*****written on December 10th 2009*****
The journey to meeting weight loss goals is filled with many ups and downs; and I’m not just talking about the numbers on the scale. He emotional ups and downs you are filled with are nothing short of a 4g roller coaster.
Growing up I never cared that I was fat. I was comfortable in my skin and didn’t care what other people thought of what I looked like. September of 2008 I started caring about what I thought of me. I wasn’t happy with myself anymore. I tried to understand what I needed to do to eat better by joining spark people. I wasn’t really fully committed and I felt really overwhelmed trying to do exercise and eat well. So, I took small steps. I left spark people alone and just was trying to pay attention to what I was eating. My husband found a book called “eat this not that”. It was really helpful in making me realize that I didn’t have to eat dressing-less salads. I could just substitute the things that I was already eating to something better. The alternatives still weren’t what you would consider “healthy” but they were better than the other stuff I had been eating. And to me, that was the point. The book helps you get started on a healthier track. Just from following the ideas in that book, I went from 283 in October 2008 to 263 in January 2009. Eating healthier was only a start.
In January 2009 I, like many other people, made my new years resolution “to lose weight”. I did really well with it too. I went from 263 pounds in January, down to 231 pounds in April/May. I developed a love for riding a bicycle and eating healthy. When I did eat out, I would notice how salty and fatty everything tasted. I could actually feel my heart working harder when I ate greasy foods. It’s strange how your body adapts to all the grease and salt. I guess it’s just the same way with people and spicy hot foods. If you eat it often, your taste buds adapt and you have to have more of the spiciness in order o get the same effect you did when you first began eating it. Anyway, those foods that put a strain on my hear used to be the foods that I ate all the time; double cheese burgers and fries from McDonalds, anything fried, pop, breadsticks from olive garden, pizza… just to name a few. It was just amazing that I went from craving those things, to craving healthy foods. I’m not saying that I never craved a Micky D’s double cheese burger, because I did. One say I was thinking about it so much that I had to have one. I drove there, bought a juicy burger and sunk my teeth into the meaty goodness. Boy was I surprised to find out that there was no meaty goodness at all. Nor was there cheesy greatness or an explosion of flavor in my mouth like I had been imagining. Instead, my mouth was filled with grease, salt, pepper and a foul fatty after taste. The fries were too salty to even have a second taste and the pop was so unpleasantly sweet that I dumped it out and replaced it with water instead. I hadn’t realized until that point that my craving was not for the salt or fat like we are made to believe. Nope, the craving was for the memory of how those foods made me feel and what I thought those things tasted like. I couldn’t believe that I actually used to enjoy those types of things. Of course, when they start you out as a small child eating salty and fatty foods, you get used to them and don’t notice how flavorless they actually are.
Anyway, all was going fine until May when I found out that we were being kicked out of our place ad business wasn’t doing too good at all. I’m not going to go into details because I already have done that in my previous blogs. It was just a series of unfortunate events that I shouldn’t have let knock me off track, but I did. I had built up enough self control that I could have at least maintained my weight, but I made one mistake; I stopped caring. I had all the support of fellow sparkers, but I guess when someone really doesn’t want to change, all the support in the world does nothing. I have always put my all into everything I have ever done. “Anything worth doing is worth doing well” is a quote that I have followed me entire life without even realizing it. And at that point, weight loss was not something that I was giving my all to.
So, I gave up. And, soon I found that “lost and found” box that all my lost weight had been stored in, and I found it back on my body and face. I stopped eating healthy and I ate sweets all the time and it showed terribly. I haven’t been happy about it by any means. It doesn’t feel good to look at yourself in the mirror (which I try to avoid again, by the way) and see an image that you were so proud to have previously gotten rid of. There is now, no evidence of all my hard work bicycling nor of my success of eating right for all those months. The end of November 2009 I weighed in at 275 pounds. A full 12 pounds heavier than when I started at the beginning of 2009.
Back in August I had a really motivating conversation with my good friend Christina B on the phone and decided that I was ready to come back. However, I guess I wasn’t, because my time back was short lived. It was so easy to give up on myself again. Thinking back, I know why I failed though; I made it too hard on myself. I didn’t start my weight loss journey by loving exercise and riding 25 miles in 2 or 3 hours a day. I started with 2 miles in 2 hours and it absolutely killed me. I knew it was something I had to work at though because I felt that at 263 pounds, it was a better option than the higher impact exercise of walking. And, to be quite honest, I could sit on my ass and exercise. And just look what it turned into. I had a real passion for riding. Then, when I felt like I was ready back in August , I got on my bicycle and tried t rekindle my lost love and was terribly disappointed. The path that is by my house now is a lot shorter than the beautiful one I had in Tulsa. The new path has many hills and the fact that it was so much shorter (only 2 miles) made the ride seem to last longer, and not be as much fun because about the time I really got into it, I had to turn around and ride the path the other direction. I rode 7 miles that day and was really disappointed with myself. Now that I think back about it, I shouldn’t have been. Riding 7 miles after a 4 month break is pretty dang good. It was a lot less than what I was doing before, but it was great compared to the 2 miles I did when I first started. So, I am going to start again this time, but, I am going to go about it a different way; the spark way.
I am setting small goals that will help me get back into my routine while working towards my long term goals.
The first goal is to finish what I started and for the first time ever, complete my new years resolution; losing weight.
Goal #1- Get below 263 pounds by January 1st 2010.
Goal #2- Call or visit my mom and grandma at least once a week.
Goal #3- Drink 8 glasses of water or tea a day.
Goal #4- Move it! Get at least 10 minutes of exercise a day.
Goal #5- Don’t forget about nigh brushing! Brush teeth twice a day, once in the morning and once and night. (Don’t think I’m gross people, I do brush my teeth daily, just not twice a day!)
Goal #6- Keep up with a household budget of all income
Goal #7- Track all of my food I eat!
Now that I look back at my list, some of them seem more like rules, but, I don’t currently do any of them, so they are things I am working towards.
So, there it is. Those are my short term fast break goals I have set for myself. Now, I just have to put them into play.
Oh yea, I now have red hair and a new hair cut that I have been sporting since August!