cleansing.
    Good luck, you will be fine & you can do this!
    4497 days ago
  • no profile photo JEANELLEN59
    This journey to lose weight is so much more than just eating and exercising. It is a journey in which many of us each face the causes of our over-eating and ill-health. This illness can come in many forms - some emotional - some physical. Whenever we try to change 'who and how' we are - we have to begin this 2nd journey. It is NOT an easy path.

    Changing 'who and how' we are endangers our identity. Many authors call this identity the ego. The ego/identity does not want to change for if it does it must give up its identity. Even identities that cling to phrases such as, "Poor me, I don't deserve it" or "I am great I deserve whatever I want." They are opposite ego-identities and yet still identities. The ego is strong. It DOES NOT WANT TO let go of anything it thinks it is.

    The ego/identity would rather cling to something very negative than be nothing at all.

    The truth it you are SOMEONE. An action and prayer I have found for this 2nd journey [facing and changing oneself] is this:

    Action - Be aware of this ego/identity. Every time it 'raises' its head in negativity and wanting to return to the old way [clinging to its old identity] just be aware of the thoughts without identifying with them. You can be the observer of the thought.

    Prayer - Ask for God's healing and guidance. Ask for courage to let go of the old thinking patterns.

    Hope this helps a little. I am no expert in psychology. I am walking this 2nd journey also and have let the 'poor me' identity go. For me, it did not happen over night, but it did happen. Don't give up.
    4497 days ago
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