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Breaking free from the past

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Well the journey continues as I work to get back on track from a major train wreck that is my life. I weighed today and the scales revealed almost sixty pounds more than I was the middle of August when yet again the wheels ran off the wagon. I know as much or more than any dietician or nutritionist in the field I dare say yet in spite of all this knowledge I still find myself abusing food and not knowing how to stop the painful cycle that is destroying me. I fight and do well and then sooner or later it all blows up and I end up months later crying as I realize I have blew it once again.
I know without a doubt it is the psychological side of the fight I am losing as the boy that was so so wronged as a child cries out for what he missed in childhood and I want so badly to drag him out and love him and fix him for both our sakes yet as he screams and cries I end up eating more and more trying to bury the pain and the cries deeper within and each time the binge is over, which at times is not until I am physically sick and I cry not again yet when the cries yell out again I find myself buried in the comfort of food yet again muffling the cries of a boy that wants to know why to so many questions. Oh so many complex questions that I find at the roots of the prison walls of fat the imprison me so tightly with such a hold they are taking my very life each day. I ask oh I beg someone tell me is junk food really the preferred prescription for a boy that loses his dad at the age of almost 7 and did the little boy lose his dad then or did truthfully alcohol take his dad long before the officer brought the news of death that cold March day.
So many questions and no real answers. I ask myself why was nothing I ever did really good enough to have praise when I was young and raised by Mom and her new choice for my dad. I know that little boy got punished horrible for most everything and was whipped and tormented for wetting beds or sneaking that sweet snack that had become his new best friend, but was I really that bad kid or was I just unfortunate and unjustly punished as I keep telling myself. Oh I say I have forgiven my parents who are now both feeble and living in my care as I work to do my best making sure they are taken care of and I have prayed and forgiven them, but have yet to move forward far enough that I don't slip right back in the pits and have to crawl out again.
Oh the questions how they linger as I tell myself and others how I have learned to love myself, but have I truly learned to love myself for if I did would I keep poisoning me with the overdose of food until I am one day yet another on a growing list of people who has lost the battle and died from severe morbid obesity. You cry for help and they give you a calorie counter and preach portion control and self will, but who has the sermon and when will it be preached on how to overcome the demons within that we fight so hard to silence with food because we know of no other way to deal with all the pains that haunt us.
I know this is just rambling, but trust me the pain is real and the request for prayers is real as I pray to the heavenly father for the answers I so desperately seek and the strength to keep fighting as I try so hard to break through from this prison of fat that holds me so with such a tight grip it is sucking the life from me a little more each day.
I am moving forward as it is a new year and hopefully this will be the year I can find some answers and move a few steps forward without moving back twice that many.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Clearly you need to work out some of your issues...have you considered counselling of some sort? Maybe someone impartial could help you gain perspective on your past. I do not know if this is possible where you live, but it sounds like you need some help.
    Children are children, and there is no good answer to why people abuse them, except that some adults are messed up. There will never be a satisfactory answer to that question, so why look? There was nothing about you that called for you to be whipped or tormented, there was no way to avoid it, and trying to understand it when it really is incomprehensible is just wasting your life.
    You are kind in a way that I can't understand to care for people that abused you. Feel good about that - you have risen above and are a better person than they were.
    You are a man now, and not a boy. The past is over and cannot be changed. Do you want to spend your life grieving for your dad? Is that what your life is going to be about? Do you really want to spend your manhood on constant thoughts of grief and thoughts of why you were not praised?
    Why not set about making the most of what you have now? Why not praise yourself and be proud of yourself for what you are today, and what you are going to become? If others don't want to praise you now, they can suck eggs. Things can change for you. It takes guts to start this journey and blog with honesty, so good for you. I wish you all the best. If you do not like any of what I have said, that is okay - you can tell me to suck eggs too! I just wanted to give you a different point of view to consider.
    4021 days ago
    Even though we "forgive" our tormentors or abusive parents (in my case my mother) we can never forget the pain and anguish that the child inside us went through. I too found "love" through food and it didn't help that my dad's side of the family had an issue with morbid obesity already. When I am upset or down and want to feel good I used to reach for food, and I do still sometimes, but I have learned to eat healthy foods and eat in moderation. That has made a big difference for me and is what got me through the stressful year I had last year.

    We have to learn to love ourselves enough that we choose not destroy ourselves. That is possible with God in our lives and knowing that we have His love eternally.

    God bless you Rick and my prayers are with you!


    4044 days ago
    Rick, please know that you are touching so many people here on sparkpeople. We do love you Rick, we do pray for you and we believe in you. Please believe in yourself. YOU HAVE GOT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN DO THIS!! It is not easy for any of us Rick, we all fail at one time or another; but YOU HAVE GOT TO KEEP GOING AT IT. Stay connected to Spark.

    NO JUDGING HERE! The past is the past.
    If I could take away the pain, I would. I'm praying your daily strength, my friend.
    Nancy emoticon
    4068 days ago
    emoticon Rick. I honestly do not have the words to make your past or present pain go away. My heart goes out to and I wish I had those magic words but at this point all I can offer is emoticon and emoticon .

    I will say it is so good to see you posting again. I hope this is the start of your road to recovery. emoticon emoticon
    4069 days ago
    Dearest Rick, I read your blog this morning and my heart goes out to you as I feel some of the pain and struggles you are going through. I don't have the answer for you, in fact my first thought was that I don't feel I know enough about this journey we are on to qualify to answer, but what I can do is reply as a friend to let you know I'm at the very least offering a bit of support and encouragement.

    You said it so well in your first paragraph of your blog. "I know as much or more than any dietician or nutritionist in the field I dare say yet in spite of all this knowledge I still find myself abusing food and not knowing how to stop the painful cycle that is destroying me.". In fact just after Christmas, my DH had a doctor's appointment to find out the results of his tests and everything was up including his cholesterol. The doctor proceed to ask him, if he knew what to eat to help bring it down. DH told him, "I think everyone knows what to eat, its making the choices that's the hard part." This is coming from a man who has never even picked up a weight loss book and has had a fairly rough past. Anyway, he did say that they both chuckled about it, but in all seriousness we do know and that's why this weight loss journey is much more then counting calories or eating just the right thing. You can almost say it is what your heading says "Breaking free from the past".

    By reading your blog, what I see is that you ARE working at breaking free from your past. Your here. You're willing to continue on this journey and the answers will come to you. I think part of it is recognizing it and giving yourself the answers to the "why". I know easier said than done. Often I ask myself why am I making this journey so hard, I wouldn't treat others as I have myself. It's almost like we're of the mindset that we're not worthy. Or that we're self medicating by eating off plan. The mind can be a very strong negative force if you let it be. No two people's pasts are the same but we all have feelings and different ways of coping. For myself I've had to acknowledge what has brought me here in the first place and know that whatever was done or not done -I've acknowledged it, forgave it and I want to leave it there...I want to move forward. For me it was that they did the best they knew how at the time. If they knew better, they would have done better. For others it may been an illness they were dealing with and in turn, a person like yourself may be dealing with the hurt and abandonment you had happen in your past. Again, I don't know the answers, so please don't take what I say to heart, it's just things to think about.

    Absolutely no one is perfect. And this road has many bumps in it, per say. I don't know if your reading "The Spark" yet, but I did get some additional things out of this program by reading it. It explains things in more detail and I'm hoping that it will keep me more on track this year, as I work the steps in it. I'm making it my job to make this year a healthy one. You probably read the blogs and forums, even that I don't post often...I do get allot of strength from them.

    Anyway, now I'm just babbling....you can do it, believe in yourself and most of all LOVE yourself.

    4069 days ago
    You are loved dear Rick and you have hit the nail on the head in so many ways. Those who have massive amounts of weight to lose have those demons, otherwise we wouldn't be where we are. My prayers are with you as is my hug and loving friendship.
    4069 days ago
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