Just things I'm reflecting on while high on allergy meds.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
I picked another fight over food with Adam last night. I dunno what's going on with me. I feel angry a lot and I just want to eat, eat, eat. I know I'm going to end up logging another gain this week. I think it will be smaller (I hope) than last week's 3 pound gain. But I'm discouraged. Plus, I feel like in being part of the 5% challenge that I'm letting my team down. I don't exactly know how points get tabulated, but I'm sure gains don't go in our favor :-( Haha.
I must admit, I love my boyfriend-- I do a great deal of comparing (which is horrible, I know-- I'm working on it) myself to his ex. They were together off-and-on for seven years. Granted, it was much of high school, and she's not exactly "brilliant" but she was definitely BEAUTIFUL. I'm talking flawless figure, flawless skin and hair that looked perfect.
I realize that he loves me. And he does a great job of affirming and complimenting about the things that really count-- like my hard work as a teacher and for my intellect and progress I make when I garden, etc. But he is NOT forthcoming in validating my appearance. I'd rather have the compliments he does proffer, but sometimes I just want to HEAR him SAY that I'm sexy. Sheesh.
Last night the argument began because I wouldn't eat when we were at a restaurant because I couldn't afford the calories. However, I still ate chips and salsa (bad choice, but cheaper). Then I came home and pulled out a piece of homemade bread my mom had made. He just laughed. I knew he was laughing at my hypocritical behavior, but I blamed him for my insecurity. He said I was on my own on that one-- that I was "riding the crazy train all by [my]self." He added a chain-pull complete with verbal "choo-choo."
We both laughed. After all, he's right. But that didn't make me less angry.
I'm sure I'm part of my overreaction can be attributed to my rapidly approaching TOM and my very low will-power which results in my feeling defeated everyday that I log more than my calorie allotment. But still. Argh.
Otherwise, I've had a really good day. I went over to my mom's house (which she keeps stocked full of sweet yummy cookies, cakes and candy). I had coffee with her and did well resisting all the food she had out. I took my own oatmeal and ate that for breakfast. I did have about a fourth of a piece of her homemade banana bread, but that was it.
Then we went grocery shopping and I bought lots of healthy fruits and veggies. I re-stocked my salad supply and got cucumbers and bell peppers to snack on. I even cut them up so they'd be ready to go when I get the snack-ish urge.
We have a dinner planned for later to celebrate Mother's Day. We're going to Macaroni Grill, which is difficult for me to resist, but I've decided to have a spinach salad with dressing on the side and a glass or two of red wine. Knowing beforehand helps me made wiser choices. I just have avoid that bread. That delicious bread. Again with the "argh."
Anyway, I guess I just needed to vent. *shrug* Thanks for listening.