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I have returned... in worst condition

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

My fingers graze the keyboard hastily... I am in a dark place right now... emotionally, I guess. I have gained weight, Im probably around 270 at the moment and I haven't felt worst about myself in my entire life... I can feel the weight starting to affect me; I think I may be developing breathing issues while I sleep, my back is in constant pain, I feel myself straining when I get up from laying down...the fat that droops from my flesh and bone is heavier and more burdonsome... I gaze at myself in the mirror after a shower and I realize how much weight has been added to my frame...
I recall when i was first over 200lbs...I cried, so hard... But I said I would fix it...then 220 came, again, i'd fix it and for sometime I did... I maintained a weight... Then 232 came along, and I was devestated. finally it piled on and I just didn't stop it (never try eating fast food for a month straight, u really do gain 30lbs fast)
I see my mistakes, I reflect upon them... Yet I cannot fix them. I need help, so much help... Theres a possibility I can go for the Lapband surgery... But, I am afraid. I want to do it, but I really do not at the same time. I want to be able to do it myself... If i really want to eat, putting a happy little rubber band around my stomach is not going to stop me.
"You have to want it" my mother tells me... I want it...Then why the HELl can't I do it? Why in gods name do i say "hm zac, go get taco bell" or simply NOT excercise. Why don't I get off my fat arse and do something about it.
What is wrong with me...
I need help I do not know where to turn...I pray, to whatever Gods and Goddesses are within our universe, I plan, but I never execute my plans... Where can I find motivation?
Do i scare myself? Think of the health problems that I am bestowing upon myself?
how do i do it...
Sparkers....HELP ME
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • GRIFF2734
    Ive been where you are many times in my life reading your blog makes me reflect back to those times and I realized at that time I could not stand or walk the pain was unbearable. Then I went to my doctor and everything started to go up. My blood pressure, sugar, cholesterol, my knees ached so bad and they would give out on me from time to time. My body was telling me it just couldnt hold me up anymore. So after days of crying and saying this is impossible, I have to lose almost 300lbs it cant be done.

    I had to turn my negative thinking into positive thinking it was not easy to do, believe me. I had many many crying sessions with myself. But when I got done crying I took my time with myself and the first thing I taught myself was how to eat and what to eat. I went online and found a 1500 calorie diet and I stuck to it. Before I knew it I was losing weight. I ate my 3 meals a day plus 2 snacks. These foods consisted of whole grains, veggies, fruit lots and lots of water, diet green tea no sugar, no flour and no processed foods.

    After 4 months I dropped 30lbs and started working out sitting on my bed! I got myself 1lb hand weights and worked out my upper body till I got a good sweat going I stuck with that and an additional 20lbs came off. I couldnt believe it after 50lbs came off I started walking not far but I could walk and not hurt. What I thought was impossible is possible I never thought I would be 215lbs I am more than half way to my goal. I have about 70 more pounds to lose and I know I will do it. If I can do this at 420lbs you can to be patient with yourself take babysteps eat healthy and drink your water, and find a workout that you like to do.

    This is a fight, fight for yourself stay strong,focused and determined to lose the weight. You have lots of love and support here to help you. Please dont give up keep trying.

    Much success to you..

    4302 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/20/2008 10:02:30 AM
    You can't do anything about what's already been done, but you can control your behavior today and tomorrow. Don't expect miracles and take it one day at a time.

    I am in a similar boat so I really feel what you're going through. I'm a little further on my way back down though. You'll be amazed what even a 10 lb loss will do when it comes to climbing the stairs.

    Best of luck and if you need a sounding board please feel free to Sparkmail me :)
    4317 days ago
  • CUDDY521
    Dear Christine,You can do this with the help of S.P.& the wonderful Done Girls,never give up, yell for help & someone will always answer you & I`ll be here for all the cheers & tears.Do this for yourself & a healthy life style..
    I love you Momma xoxoxoxo emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4318 days ago
  • MIEKA91
    I am so happy for you for attempting to better your life, once again. I started off around the same as you. I am currently right now 248 pds. ( i guess i gained two pounds this week :( ) You have to believe in your mind, and know in your heart that you can do this! I just broke down earlier..crying and in a bad state for a lot of different issues but I just got on my knees and prayed to jesus that he would give me continual stregenth in all of this, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO GO BACK TOO! But being big and unhappy. THAT ALONE KEEPS ME GOING! I want to be able to fit into a two piece, and not be called "fat girl" or "big girl".. I have so many reasons to lose weight, and none to keep it on. REALLY think about the pros and cons to this.. you have already made the first step.. DONT GIVE UP!

    Let me know if you want to talk! Im always around here somewhere!

    4319 days ago
    Well, you have already taken a GREAT step by posting out here! This is a great community and I know that you will find the encouragement and accountability you need if you will find a buddy to walk with you. You can do this! You HAVE to do this! Your life is too valuable...YOU are too valuable. You eat an elephant one bite at a time...just start...daily...don't give up...set your goals...use the tools out here...count, weigh, measure...move your body, even if it's just 10-minutes on the treadmill each day to start...YOU CAN DO IT! emoticon
    4319 days ago
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