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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

So, I had a revelation last night...

I'm so stressed out and under so much pressure, from others and from myself, there's no wonder I've been gaining weight instead of losing it. Hell, I'd even go so far as to say its possible I'm depressed.

I'm only 4 months away from graduating with my first Bachelor's Degree. In theatre, with limited experience in lighting design, which is what I'd love to do with my career. I'll be done with that in June. In August I plan on going back to community college to study nutrition. I hope it doesn't take me forever. Its really only something I want to do for myself. I wouldn't even get a degree in it, just a certificate of achievement. And then there's the issue of finding a job. I'm not sure what I can do with what I've gotten so far in regards to theatre. I just have no idea, really. So, I'll probably have to settle for something that has nothing to do with my chosen career path until after I get a Master's Degree... whenever I decide to do that.

Then there's my personal life. Someone whom I love very much, and would love to spend my life with, told me last night that I am selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed, and apparently not very intelligent when it comes to being in/nurturing a relationship. Somewhere in the same conversation, it came up that I should probably consider not having children because I'm "emotionally frail" or something to that effect. For the last month or so, this is has been the nature of the conversations we've had. Part of me knows I need to let him go, that there's NO WAY this is healthy... but, its hard to let go of someone whom I've "been with" for 6 years. I've imagined this person as THE person I'd be growing old with, having children (apparently not), traveling... basically sharing my life, turning my life and his life into "our" life.

He'd like it if I was much thinner as well. I want to be much thinner. I don't feel healthy. I'm tired all of the time. I have little motivation to do much of anything, including exercise. I manage to eat healthy 75%-80% of the time... I've binged or knowingly over-indulged during times of high stress and emotion. No wonder!!! NO WONDER I'm GAINING weight. No wonder I'm not losing it! How on earth am I supposed to do it with all this coming at me all the time?

I have no self-esteem (which, according to the earlier mentioned person, is for teenagers), very little feeling of self-worth, inferiority complex. I feel so... not smart. I feel like a fat loser. Not smart enough to ever have children (even though I badly want[ed] to be a mother someday). Barely able to survive adulthood successfully. Getting to be healthy again. I feel like I barely have a chance.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you all so much. I'm glad I have the Spark Community to keep things in perspective and to pick me up when I am down. :-)
    4061 days ago
    My dear friend Jill,
    NO man who makes you feel worthless, is worth your time. I spent 3 years in a marriage with a man who wanted me to be "different" than who I really was. A true partner values you, even at what you feel is your worst. Will love you even if you weighed 300lbs, sees your inner beauty and not your outer. Being with someone who knows what a caring, loving and dedicated friend you are. I know the depth of your character and beauty of your soul. You know that you are deserving of all the happiness you want out of your life. Never let ANYONE deprive you of your spirit, or you will to dream. You are FAR from selfish, because if I need you, you are there for me. You are one of my best friends even though we are miles away!
    Maybe you should point out all his "faults" he is mean, critical, rude and undeserving of you and any future children you would have ever given him.
    You know I love you and am here for you always :)
    4069 days ago
    (((((HUGS))))) Sending you virtual love, so that you will KNOW you're loved, not matter what. You're more than a number on a scale, and perfect, just the way you are!
    4080 days ago
  • CLAUDIA1333
    Hey you! First off *big hugs*!!! Although I can't sympathize right now with the relationship part of the equation, I can empathize with the high stress and gaining weight! I gained 10 pounds back the end of December through January because I was working crazy hours, being very stressed out, and not working out because, hey-I'd rather get another hour of sleep. It's tough in this industry to eat healthy and workout, especially when you're surrounded by overweight stage hands who will generally eat anything put in front of them! You just have to do the best you can and get rid of the bad foods in your house! You can only control so much, and making more healthy foods available to yourself will help you feel better. I know that after one particular stretch of days without serious vegetables, I ate a huge salad for lunch and nearly instantly felt less gross and fat! Hang in there sweety!!!
    4084 days ago
    Jilly, I agree with the ladies and Kristen said it best...looks like you got some excess baggage to rid yourself of, thats a good 15 pounds of crap right there. Any man that has to put down a woman the way he did is lacking himself. I know you've been with him the past 6 years and you probably feel you can't go on without him, however I'm one to tell you that you can. You deserve so much better. Your self worth is more then this man can handle. My experience is he's intimidated by your intelligence and he's intimidated by your strength and the only way to make himself feel inferior is by knocking you down. Ask yourself do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering your self worth? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with regret of not having kids and always feeling like your not smart enough or thin enough? If you can answer yes to any one of those questions then stay with him, but if you answer no to at least one or all then it's time to move on, rid yourself of the excess weight and prepare yourself for that man that will make you feel beautiful and smart no matter what.

    Love you girl and know that I am here if you need me.

    PS...you'll find that job, don't worry, trust me everyone that has come close to graduation goes through the same thing.

    4087 days ago
    Jill, in your very intelligent mind, you KNOW what you have to do. I think everything is going to fall into place very nicely for you once you graduate and get that under your belt. Stress can do a lot of damage to your body, and a relationship. Only you can decide what is best for you, but as an outsider, I say losing that excess "baggage" will do wonders for your self esteem. :) Here if you need me! Love ya!
    4088 days ago
    I'm with Tigger! You're too good for this, and too young to be worried about if you will "ever" have kids. Take care of yourself and better relationships will come your way.

    4089 days ago
  • TIGGER2908
    Oh, my goodness, Jilly. You have GOT to get rid of that man. You are SO MUCH better than that. Anyone who says the things he said to you should just be kicked to the curb, with no hesitation.

    Self esteeem is for everyone, not just teenagers. Wanting to be a mother is for anyone who wants it, not just those who are thin. When I got pregnant the first time, I was over 200 pounds. I topped 300 by the time my son was born (I lost 40 during delivery) but that left me with 260 pounds. I got pregnant twice more. My doctor said that he would have preferred me to be lighter but was still supportive of my pregnancies. If your guy can't imagine that a large woman can have a healthy pregnancy with the right support, then tell him my story.

    Regardless, you are better than this, you deserve someone who will love you for you, not for your body size.

    4089 days ago
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