Had a phone message last night from my ex. Says he is living nearby again. For the last couple months he's lived much farther away, and I've been able to put my stress over him on the back burner. I knew he wouldn't show up. Now.... he wants to see his son. I don't want to see him. We had a horrible relationship. When we first got together I used to sleep 14 or 16 hrs. a day (I've always been depressed) and he constantly berated me and made me feel bad about myself. After I had MY son, I got control over my life for the most part. NO more oversleeping. Worked 4days a week and deepcleaned the house EVERY Wednesday (and I'm talking CLEAN!) - I cooked dinner most nights - kept up with the bills did everything. The ex worked but after he came home - he sat on his @$$ and didn't help with the baby. He still berated me all the time and I finally quit taking it. I was doing EVERYTHING right! So when he put me down- I turned around and put him down. Then he would start yelling and I would yell back. It didn't take long to realize that finally standing up to him was not the answer. So when we would start to fight - I would tell him not in front of the baby and he would scream louder. So I'd take my son and try to leave and he would barricade the door. I tried with all my strength to move him, but he was too strong. That's why I say he was abusive. Not physically, but mentally. I would quit fighting and just go in a corner to cry and he would follow me through the house yelling. It got so bad, I did things I'm ashamed of. The last time he barricaded me in the house, I tried to climb out the window and he grabbed my feet and pulled me back in. The I threatened to stab him. I know I'm not to blame for that - he made me feel like a cornered animal. I only reacted with instinct. Of course I didn't stab him. Then he started telling me I was abusive!! :O That I made him feel bad all the time. (For 3 years - I never stood up to him, when he would berate me - I was like "your right, it's all my fault". He couldn't stand it when he couldn't control me anymore. But after becoming a mom - I realized I HAVE to be in control of my life, so I can try my best to be a good mom.
Sometimes, I feel sorry for him. He had abusive (both physically and mentally) parents who had drug/alcohol problems and he was not raised right. But it is not my job to fix him. And I truly believe that right now my son is better off without him. He is not stable and moves from place to place. It is not healthy for young children to have someone go in and out of there lives like that. When he is older I"m sure he'll want to see his father.
But I feel guilty about not letting him see him. I just want him GONE!! out of my life for good. After the phone call last night, I ate so much I was laying on the floor moaning in pain, and even burping up food because it didn't all fit in my stomach. I CANNOT BE AROUND HIM. A simple phone message destroys me for days. I don't know if I'll ever be okay around him. When his voice popped up on the phone, immediately my heart rate soars to an anaerobic level, my stomach swirls and I want to throw up.
I wish I had a man that could be supportive of me, and that man was the father of my child.
I don't know what to do. It's funny. When we were together, he would say I never wanted to go anywhere and I was so antisocial. And it's true, but now (16 months after we split) I have lots of friends and go out almost every weekend! I do have social anxiety/panic attack problems, but I know my friends like me for me, I go out with them and it's not an issue. With him, he made me feel more insecure, instead of being my security blanket. HOw could I expect his friends to like me, when he didn't even seem to. He strung me along for years, and left when I quit letting him control me. He wants someone he can manipulate.
OH, yeah, a few months ago, when he left me a message telling me he had moved to Ft. Worth, he said, "I still love you, Michelle." Which, by the way, is NOT my name.
I need to be stronger. I need to deal with this somehow. But there doesn't seem to be any answer. I just keep hoping he will drop dead. I just want to hide in my bed.
I'll be nervous again, when out gardening or anything in my yard, because he could drive by, and see me and know I'm here then . . . Thank God he's a little scared of my dad. One of the reasons (besides financial) that I moved back in with my parents is because the house I had shared with my ex. He came by one day for the stuff he had left behind. It was Wednesday and he knew I usually had Wed. off from work and would be cleaning. So he shows up without warning or permission. And I pretend to not be there. He's banging on the doors screaming calling my phone 20X in a row and acting like he was looking for the spare key, and then banging on the back door, which he had broken into before (the house was unlevel and that door didn't shut good so I couldn't latch the deadbolt). I guess he thought cuz he lived there before he could just come on in. I was afraid he would break in, and knew he would keep coming down there. I didn't feel safe.
Sometimes, I'm afraid there's actually nothing wrong with him and it's all me. That I really am just plain CRAZY, certifiable. Of course, that comes from him too. After the way he would act and treat me - he would tell me I was crazy, because I was depressed, and cried alot. HELLO - he was the reason for 99% of those tears. I know better - I"ve seen this alot. Women that are abused usually blame themselves. But for a while. He had me believing it.
He was never a BAD father, though. So maybe I should let him see my son. But that means I'll see him.
I pray but it doesn't seem to help. If I had the money, I'd move far away and not tell anybody where - so he could never find me.
It's all my fault that I have a kid with this A-hole. But I didn't pick him to father my children, it was an accident, and if I knew then what I know now. I would have dumped him and never told him I was pregnant. I NEED TO BE FREE. HE IS MY CURSE. He is tied to me forever by MY child, that is the whole problem. It evens makes me regret having my son, because his presence in my life is just so unbearable. And then of course, I feel worse because I had those thoughts that I might be better off without my kid. My son is the best thing in my life. His father is the worst.
God help me.