Late Night Life Reflection
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Hmmm, I'm having a particularly challenging few weeks after doing a "decent" job over the past 2 years. My weight loss has been incredibly slow, with a 20 pound gain in the middle of it, now lost, thank goodness. But now it's all but stopped, and at a time when it should be easiest.
I'm not sure what this is all about. This is a really challenging time in my life. I believe, for me, I need to have the presence of 4 areas in my life: work, love, home, and play. I made a big change a year ago, moving from the other side of the world back to the US and leaving lots of friends, a good job, and travel opportunities galore. This year hasn't been terrible, just different than what I expected. I elected to take a no pay job for a year....sort of a "give back to my community" project. My plan was to look for a job with a professional salary and go from there but because I decided I don't want to move again so soon, I've elected to stay another year at a salary. But it's not the most fulfilling job and not the greatest salary for my education and experience. And because I came in and made changes, I'm not the most popular person there. So I feel pretty isolated and that can be hard. And while I've never felt I needed to have a perfect balance of those aforementioned 4 areas, I feel severely lacking in most of them right now.
I'm single and do not have children, so work has always been important to me and I generally feel I'm confident and competent at what I do. But I haven't felt much of that this year in the work category. Love? Yes, I have family love and friend love, but no romantic love at the moment. I haven't had one single date this year and that's been hard. I'm not looking for marriage, but I sure would like to have a partner. Can't help but think my weight and current lack of confidence probably has a lot to do with that. Home...I'm living in a 71 y/o house provided by my agency. I live very near a busy downtown and recently discovered to my absolute horror that I have a rat in the house. It made me want to move immediately....really, that was my solution, to move. But of course I can't due to commitments and finances. And if was going to move, it might as well be to a job I love. Friends who have lived here lifelong have little empathy..."you can't live in the city and not have rats in an old house". I don't like that answer and don't even like being home now, whereas previously when I lived in ignorant bliss, I loved being at home. Play...I do get out to dinner and ballets (often alone) and museums with friends, so play is probably OK. I just need to buff up the other areas.
I'm suspicious that all of these tumbling out feelings may have to do with the fact that I turned 50 last month. But honestly, I don't think I mind being 50. I think it's more that this is not where I thought I'd be at 50, although where that was is a mystery to me.
Thank goodness for SparkPeople and all the incredible support from my Lifer Team. What a blessing that Karon came upon me and invited me into their world...