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JILLYBEAN25
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Second Weigh-In of the Year!

Sunday, February 01, 2009

I lost 3 more pounds in the last two weeks! Another victory for stressed out and burned out! Woo!

School is still hectic and crazy. It feels like this quarter is constantly fluid. Each week my schedule changes. My four classes are so much more demanding that I was originally led to believe. The workload is equal to 5 or 6 classes, easily. But, that's okay. I should be graduating in December and ya know what? That makes it so much better... knowing I'm less than a year away from such a big life goal! A can practically see that degree hanging up on my fridge! ;-) Hahaha!

Mostly, though... My stress is stemming from other things. Its about my feeling of imbalance. Like, I'm not juggling the elements of my life correctly or efficiently. Normally that's not the case. I'm pretty darn organized and methodical. Not so much lately. I feel like I have all these responsibilities and that everyone expects so much of me... and I already expect so much of myself. How can I live up to all these expectations? How can I do what I need to do for those who depend on me?

I'm the co-president of a club on campus for transfer and commuter students. I have two other leaders of this club: the other co-president and the vice president. I thank God I have the both of them because I could not be that responsible for the club. But, in all honesty, I feel like sometimes the responsibilities of the club become imbalanced. Last quarter I felt like I was having to do a lot of the work for the club. We have to have a representative go to an external committee to keep track of our club’s activities. I was doing that myself. I have to pay for the club’s supplies (I get reimbursed later), but that was always a hardship for me. I dunno if the others thought I was made of money or what, but I was not always okay going without groceries until I got reimbursed! I’m just as broke as they are. I’m always keeping track of what the other clubs on campus are doing. I’m arranging meetings. I’m making sure our events are organized and go off without a hitch. A lot of the time, I feel like I’m doing it all alone.

I’m also the transfer representative on our Student Council at Eleanor Roosevelt College. That’s not too terrible of a gig, actually. I sit through a meeting for 2-3 hours, once a week. Its when all the other things get added to the mix. Martin Luther King Jr. Holiday weekend I was required to march in a parade. Next week I have to help set up for an honored speaker that will be giving a speech at my college for our 20th Anniversary celebration. That night I have a dinner to attend with my friends- something that’s supposed to be fun and relaxing, but at this point in time feels like yet another obligation. And of course, I feel terrible for even feeling that way.

So that segues into my friends. I’ve been so busy this quarter (actually, we all have) that I haven’t seen my friends nearly as much as I usually do. I know they feel neglected. But, my priorities have changed slightly this quarter. I can’t sacrifice my time for them if I want to do well and graduate on time. I think its creating jealousy among them and to some degree, some resentment. There’s only one friend I have this quarter who’s schedule is actually very similar to mine, so I see him all the time. In fact, Mike’s the only one I really see on a regular basis. But, even then, when I’m “hanging out” with him, we’re studying or working out. He’s the only one of my best friends here that will work out with me.

And thank goodness he does. Cuz I’ve dropped 5 pounds in the month of January! I could have done better, but the first two weeks of this month were quite spotty. But, I am doing work on stage again (SO AWESOME!!!) and that gets me hot and sweaty (and filthy!), so I’m at least doing a lot of working out during that time! Then I get to my Pilates class once or twice a week. I play extreme racquetball or do a regular workout with Mike, once or twice a week. I eat healthy- making sure to get in lots of veggies and lean meats. I don’t deprive myself, but I watch my portions to make sure I don’t over do it. And even under all this stress, I still do well with activity and food intake!

So, why am I not sleeping well? Why is my stress not being managed? My insomnia is back, with a vengeance. And when I do sleep, usually 4-6 hours a night, I have these crazy vivid dreams all through the night. I wake up from them feeling just as exhausted as I did before going to sleep. Its like my brain never shut off and rested during my sleep. My doctor has expressed concern over this and is prescribing me some sleeping medications. I have to say, I’m pretty terrified of taking them. I don’t want to develop a dependence on them. It’s a medication that will be in and out of my body quickly… Like, 3-4 hours and then its out. It’ll help me fall asleep quickly, stay asleep for about 4 hours, I shouldn’t wake up groggy, and my few hours of sleep should be refreshing and recharging good quality sleep. I’ll only take them 3-4 nights a week. Because of the small amount of time the drug will be in my system, my body will have less of a chance to form a dependence on it. I have yet to fill the prescription. I don’t have a car… or money… so, that has to wait.

Oh yeah. Someone broke my only pair of prescription glasses last night. So, I’m screwed on that front as well. It’ll cost in the ‘hood of $260 for a new pair, if I’m not mistaken. Yup. That sucks. That’ll have to wait, too.

So… to make myself feel better: 5lbs, woohoo! Let’s see if I can beat that in February.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • CLAUDIA1333
    Wow you sure do have a lot going on but it sounds like at least in terms of your spark mission you're handling it quite well. College is naturally tough, but remember if you can survive this than you'll be uber-prepared for real life. Keep up the great work and don't let the stress get you down!
    4462 days ago
  • TMCFADD1
    Jilly, your amazing! Your an amazing and dedicated young lady and what an inspiration. You do all you can not just for you but for others. No wonder your stressed out hon. Take it one day at a time. Prioritize your life and those things within it. I agree with Erin if you don't feel comfortable with taking the sleeping pills, don't. De-stress yourself at night. By a certain time say that's it and meditate on sleep. If you don't make time for you who else will?


    4462 days ago
  • ERINBELLOWS1978
    Jill- You are pushing yourself a little too hard honney!! Don't beat yourself up about it either. You are a committed, goal driven, determined woman!! That's something to be proud of. Just keep thinking after December YOU"RE DONE!!! It's almost over darlin! In a few weeks you'll have Spring Break coming up and you can relax-a little anyway! You've done amazing this month, with everything your doing and having to go through: your house being fixed(the smell-UGH), your clubs, your class load, and then to top things off your friends being a bunch of selfish punks!!(sorry) They will understand hon. If they love you the way I think they do, they just miss you! They'd rather you spend time w/ them than w/ your books-and if they all know and like Mike then they are probly a little jealeous of the time you get to spend w/ him.

    Dont worry about the sleeping pills...if you're not comfortable w/ them then DONT take them. Try meditating before you go to bed. Deep breathing and stretching. Lights out and try relaxing from the top of your head all the way down to your toes. Go over each body part in slow motion-mentally tell each muscle and fiber to relax. Hopefully before you get to your toes you'll be asleep!! It's worth a shot babe. And WRITE. Carry a journal with you! It's no wonder your stressed, you hold everything in until you remember or find time to jot down a blog. You need to vent more, that will help you w/ your stress too. The more you write it out and vent your frusterations, the more you WONT go over and over and over it all before you sleep!! Good luck this month my friend. Just know that I at least think you're amazing and that I am very proud of you!!!

    Erin
    4463 days ago
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