Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay...
Monday, July 14, 2008
I started a post in my BL Challenge team and it just went into a long blog type so I am putting it here too.
I've been avoiding the site/talking to anyone because I am just not *feeling* it. I have so much garbage filtering through that I knew I would do 1 of two things: Dump on the other person or pretend to be all happy and peachy. I refused to do either as they both make me feel less then I am.
I'm not writing this for attention~you can actually just skip it and I won't mind. Part of me is hoping by letting it out in type I can let it out in person. I am just letting my team and my Spark friends know where I am and how I am doing. I'll be posting this in my blog too.
I have tracked my food everyday, it's a habit now. So this weekend when I stumbled and watched myself falling, scared to reach out and catch me and just thinking "now's the time" just give it up, you will never be happy....I had to track the chips I ate at 2am because I was not in bed like I should be. The 3 slices of cheese I ate without even realizing I was eating them...mindlessly eating as preparing plates. Yet very mindful of how I'm losing my grip on everything that was like second nature. It's not the food this time that has me all messy, it's that I know why now. I know exactly what is happening. I have prayed over certain things and have actually HEARD the answers. Just this morning I got an email from someone, it was the closure I had been so lost without....or so I thought. "If only..." and I got my if only yet now I feel such a deep deep emptiness and even more of a detachment from myself. If only never comes and I realize that now.
So basically I'm battling with what I know is my reality and getting answers to prayers. Brillant right? lol I never heard any answers to my prayers in the past as I was closed off to receiving them. So getting answers and seeing things manifest is really throwing me. Especially the latest one. It's good I know, I just have to learn how to handle when it happen's and not run in fear. Today I've chosen to baby myself~I grabbed his dogtags and put them on, I let myself lay in bed and cry and cry and feel the pain. The pain of everything I lost and everything I will lose (the negatives, the weight, people etc.) and haven't done much talking today to anyone. I am not wanting to hear my voice~I just want to be quiet and allow myself to be in this because what I really want to do is RUN. Run away and fight. But I am tired of running even when I am standing still.
I know I will make it through, I know I am going to be okay. I do know all these things but the emptiness and loneliness I feel of late is suffocating. If that makes any sense. =) I thought I had all kinds of friends and the man of my dreams. I seemed to have lost most everyone all around the same time. My old *friends* can't be found and I feel like I am being avoided so no they don't have to listen to my crap or *pick a side* and yeah I am bitter right now. Not talking about nice people I've met on the Spark site, I mean people I used to talk to everyday. I'm sure you know what I mean, now I am just rambling. Basically I just feel so alone and this morning when I got an email I wanted to talk to someone about it and realized....I have no one. That sounds really pathetic I know lol~don't mean it to, it's just a part of my reality that hurts right now. If my dog could speak it would be great! Then again she would probably tell me to hush she was trying to nap lol.
Anyway, to close this up. I am tracking my food for the challenge, I am eating on plan...even when I went a bit haywire this weekend I never went above 2,000 and I think that was just one day. That is actually pretty amazing thinking how a year ago I could have gotten 2,000 calories in just a night time binge alone LOL. I am doing my walking and strength training. It's in bursts here and there but I haven't stopped doing it either. I have continued to wake-up, breathe and move. No longer closing the blinds and sleeping the day away hating myself like you would have found me last year. I've come a long way but realize parts of me have yet to catch up. So I'll be here moving and breathing as I wait for myself to get all caught up so that I can continue down the path of my journey.
Suddenly the song "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay" is running through my head LOL.