I've Given Up All Faith
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
I wrote this blog for me, not really for anyone else... I didn't sugar-coat how I feel, so please don't take offense if you decide to read it.
It's after midnight and I've been laying in bed for over an hour trying to get to sleep. My mind keeps racing and I just need to try to get these thoughts out. I struggle with depression and sometimes it takes over. I've been doing really well since October and thought that I had rounded the corner on this illness. I successfully completed my first full-time semester at school (without being hospitalized) since my breakdown in 2005, lost some weight, was going to the gym and physical therapy and was just doing better, with everything. However; the way I feel tonight makes me quite unsure.
I have lost all faith in humanity... in people. I have a terrible history (and I know that there are millions of people with stories a million times worse, but it offers very little comfort to me at this time)... my mom is crazy and she abused me my whole life - mentally, emotionally, physically, whatever. She's been telling me since I was a small child that I'm supposed to go through terrible amounts of pain to make up for the sins of my ancestors because she sacrificed me to the Virgin Mary when I was born. This is how she explained my physical problems... I deserve it, to make peace for others. She was the worst with me for whatever reasons - my older brother had a better relationship and then disappeared as soon as he finished high school. My baby sister is over 8 years younger than me and I raised her and kept her from my mom's issues as much as possible. My dad was there, technically. He used to tell me that if he stopped my mom from abusing me than she would just turn on him, so that's why he never did anything. My whole extended family knew, but no one wanted to face my mom.
I've had very few friends in my life. I never seemed to fit in and my medical issues, raising my sister, handling my mom and supporting the family when my dad got sick didn't make my social life blossom. I always seemed to have a boyfriend/best friend though. I thought that there were people out there who were different from my mom. People who weren't going to abuse me. I don't think I can believe that anymore.
My first long term relationship was with a guy for about 4 years - through most of high school. We broke up when we went to college. Turns out that he's gay. I never had much of a problem with that, you know, like a lot of women do - as if I did something to make him that way and I have no issues with homosexuality. But now, I'm realizing that the relationship we had was all a lie.
My next long term relationship was pretty laid back. We broke up when I moved up to Boston... because it "made sense".
After that... I dated this guy for about a year. I was drowning in depression, work and school although I didn't know I was about to crash. I was suspicious that this guy was cheating on me. Ohhh.... how I was wrong. Turned out that he was cheating on his wife with me! He had a whole family and everything that I knew nothing about. I was also helping him out financially just to add insult to injury.
The most recent relationship I was in was with my soon-to-be-ex-husband of almost 4 years. It has been nearly unbearable for about 3 1/2 years out of the 4. He's been abusive on occasion - but, after 3 years, I was finally able to come to terms that he's a compulsive liar. I mean this in all seriousness - clinically a pathological liar. He's cheated several times, hasn't paid a bill in years (mind you I live on disability) and I don't know if a single word he ever said was the truth... from where he went to high school, to how he cheated, to if he loved me... nothing. I don't know where he works, if he works, where he lives, what he does, where he's from, literally NOTHING.
We separated in January and I'm trying to get him to court to speed up the contested divorce papers I filed in May. On top of that, I had the 2 operations this summer and am still dealing with loads of pain in my ankle - alone, completely and utterly alone.
But what really got me - it's always the small thing that breaks the camel's back - is that the guy I dated and had a laid back relationship with, well we've stayed friends. I thought we were just really good friends... it's been about 6 years since we dated. I've lost every friend I had except for him because of my depression and hospitalizations and haven't made any new ones since my breakdown. He's probably the one person I actually talk to. So, I found out that he had a 3 year relationship with a woman and he lied to me about the whole thing. I talked to him frequently at very least once a week and he never mentioned her, or a girlfriend or anything in regards to her, doing things with her, going places... nothing. There was no reason... we weren't together and we're very cool about that now... just lies, albeit lies of omission, but lies nevertheless.
I literally do not have a single friend or person to call and talk to right now or ever. I've been trying to convince myself that I need to go to these social things and try to meet people, but I don't even think I want to anymore. I used to believe that there were good people in the world, but I don't know anymore. I don't think I can handle meeting another person like all the other ones. I don't think I can handle one more lie. My heart has been broken, not just by men/boyfriends, but by family and friends who bailed when I got sick.
I was trying so hard to convince myself that my life could get better and that's what has made all the difference in the past 10 or so months... I just don't know if I can believe it any longer. What's life when you don't have a single person to talk to and when you don't even believe that good people will come into your life or even exist anymore. And my therapist says that it's because abusive relationships are what I'm used to; therefore, I subconsciously look for them. This doesn't comfort me either, because then that means that it is my fault and that there are good people out there, but I won't ever find them. God, I know this sounds wicked depressing - I just wish that I didn't believe it.
I'm tired and I hope that I can maybe get some peaceful sleep now.