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Even being thin won't make them love me

Friday, September 11, 2009

September 11, 2009
I've actually managed to become too focused. I was up half of the night unable to sleep because I was literally thinking about dieting. How many calories have I averaged this week? How many days till my next weigh in? How many calories did I burn? Should I add another trip to the gym? When will I notice results? What can I throw away so I don't eat it in a moment of weakness?

Between physical therapy and the gym, I spent over 4 hours working out yesterday. However, I spent hours arguing with myself that I didn't need to go today - mind you I haven't been out of my cast for a month yet. Don't worry, I'm far from anorexic or exercise addicted... I know how to eat healthy. It's more of an overall personality flaw. If you have read some of my other blogs, you may already know that I've had a rough history with abusive relationships. The bottom line is that the people who were "supposed" to love me were the ones who abused me. I truly believe the only thing worse than someone repeatedly abusing you is the person who's abusing you telling you that they love you while they do it.

I was supposed to grow up and get away from them. I moved 1700 miles away, just to start over. But I never got away. Somehow, someway I attract these types into my life. And the thing that stuck with me is the never-ending battle to become good enough to love. I try so hard and it never works. I realize that they may be the wrong people (and my therapist reminds me that it's my fault for having them in my life), but nevertheless, I still am really, really trying. I'm so hard on myself for everything... the way I talk, how clean the house is, what my grades are, and, yes, what I look like and how fat I am.

I started out this journey just trying to get healthy. But that drill sergeant in my head has taken over. I don't want to lose weight as one of the many things I do trying to be good enough. THEY ARE NEVER GOING TO LOVE ME - NO MATTER WHAT I DO - NO MATTER HOW CLOSE TO PERFECT I BECOME OR TRY TO BE. I could have a perfect house, be valedictorian, volunteer for every cause, make six figures and be thin and beautiful and it will never equate to being loved. I'm not telling you that, I'm trying to tell myself that.

I know the best way to be loved is to love yourself, but I don't and I don't even know how. It's not that I have low self esteem - I have none. I've never had someone love me for just me, so I don't know how to do it for myself. People see the things that I do and think that it's good, but they don't realize that I'm doing it for ALL the WRONG reasons. I'm intelligent enough to logically know that if people don't treat you right - then it's their fault and it's your responsibility to kick them to the curb. I don't know why emotionally it equates to me needing to try harder.

My ex (who I'm trying to divorce) just left my house and I'm a mess. I tell him to look me in the eyes and tell me why he did such horrible things to me (lying, cheating, physical, emotional and mental abuse). I know he's not going to change, but I want to know WHY he thinks that I DESERVE to be treated like so horribly. He responded by saying that he treated me good. I want to have nothing to do with him, but we're still tied to each other in certain ways that I can't change right now. I have as little to do with him as possible, but it's still destroying me.

I don't want to get healthy for "them", I don't want to do well in school, or cook, or clean, or work, or sacrifice for "them". I want to do it for ME!! I'm so tired of trying so hard, of taking all the blame and being treated so badly.

Someone please tell me how do I become a me that I love?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    It is as simple and as complicated as loving ourselves..and WE are worth it!
    4151 days ago
    I divorced an abusive man after 23 years of marriage. I actually left him for the sake and safety of my children first and me second. He had totally put me down every time I tried to do anything he didn't want me to do. He was very disrespectful and my children learned some of that from him and I still feel not respected by them to this day and that divorce was over 20 years ago. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to remind me that I won't be criticized for trying something new or even thinking something he wouldn't approve of. I hope your PTSD from the abuse is short lived, but I do feel much improved in my life since divorcing him and often said my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.
    4152 days ago
    When I read this my first instinct was to provide empathy. But I don't think that's as helpful as providing some positive feedback. I don't know you but from your post you sound like an intelligent and sensitive person. I can also tell that you care about yourself deeply, or else why would you be using this site to improve your life and health? If you care about yourself that much, I think you love yourself too. You may not see it yet, but keep trying and I know you'll get there! Think about this: if you didn't love yourself and prize yourself above others, wouldn't you still be trying to get back with your ex? But you're not. You're getting away from him as much as possible. That shows a great deal of backbone and courage. Change is difficult, but keep changing in gradual ways and you'll see some amazing results. Good luck!
    4152 days ago
    I have just finished reading several of your latest blogs. First of all,I was amazed at all you accomplished growing up under such negative circumstances. I wish you could see just how special you are. Try not to let yourself be defined by others, especially your soon to be ex. I have a good friend who is loving, thoughtful, generous, a great personality. But her ex always put her down about everything from her weight to her teeth to her cooking--you name it. She has been divorced for years now but still has to fight to remind herself that she is worthy. Kerry, you are not alone and you ARE worthy!! You have many SP buddies who are here for you. And as DUTCHONEY said "Love yourself".
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    4152 days ago
    I was excited when I got the message that you had a new blog, then I read it and don't know what to do. I want to tell you all the right answers, but I sure don't know what the answers are, sometimes I don't even know the questions, LOL

    Seriously though, I'm probably not the one to give answers here, I find humor in everything and that is probably a coping method for something that I'm hiding just like you. In my mind I know how to tell you that you should love yourself, but yet, I can't tell you how to do it either. Maybe, that is my problem too, that I don't love myself. You struck a nerve here. I thought I knew how to love, loving others is easy, but loving yourself might be a more in depth question that even I, haven't figured out.

    I'll work on this and get back with you.

    Have a great weekend, don't stay up waiting for Uncle Tony's revelation, cause I'll probably forget what I'm supposed to be working on. See, there goes that silly humor again.

    Take care,
    We love you
    and care about you VERY much
    4152 days ago
    Please love yourself...you ARE worth it!
    4152 days ago
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