Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I just binged. I went out to eat for lunch. I had Moo Goo Gai Pan. I thought it'd be relatively low-cal. I was definitely wrong. I ate an egg roll and all my rice and rice noodles too. I'd planned not to eat for the rest of the day.
I just had two huge bowls of cereal and cookie thing my boyfriend's brother made. I topped out at over 2K cals.
I'm still hungry. I don't want to stop eating. I feel like crap. My stomach is sickly full.
I'm sure I'm eating because I'm bored or bummed, but I can't tell which and I don't feel motivated to stop. Part of me says I've earned it because I did so well last week. It tells me to shrug it off. That real people don't starve themselves all the time.
But I DO want to hit my goal weight. And now I'm gonna gain this week. And I just wish that I had drank water instead. I can still taste the peanut butter puff cereal in my teeth. I desperately want another bowl. I'd have had one too, if Adam hadn't stopped me.
I hate to admit it, but I'm angry he stopped me. It makes me feel like he thinks I'm fat. I know that's not true. This is the thinnest I've been since we've been together, but it made me feel crappy that he interfered in my binging. How awful is that? I've been seeking his help for a year and he tries to help me stop doing something I'm going to regret-- but instead I'm angry with him.
I feel insecure and frustrated. I just want to eat so much that my tummy bulges and I can finally sleep.