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Thursday, February 11, 2010

** Now that I have finished typing everything out on here, I am sorry for cussing so much, I don't ever do that on here... but as I said... I just needed to get some things off my chest in no random order and I did so as they all crossed my mind**

I am writing this blog without the intention of it making since for anyone but myself. I need a place to put my thoughts, feelings, and just ramble on about a few things. No one has to comment or even read it. It just hope by getting it out, I will help myself.

I can find no motivation in me for anything. Where is the girl that lost 50 pounds last year by using spark people to track her foods and exercise. Yea some bad sh!t happened to me, but why did I just give up on myself. I had everything going for me and I just opened the window and out all the motivation went. I told myself that once I got settled in I would start back up exercising and eating right. But I haven't. The thing about me is that thanks to spark I know how to lose weight, but for some reason I just don't WANT to do it. I take that back, I want to... I just won't. I start to eat something i have ordered from a restraunt (yes we are eating out all the time again) and I think to myself, "you know d@mn well how you could have made this a healthy lunch and you didn't do it... did you dummy?". i just look in the mirror, or at photos and am appalled at how fat I am again and know that I was so proud of myself for being thinner back in May... but I guess it's not enough. I am absolutely disgusted with myself for not having motivation and just all together giving up. I found myself just now looking at the motivation part of sparks articles and just decided that I couldn't find anything that was going to get me started. I gave up before I even got out of the A's. I feel like I want to lose weight and be healthy just as much as I did in January 2009, but I won't make myself do anything. I just keep adding on excuses and it's pissing me off. I want to get the feeling of being happy and feeling better back again. I want to feel like I am accomplishing something. I want to WANT to go out and do things with my husband again. I just can't make myself want any of it bad enough. I need someone that is here to do all this crap with me to help me get started again. Problem is, the few friends I have don't give a flip about losing weight (or are in the same, not WANTING to rut I am in). And my husband is the one true person I want to help me with this and even do healthy things with me, but he doesn't seem to give a sh!t either. I guess all those months of working my a$$ off AND having fun losing weight are over and I am left with the memories of how I used to feel. So, all that being said... I am DONE... and not the way we all normally hear it used on Spark. I am DONE trying to make myself exercise. I am DONE trying to eat healthier. I am DONE with having hope in losing weight and being healthy. And I am DONE writing blogs to try to motivate myself. I feel like such an idiot because I have come on here two different occasions and typed out blogs showing that I was motivated again. And at the time, I was. It lasted for a short time, then it was over. I will not do that to myself anymore. The next time I write I blog on here it will be after I have been back on track for at least a month. So you may hear from me again in 2 months, or 2 years, or maybe this will be the last time you hear from me. I don't know when I will want to be good to myself again but I don't feel like it will be anytime soon.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You really shouldn't give up. I often feel the same way you do. My boyfriend of 2 and a half years and I just broke up and that has been hard on me. Some days I feel like what's the point. Life's just going to beat me down again if I try. But I had to stop thinking that way and since then I've lost 13 pounds. Not as much as the 50 you lost but it's a start. If you could do it once before, you can do it again so don't give up. You know you have it in you. Try again. Do it for you. Aren't you worth it? Really don't give up. Don't quit. Hey I'm doing it alone too...maybe we can do it together.
    3804 days ago
    Danielle! i believe in you and I know that you will find your motivation and you will be back here where you have that support you need before you know it. I know how hard it is to get back into this lifestyle ESPECIALLY when you're doing it alone with people you love holding you back but I KNOW you have the strength to do it. Dont worry about coming here and blogging when you have motivation because even if it does fade you'll be allowing that motivation to help you in some way. Dont let yourself think in such absolutes...nothing in life is absolute except it all ends...I know that you have a fierce desire to put yourself on a track to not follow in your dads footsteps healthwise. Let this blog be the end and put yourself on a new journey. You are a strong determined beautiful woman and you deserve the health and happiness you find in working out and eating right.
    3998 days ago
  • 22PHAT
    I pray that things will turn around for you soon. There is POWER in prayer. You are not alone. There is probably someone out there going through the same trial and tribulations as yourself. Please don't give up. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. HANG IN THERE!!!

    3998 days ago

    I have missed you friend. And I have been in the hell you are going through right now. I just had this discussion with my therapist today. I do not have all the answers, but giving up is not an option. You are capable of doing this and you will figure out that you do want what SP has going on.

    So, I am going to email you my regular email. I would love to talk more with you about this and how we are going to deal with the issues and find some new way to approach the whole deal. Ok! And If you choose not to email me that is ok too, no pressure. Just know that it is there for you.

    3998 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4685823
    Find one thing and get a full grip on it and the rest will come. It's difficult, to foot that one foot in front of the other, but you know deep down, you're as determined as they come. Don't try to bring anyone along with you. Just choose something and hit it hard. You'll pull it off.--PJ
    3998 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4856320
    Wow. I can relate to everything you have written down. I started on SP a year ago, lost 30lbs and then something very similar happened to me, and I slipped into my old lifestyle. Gained the weight back and more. SUCKS... I kept thinking when I did finally get my butt in gear, how motivated I was before. I lost all that.
    I don't know all that you've gone through and it sounds like you want to lose weight, but right now, you do NOT want to go through all that it takes. This conflict is stressing you out and it's not helping the motivation angle. I did like to see that you are DONE with trying to make yourself do it. I know that sounds weird, but you aren't in the right mind set. I hope you get there, but for now, like let it be. You know, just let it settle. The stress is just counter productive for your ultimate goal to lose weight. When you're ready, then look at what you can do - and yes, you may have been in full swing at some point, but START SMALL. When you're ready - go back to the fast breaks. If it needs to be only working on water, only working on exercise (10 minutes, three times a week), or only tracking your food - then that's fine. It sounds like it would help to slip back slowly.
    I wish you well and I'm sorry you've been struggling.
    Take care.
    3998 days ago
  • ALOWR43
    Hi, I want to let you know that I totally get what you are going through. I have stopped caring and gone back to my old ways more times than I can count.
    Then I come back having to lose all the weight over again and wondering if I will ever get my **** together.
    Recently when I was in one of my down times , I realized that If I could just manage to maintain instead of gain while I was going through this I wouldn't feel like such a loser , when I got back on track.
    I am going to add you as a friend , feel free to contact me if you need to chat. I am on a couple of times a day and I will respond.

    Annette emoticon
    3998 days ago
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