Frustrated with being *stuck*
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Anyone who may be stopping by to see what my I need support is for~it's alway's hard for me to ask for myself but I think I need to do that now. If you could just think of me today in your prayers/thought's for strength it would mean a lot to me. I'm on some type of brink and I am very scared. If you want to read more you can below. Thank you for coming to my page to check on me, it means a lot to me.
I don't know the exact thing going on, I just know the past 4 days now have not been good inside, I have spent 3 days crying and today I woke up again with these same feelings. I feel like I am taking two steps back and one forward now in my healing journey and it is scaring me. The food/eating right is fine. I am not going back to eating emotionally. However, I am scared if I can't get myself with the new me, that the old me will win and we all know what happen's there as I know if you are on this site you have been there. I believe this is where I have always gone the wrong way in the past and just went back to old habits in every area of my life. I never recognized it before as anything other then I am weak and don't deserve this or that and no matter what I do I will never be this or that. Basically the woah is me I am so pathetic thing~I just fell to it all my life without ever examining it. I don't believe all that now~but admit I can feel the little stings and jabs as if all I need to do is let one of those old cruel negative's in and I lose because one leads to one more and so on.
This journey is all so new to me still and I have so much going on around me that is changing or will change and I admit I am scared the closer fall get's as that is when I will be moving back to the United States and have no idea yet where I am going to live or what I am going to do job wise. The "OMG the economy sucks, you're screwed" that I have been hearing from my family and a couple aquaintances (my friends wouldn't make me feel worse then I do so these people have been moved a different status) do not help my mindset one bit either. =)
So basically I am kinda falling apart and fighting it right now. I am having a hard time letting go and forgiving some people and things. I don't know why these two people are harder then other's, I just know that what this is doing to me I don't want. I am tired of crying over those who don't care about me and tired of being stuck on this hill in my journey. I truly do want to move past this before it consumes me and sends me back the way I came.
I'll be praying for guidance and strength for myself, I won't just give up this time like in the past. Please God don't let me give up on myself again.