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overcoming depression and that empty place!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Well......its been a long while since I last wrote a blog and I think its about time i did! I am starting to crawl my out af an abyss of depression that had me down for many weeks! I continued to post every day and mostly act as though nothing was wrong thinking that I could handle it on my own! What a mistake! Every time I do this.....it makes me eat too much .......sends me running to the fridge to fill that empty place inside of me that I have often spoke of! Only problem is ....when you try to fill a void in your life by using food as a replacement .....it really doesnt help! It doesnt solve the emptiness inside of you and indeed it usually just makes you feel worse! I have felt guilty for not getting up of my behind and excersising more, I have felt guilty for over indulging and pretty much binge eating!

I realise that I always tend to let my emotions get the best of me! I am taking the advice of some wonderful spark friends and blogging my thoughts and feelings so that I can better understand what is going on with me and hopefully find better ways to deal with my "STUFF"other than eating! If you've ever read my page ,you know that I have had self image ,self esteem difficulties in the past! I always thought that people would only like me if I looked good because I didnt have much else to offer! I have never thought I was or am a funny person or a smart person and I never thought people would like me just for me! This caused me to base all of my actions and reactions to people soley on superficial unrealistic ideals! As I gained weight through the years I had to re-adjust my thinking! Suddenly I wasnt what I thought of as the pretty girl and I had to force myself to take a good hard look at myself and how I felt about me! I didnt like what I saw at that point!Since then I have really embraced the idea that you have to be a friend to make friends! I try to live life as if tomorrow might never come so I better appreciate the people around me TODAY! The problem that becomes then is that I struggle with depression.......and I start to feel down on myself if I dont live up to those expectations I have placed on myself! I try to be perfect! I try to give to everyone in my life! I try to be the happy person! I try to be the great housewife,great mom, great friend and great worker! When depression hits me I have trouble being great at anything and then I hate myself! Afterall,how can I let myself get like that! I have to be good at everything!(or so I think) I realise today that there are many things that I AM GOOD AT! I need to remember to appreciate my good qualities and learn to forgive myself for my down times! I need to take the nuturing mom in me and remember to nuture myself a bit from time to time! I wouldnt let my children get down on themself like this.........I would pick them up,boost their spirits and tell them that they are worth every bit of effort there is to take care of themselves!

Taking care of yourself isnt just about superficial things! it is about loving yourself enough to take care of your physical body so that your body will sustain you for a very long time! It isnt just about keeping clean and dressing nice but also eating healthy and excersising so that the body that God gave you/me will be at its best ......so that you or I will have energy to sustain us through our days! Today the fog is lifing from my brain and I realise that in order to fight these sad feelings I get from time to time I need to take care of my physical health with proper eating,excersise,and a good nights sleep! I have discovered that when I get a good nights sleep and drink my water I actually am more able to ward of those sad feelings! Gee! Surprise! I should know that right?Sometimes I let stress take my sensibilities away! I know what I need to do! Now the task is to make myself do it once and for all!

I hope and pray that I have it in my head this time...and not just for today,but for the long hau! We shall see ........because I know Ive said much of this before and let myself fall away again! All any of us can do is forgive ourself when we fail and try ,try again! So here I go again! Time to put my health as a priority!

Thankyou my spark friends for listening..you can only begin to imagine just how important many of you have become to me! I love some of you like a best friend even though we have never actually met! Thankyou for being a friend and good luck on your own health journeys!

hugs Tina emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • THERESAZ28
    Tina, I don't know if your depression is to the point that you need professional help with it or not, but if you do---get that help---there is no shame in seeking out wise, professional help.
    Stay connected here---not just reading other people's posts, but get on here daily and stay with the program---I believe if you do, you'll have a greater desire to be faithful to your program.
    When you feel down on yourself--tell us--we'll pick you up and tell you how great you really are---AND YOU ARE!!!
    Don't crawl back into that dark space---there, satan will torment your mind, tell you lies about yourself, and keep you down and defeated; you're back out in the light now, we can see you, we care about you, we will help you, we are committed to this journey-----we are Sparkers.
    Love to you Tina..........
    Theresa

    4230 days ago
  • ALOHAMAILE
    Your blog is so heartfelt. I too have been suffering from depression...but my Dr. told me, which I kinda already knew, that it is situational depression. My "family" totally abandoned me and kicked me to the curb because I chose to start going to Al-anon, as I was raised in an alcoholic/gambling and major dysfunctional family...as many, many people were. My "family" took the fun out of dysfunctional. They are all choosing to stay in denial, won't go to family counseling...and I am their scapegoat. I've been studying about this for years and it's truly helped to understand it all...intellectually...but emotionally...it's been hell...and lonely...but I know I am God's child and he has incredible things in store for me. One day at a time...right? We must be good to ourselves, love ourselves and be the person we were born to be. If not...we are kicking sand in God's face. emoticon
    4230 days ago
  • EMMASMART
    what you need is habits. Honest blog habits. Write often. That way we can stretch out our arms when you go over board.

    I'm stuggling with my health again. I'm so tired all the time. But i will get through this! i just know it.

    And you will get through this and the things that come after it too. You are wonderful you know. I am happy to tell you that. It's so true. If you start to think you are no good remember you are wrong about that. You ARE wonderful.

    Eckhart Tolle has a saying "Do you have a mind or does your mind have you?" If you have depression you are well aware that occasionally you suffer from disordered thinking. So when you get a thought where you don't feel good about yourself, remember you are wonderful. that you are suffering from disordered thinking and that all it is. Don't take disordered thinking seriuosly, you will feel much better.

    Emma
    4231 days ago
  • RSOBIES
    Amen sister!!

    As a depression survivor I can tell you that stuffing feelings and ignoring them does not work.

    Having small personal goals and meeting them makes us feel better about ourseves
    4231 days ago
  • LEVARFICART
    Wow, Tina.... your blog sounds EXACTLY like where I've been lately.

    I'm a people-pleaser. I'm too hard on myself. I'm very critical. But most people see me as a happy-go-lucky person. Sometimes my true friends can tell when times are hard and I can't hide it. But they know my intentions are good.

    Anyways, we are so DONE. We need to take each day at a time, and not let one set back keep us from pushing forward. Not be so critical of ourselves. Realize that NOBODY is perfect and we can't please everyone. And that's OKAY.

    I know you can do this!
    4231 days ago
  • PUMPKINFACE73
    Tina.....ley me start by saying GREAT blog honey......this journey we are all on is soo much more and you are taking charge if it all.......super proud of YOU...Girl you can do this.....We love ya....DONE girls are in it to win it and I cant wait to see you reach your goals........love ya girl

    Heather
    4231 days ago
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