overcoming depression and that empty place!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Well......its been a long while since I last wrote a blog and I think its about time i did! I am starting to crawl my out af an abyss of depression that had me down for many weeks! I continued to post every day and mostly act as though nothing was wrong thinking that I could handle it on my own! What a mistake! Every time I do this.....it makes me eat too much .......sends me running to the fridge to fill that empty place inside of me that I have often spoke of! Only problem is ....when you try to fill a void in your life by using food as a replacement .....it really doesnt help! It doesnt solve the emptiness inside of you and indeed it usually just makes you feel worse! I have felt guilty for not getting up of my behind and excersising more, I have felt guilty for over indulging and pretty much binge eating!
I realise that I always tend to let my emotions get the best of me! I am taking the advice of some wonderful spark friends and blogging my thoughts and feelings so that I can better understand what is going on with me and hopefully find better ways to deal with my "STUFF"other than eating! If you've ever read my page ,you know that I have had self image ,self esteem difficulties in the past! I always thought that people would only like me if I looked good because I didnt have much else to offer! I have never thought I was or am a funny person or a smart person and I never thought people would like me just for me! This caused me to base all of my actions and reactions to people soley on superficial unrealistic ideals! As I gained weight through the years I had to re-adjust my thinking! Suddenly I wasnt what I thought of as the pretty girl and I had to force myself to take a good hard look at myself and how I felt about me! I didnt like what I saw at that point!Since then I have really embraced the idea that you have to be a friend to make friends! I try to live life as if tomorrow might never come so I better appreciate the people around me TODAY! The problem that becomes then is that I struggle with depression.......and I start to feel down on myself if I dont live up to those expectations I have placed on myself! I try to be perfect! I try to give to everyone in my life! I try to be the happy person! I try to be the great housewife,great mom, great friend and great worker! When depression hits me I have trouble being great at anything and then I hate myself! Afterall,how can I let myself get like that! I have to be good at everything!(or so I think) I realise today that there are many things that I AM GOOD AT! I need to remember to appreciate my good qualities and learn to forgive myself for my down times! I need to take the nuturing mom in me and remember to nuture myself a bit from time to time! I wouldnt let my children get down on themself like this.........I would pick them up,boost their spirits and tell them that they are worth every bit of effort there is to take care of themselves!
Taking care of yourself isnt just about superficial things! it is about loving yourself enough to take care of your physical body so that your body will sustain you for a very long time! It isnt just about keeping clean and dressing nice but also eating healthy and excersising so that the body that God gave you/me will be at its best ......so that you or I will have energy to sustain us through our days! Today the fog is lifing from my brain and I realise that in order to fight these sad feelings I get from time to time I need to take care of my physical health with proper eating,excersise,and a good nights sleep! I have discovered that when I get a good nights sleep and drink my water I actually am more able to ward of those sad feelings! Gee! Surprise! I should know that right?Sometimes I let stress take my sensibilities away! I know what I need to do! Now the task is to make myself do it once and for all!
I hope and pray that I have it in my head this time...and not just for today,but for the long hau! We shall see ........because I know Ive said much of this before and let myself fall away again! All any of us can do is forgive ourself when we fail and try ,try again! So here I go again! Time to put my health as a priority!
Thankyou my spark friends for listening..you can only begin to imagine just how important many of you have become to me! I love some of you like a best friend even though we have never actually met! Thankyou for being a friend and good luck on your own health journeys!