Not sure why but have been really thinking a lot about the fact that I am all alone in this world. Sure I have a daughter whom I adore. I also am married. Although that is NOT going as well as I would like. Anyway, pretty much throughout my whole life I have been Outgoing and Bubbly. I seem to have no problem putting myself "out there" to make friendships. For one reason or another WHICH I HAVE YET 2 DISCOVER, I never make any lasting connections.
Highschool was pretty much hell. Yes I had friends and a group I hung around with, but I also had a lot of people who JUST HATED ME. I did absolutely nothing wrong, in fact I remember trying to be their friends and them Leaving Me Out and Refusing to be my friend. My Mother would tell me "Oh they are just jealous". What the hell did they have to be jealous of? I was not rich. I was not beautiful. (in fact, I did not grow into my looks until my 20's)Yes it was highschool and that is how SOME kids are. In fact, I recently ran across a girl who made my life HELL in highschool on Facebook. She apologized and said "we were silly kids". Of course I am over it, but as clear as it was the day I was REJECTED, still today it is just as clear.
Once I got on my own I tried to make friendships at work, which is usually where they are formed. That was a no go for me too. I often found that the moment I walked into a room and said "Hello", I was DISLIKED. I would see my new co workers looking me up and down as if I were under a microscope. As I have said in earlier blogs, I have always been the type to make CERTAIN that when I walk out the door I look as if I spent the day at the Beauty Salon. My hair was always put together, my nails, makeup, outfit and SHOES. Shoes have always been one of my most valued ACCESSORIES. They also seem to be a source of Women's Hatred toward me. Most of the people I would meet at work were female and would REFUSE to be my friend or to even be nice to me from the moment I met them. More often than not the way it would start is with me showing up for a first day of work, dressed neatly and color coordinating. My heels generally matched my blouse or dress. I would agree with the statement that Melba Marcus and I have similar Adorations for shoes. Hers are much better quality but the love is still there.
Don't get me wrong, it isn't as if I have NEVER had any friendships. I have. I even had a roommate who I had worked with and she moved in with me, since she was always at my house anyway. We had a few other friends we hung out with. We were a pretty close bunch going to the pool day after day. Then one day POOF all gone, my roommate and I got into a disagreement and she moved out. Then I had NO FRIENDS no one would talk to me from our circle.
I wrack my brain over and over trying to determine what if anything I have done wrong for PERSON after PERSON to seemingly wish me dead upon my smiling and saying hello to them. So far, all I can come up with is that I am hated for my shoes. I would often hear women talking about me. They would say things like "Who DOES she THINK she is with those PURPLE heels?". Of course I would be crushed when I heard this. Never did I let them know that it was hurtful. Instead, I would act as if I had not over heard them. I would be asked questions like "Oh don't your feet hurt?" To which I would reply no but thanks for asking. I am not really sure what else I could say to that without starting an all out war.
In recent years I have even taken drastic measures (now in my 40's) and this is STILL happening to me.I have cut my hair so women would stop asking me how long it takes for me to do my hair. I have minimized my makeup because women would constantly make comments about my eyeliner. They would try to make it seem like they were interested and would ask me exactly how I make my eyeliner come out on the side to make my eyes appear cat-like
(Very 80's I know!)
I have even stopped wearing the colorful high heels I adore. I have a pair in every color of the rainbow. Anyway, it really really sucks especially since even though I have given up being who I am, I am STILL NOT LIKED!
5 years ago., I became a Realtor. I worked INCREDIBLY hard to do so. I am not at all good at math or directions. Rather, I am a pretty good salesperson and can easily build rapport with clients.
From the moment I did, I made CERTAIN that I was always dressed professionally. Not once was my cleavage hanging out, (although all the other Realtors were)nor did I wear a slit in my skirt too high. In fact, I was told by SEVERAL bosses that I was NOT LIKED nor would I be able to sell Real Estate to clients due to my nails. My nails! Oh yeah I forgot to mention them. They are the other source of constant BELITTLING! They are not real long, they are always professionally manicured and airbrushed. I almost always have some sort of design on them. The public often stop me to tell me how BEAUTIFUL my nails are and where do I get them done, but any job I have ever had has RIDICULED me for them.
Upsetting because they too are a source of pride for me. They make me feel pretty. In case you haven't figured it out by now. I am NOT conceited
(far from it) but I do enjoy being glamorous. I enjoy being as my hubby affectionately calls me "A HIGH MAINTENANCE LADY".
Why don't I make any lasting connections with people?? As I said I have had some friendships but for one reason or another it seems to just VANISH. This is particularly true if I move, then all of a sudden the women that were part of my daily life no longer are. I try to keep in touch by calling and emailing but they stop contacting me. My feelings get hurt, and I get embarrassed because it seems as if I am the only one doing the work in the relationship by trying to keep the bond going.