I can't believe it's been 10 years!
Monday, June 08, 2009
On June 5th 10 years ago, I was graduating high school. As I pulled down my boxes from the attic to look back at the "good ol' days" I realized something...
When I was a freshman and sophomore I was free as a bird...really coming into my own with my body and mind and spirit. The pictures from those days were great! I was happy and I had such good memories. Then when I looked at pictures from my junior and senior years I noticed a big change. I got a boyfriend...I stopped socializing and I starting gaining weight. I didn't go to Grad Night or on my senior cruise. I was embarrassed about my weight and instead of going out to parties and hanging with friends I stayed at home on the weekends with my boyfriend...we went out to dinner and ate...that was it. I was unhappy but thought I was "happy" being with him. My self-esteem went down hill and my weight continued to go up.
My freshman year in college I moved to Orlando with my high school boyfriend and I hated it. While everyone was having a great time, I was scared. I didn't talk to anyone in our community apartments or at school. My weight was up to 215 pounds or so and I was wearing a size 18/20. I was miserable and we finally broke up and I moved home.
While I was home (and didn't have a boyfriend) I felt good again. I was finally finding myself and going out and the weight started coming off. I lost 25 pounds and was feeling good about myself....I enrolled in college again and got my skin care license. My pictures from those days were like my high school freshman and sophomore pics. I was smiling and with friends and happy - feel confident about myself and my body.
Then....I met my husband and the cycle started all over again. We've been married for almost 4 years and we've been together for almost 7. When we first met I was thinner and was taking care of myself...going to school again and then gym all the time. I worked full time, had my own home and was doing really well. A few years into our relationship I was right back to my junior and senior days with my high school boyfriend....I was gaining weight and none of my friends were around. I had moved in with him and although I thought I was happy with him, I wasn't being true to myself. I was doing everything for him and nothing for me. I let myself go!
I think this happens to us all in a way....sometimes we realize it and get it back and sometimes we don't. Things suffer in more ways than just our happiness and self confidence. Our marriages suffer...our children suffer because we're unhappy...our work suffers because our marriage and confidence suffer....and it all comes back to our self.
I realized this cycle a few months ago when my husband and I separated. It's called being co-dependent. While my husband was out of the house I really focused on myself. My mind and body began to change...like it had in my freshman year of college when I moved back home....but this time it was different. I wanted to learn how to be me AND be in a relationship. There had to be a happy medium...there had to be an even road...it couldn't be that I was only good when I was alone! I didn't want to be alone....I wanted my family and my husband but I wanted ME too.
It has been almost 8 weeks now that we have been back together. I feel different - I feel great! Our marriage is doing better than ever and not only am I more confident and happier, he is too. We both made changes. We stared eating better. We stared exercising together. I confided in him my fears and worries about my weight and my lack of caring for myself emotionally and with my physical appearance. We started going to church. Our friends even changed. We both realized that the people we were hanging around were not positive people. Our weekends are spent together but we also work in nights were we go out with our friends alone. I have never been able to communicate these things with him but when I finally opened up about it, he was understanding and so helpful. We've been working on things together now and we've both lost weight. We go shopping and he is supportive of me taking time to look nice. My work has changed. I was promoted last week! It just seems like things are all lining up!
Sorry...if you're reading this....it's long and I think I went in another direction than originally planned but I wanted to point out the similarities in weight loss and our personally happiness and being co-dependent. I didn't realize I was co-dependent until it was pointed out to me and until I read the book Co-Dependent No More. What an eye opener!
My 10 year reunion in coming up in 2 weeks. I'm excited to go and show my classmates where I'm at now. I'm down 30 pounds and looking better than in high school that's for sure!! I'm married to a wonderful man and although we've had our problems, we are doing great and are happier than ever!!
10 years from now I want to look at all my pictures and have good memories. I want to be confident and feel good about myself. I don't ever want to look back and remember that it was a time when I was in a funk and let myself go for years and it took a separation or divorce or break-up to get me out of it!