Thursday, February 11, 2010
** Now that I have finished typing everything out on here, I am sorry for cussing so much, I don't ever do that on here... but as I said... I just needed to get some things off my chest in no random order and I did so as they all crossed my mind**
I am writing this blog without the intention of it making since for anyone but myself. I need a place to put my thoughts, feelings, and just ramble on about a few things. No one has to comment or even read it. It just hope by getting it out, I will help myself.
I can find no motivation in me for anything. Where is the girl that lost 50 pounds last year by using spark people to track her foods and exercise. Yea some bad sh!t happened to me, but why did I just give up on myself. I had everything going for me and I just opened the window and out all the motivation went. I told myself that once I got settled in I would start back up exercising and eating right. But I haven't. The thing about me is that thanks to spark I know how to lose weight, but for some reason I just don't WANT to do it. I take that back, I want to... I just won't. I start to eat something i have ordered from a restraunt (yes we are eating out all the time again) and I think to myself, "you know d@mn well how you could have made this a healthy lunch and you didn't do it... did you dummy?". i just look in the mirror, or at photos and am appalled at how fat I am again and know that I was so proud of myself for being thinner back in May... but I guess it's not enough. I am absolutely disgusted with myself for not having motivation and just all together giving up. I found myself just now looking at the motivation part of sparks articles and just decided that I couldn't find anything that was going to get me started. I gave up before I even got out of the A's. I feel like I want to lose weight and be healthy just as much as I did in January 2009, but I won't make myself do anything. I just keep adding on excuses and it's pissing me off. I want to get the feeling of being happy and feeling better back again. I want to feel like I am accomplishing something. I want to WANT to go out and do things with my husband again. I just can't make myself want any of it bad enough. I need someone that is here to do all this crap with me to help me get started again. Problem is, the few friends I have don't give a flip about losing weight (or are in the same, not WANTING to rut I am in). And my husband is the one true person I want to help me with this and even do healthy things with me, but he doesn't seem to give a sh!t either. I guess all those months of working my a$$ off AND having fun losing weight are over and I am left with the memories of how I used to feel. So, all that being said... I am DONE... and not the way we all normally hear it used on Spark. I am DONE trying to make myself exercise. I am DONE trying to eat healthier. I am DONE with having hope in losing weight and being healthy. And I am DONE writing blogs to try to motivate myself. I feel like such an idiot because I have come on here two different occasions and typed out blogs showing that I was motivated again. And at the time, I was. It lasted for a short time, then it was over. I will not do that to myself anymore. The next time I write I blog on here it will be after I have been back on track for at least a month. So you may hear from me again in 2 months, or 2 years, or maybe this will be the last time you hear from me. I don't know when I will want to be good to myself again but I don't feel like it will be anytime soon.