(insert sensational title here...)

the title was for you Dusty!! LOL...I'm such a stinker sometimes! :-)

I have been looking at my behavior and have come to the conclusion that I am allowing life to be a parade. I sit on the sidelines and watch life go by anxiously awaiting the time when I'll get to my goal weight so that I too can be in the parade...actually DOING those things I enjoy and going those places I want to go instead of just watching others...and wishing.....and thinking......someday....

I have always considered myself a strong person but when it comes to the whole weight thing I think I'm more "little girl lost" than a courageous woman. don't think for a minute that I don't find this extremely irritating. I have been blessed with meeting some amazing people here on sparkpeople. I have seen people step out of their comfort zone and face their fears, take on challenges, reach new heights, and sometimes...yes...try something only to be disappointed. Even with the disappointments I never heard anyone complain that they wished they hadn't tried. All the while I stood on the sidelines and tried to cheer them on...secretly wishing I could do the same.

I will give myself credit for joining the gym and hiring the personal trainer. It took a lot of sacrifice to make that happen and am thrilled that I have the opportunity. He made me realize not long ago that I have no idea what my capabilities are.. and that I have to trust him. What? me give up control? hmmmm Now THAT is a novel concept! Seriously though, it is true, he has "made" me do things that I never would have attempted before. Don't think for a minute that I don't have a healthy fear of trying things that I don't have the confidence that I can accomplish ...but wow what a feeling when I survive! That's right..survival is considered success...LOL .I'm not pretending that I'm perfect at everything that I'm asked to do but just getting past the fear was such a huge thing for me. After consistently attempting harder things they got easier and thus the bar was raised again. You gotta love people who can coax you out of your comfort zone. It's scary...but what a victory.

Back to the parade. I am becoming more confident at the gym and taking risks. I think it is time I take my "gym confidence and risk taking mentality" out into the world. I know realistically there are things I still cannot do because of my size. That's ok. There are plenty of things that I avoid for no other reason than fear of ridicule. I'm not really sure when I let "little girl lost" take over...but I think it is time I find a nice safe place to keep her while I join the parade. I am so much happier when I'm out and about....doing those things I love to do. Another upside is that I really don't get into much trouble nutritionally until I'm home alone. Lastly, I really do believe that if I am ridiculed...apart from being sure I will be devastated, I know there are sparkpeople who will lift me back onto my feet, soothe my wounds, and gently lead me back out into the light again.

Here I go.....I am woman...hear me roar! :-)

Peace, Love, and no parade candy for me!!!