So, how does one say hello to those two words? Does this become the big pink elephant in the middle of the living room or do I shine the brightest light on it that I can? At the moment, I am researching this devilish disease on the computer, while I listen to my mom banging around in her room. I am positive she is showing me how quickly she can dismantle, box up, and give away most of her belongings. Not wanting to be a burden and simplifying life, if I were to ask her. Being busy, distracted, and practical. My cousin, Trish (I love her), says that I am not to surf the net trying to find out information, until I know what the heck we are looking at and talk to the oncologist. I didn’t listen and now just want to throw up. Practicing for days to come I would say.
My mom has that big name up at the top of this. It sounds bad without even researching it. Mestastic…not good and probably means it came from some place else besides the lung where we found it. Carcinoma…well we all know what that is. Shoot.
I always thought my mom was going to live a really, really long time. She would be that little old lady that just kept on going. And she would definitely live longer than her parents did, the ones who survived the Depression, no health insurance, and bad diet. Silly me, what WAS I thinking? She turns 78 in March. Barely there in my mind, but maybe not in the big scheme of things.
Mom and I live together and will survive this together. I feel like this is going to be the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Besides divorce, besides losing my dad to brain cancer, besides, besides, besides. All my family lives far away, but I know if I called and said, “I need you, now,” they would come running. I have great, great friends who I know will be right there for me. These are the types of friends that walk in when everybody else is walking out. These are the best.
Sparky friends, I am going to need you. Maybe this is really the reason I found this website, although the 75 pounds was not a bad thing. I’ve tried so hard to be positive and upbeat throughout my time on the site. But now I have to be positive and upbeat and sad and scared and mad and regretful. It is so overwhelming and so human. I’ve learned over the years that ignoring those four emotions is the ticket to stress and hopelessness. Those are the emotions that need a bright, bright light shone on them daily. So I am counting on my Sparky friends to be there with me through this. Even when I am not being so positive and motivating.
What a birthday this turned out to be…but at least mom is feeling good now, when we need to make some tough, tough decisions. And she has awesome health and long-term care insurance. I have a great support system and know deep down I have the strength to see this through. I never know how much I can do, until I’m pushed to the brink. Well here goes!
May I please ask for some hugs from my sparky friends today? I’m in need.