Even being thin won't make them love me
Friday, September 11, 2009
September 11, 2009
I've actually managed to become too focused. I was up half of the night unable to sleep because I was literally thinking about dieting. How many calories have I averaged this week? How many days till my next weigh in? How many calories did I burn? Should I add another trip to the gym? When will I notice results? What can I throw away so I don't eat it in a moment of weakness?
Between physical therapy and the gym, I spent over 4 hours working out yesterday. However, I spent hours arguing with myself that I didn't need to go today - mind you I haven't been out of my cast for a month yet. Don't worry, I'm far from anorexic or exercise addicted... I know how to eat healthy. It's more of an overall personality flaw. If you have read some of my other blogs, you may already know that I've had a rough history with abusive relationships. The bottom line is that the people who were "supposed" to love me were the ones who abused me. I truly believe the only thing worse than someone repeatedly abusing you is the person who's abusing you telling you that they love you while they do it.
I was supposed to grow up and get away from them. I moved 1700 miles away, just to start over. But I never got away. Somehow, someway I attract these types into my life. And the thing that stuck with me is the never-ending battle to become good enough to love. I try so hard and it never works. I realize that they may be the wrong people (and my therapist reminds me that it's my fault for having them in my life), but nevertheless, I still am really, really trying. I'm so hard on myself for everything... the way I talk, how clean the house is, what my grades are, and, yes, what I look like and how fat I am.
I started out this journey just trying to get healthy. But that drill sergeant in my head has taken over. I don't want to lose weight as one of the many things I do trying to be good enough. THEY ARE NEVER GOING TO LOVE ME - NO MATTER WHAT I DO - NO MATTER HOW CLOSE TO PERFECT I BECOME OR TRY TO BE. I could have a perfect house, be valedictorian, volunteer for every cause, make six figures and be thin and beautiful and it will never equate to being loved. I'm not telling you that, I'm trying to tell myself that.
I know the best way to be loved is to love yourself, but I don't and I don't even know how. It's not that I have low self esteem - I have none. I've never had someone love me for just me, so I don't know how to do it for myself. People see the things that I do and think that it's good, but they don't realize that I'm doing it for ALL the WRONG reasons. I'm intelligent enough to logically know that if people don't treat you right - then it's their fault and it's your responsibility to kick them to the curb. I don't know why emotionally it equates to me needing to try harder.
My ex (who I'm trying to divorce) just left my house and I'm a mess. I tell him to look me in the eyes and tell me why he did such horrible things to me (lying, cheating, physical, emotional and mental abuse). I know he's not going to change, but I want to know WHY he thinks that I DESERVE to be treated like so horribly. He responded by saying that he treated me good. I want to have nothing to do with him, but we're still tied to each other in certain ways that I can't change right now. I have as little to do with him as possible, but it's still destroying me.
I don't want to get healthy for "them", I don't want to do well in school, or cook, or clean, or work, or sacrifice for "them". I want to do it for ME!! I'm so tired of trying so hard, of taking all the blame and being treated so badly.
Someone please tell me how do I become a me that I love?