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Losing my steam...

Monday, January 11, 2010

Ok...so this is the pattern and story of my fitness routines. Parts of me want to lose weight so bad, while part of me just refuses. It is a constant emotional battle. Parts of me would like to one day be attractive, while other parts of me find safety in not being attractive. If you've ever been raped, you might understand. I've went to the gym twice today. Went before work this morning, and actually just returned home from my second visit. I was going stir crazy with thoughts in my head and had to get out of my house. It was either eat or workout. I have a gym in my house, but I needed to go out, so I went to the gym. I rode 7.2 miles on the stationary bike in 20 minutes...sweat was pouring out of every orifice, and I just couldn't figure out why I was on that bike...why was I at the gym? What is the point? This is pitiful.....

The sad part is, tomorrow morning, I will be at the gym still asking myself all those same questions. Tomorrow night during the 90 minute fitness bootcamp session, I will still be wondering. But since I have already paid for the bootcamp sessions, I will see it through to the end (3 weeks left)....maybe by then I'll have this figured out and settled.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sorry I see you are in a self defense course keep it up !!
    3975 days ago
    I have been raped and I do understand , you think "if I stay large then everyone ( even rapists ) will ignore me" .
    But if you do that then that bastard wins !
    He took your past honey dont let him consume your future .
    Take your life back !!
    have you ever taken a self defense course ?
    It's great exercise , and it could help you get past some of those issues .
    Personally I take ALOT of aggression out on my wii when I am boxing , it's so freeing .
    You can do this
    I will keep you in my prayers !!!
    3975 days ago
    Thanks all for your support and encouragement...I really appreciate it :) Just tough to swallow right now.
    3975 days ago
    I haven't been raped, but I understand. I have had issues of abuse that I am not ready to discuss openly, however. There is great protection, mentally, in having a fluffly exterior. No matter how hard one exercises, I don't think this protective thought will ever dissipate. Just be sure to be good o urself, to ur body.
    3975 days ago
    I can understand your ambivalence on a deep level. I had to face the anxiety of being attractive again, and still am. All I can say is that you're on the right path knowing, and admitting that this is an issue for you. You need to work through this pain, because that is exactly what the fat has buried for you, in order to be able to give up the armor of the fat.

    You can, and need to, find a different kind of armor-- for me it was self assertiveness, some self-defense courses and reminding myself that by remaining fat I continued to give power in my present life to those people in the past who had hurt me. That pissed me off so much it changed my whole perspective. They might have hurt me then and I couldn't stop it, but I darn well will NOT allow them to continue to have power over my life now.

    Find the way to take back your power and this will get easier.
    3975 days ago
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    You are working out because you deserve it! You are so worth all the effort & sweat it takes for a healthy body and lifestyle. So don't give up! I know you can do it-just take it one day at a time. I wish you much success with your weight loss journey. Good luck! Kim
    3975 days ago
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