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Thursday, January 01, 2009

279.2..Again, I start ANOTHER year losing weight. I am so embarassed by my reflection and the failure I feel within myself. I can't adequately descibe my disapointment in myself. I look at this site and in my journal books here and there and find the same thing over and over, year after year...starting attempts at weightloss, with alot of struggles, failure, then giving up. I almost think, really, should I put the energy in, what is the point, to fail again? But..if I do what I have always done, I will get what I have always got. I either need to change the way I live my life, or live it unhappy and fat, and uncomfortable. Choose or shut up. I am not happy and I want to be. Everything else in my life is amazing. I have a handsome, successful, supportive husband, and beautiful, healthy, intellegent child and on my way to my chosen career. Yet, I feel completely unfullfilled and ashamed of myself. I know I do not give what I can of myself to my family or friends because I want to just get through each day. I literally feel every single heavy pound weighing me down. I have never felt this numb or invisible before (well, I probably have)....but at this weight, I want to be invisible..to everyone. I feel obsessed with food. I need to make this change. I need to make this change.
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