I got through the holidays in one piece and was going back down in weight. Then my mom was diagnosed with cancer. That definitely threw me for a loop. I've been medicating with carbohydrates....not a good thing. I've got to get this back under control quickly. It is all about being mindful about what I eat. And caring about myself. It is easy to keep eating and eating, when I don't feel like taking care of myself. Not good, so I'll give myself a big hug here.
My 75 pounds came from being very, very mindful of what I ate. I am at the computer all day, so it is easy for me to use the nutrition tracker to watch every single bite that went in my mouth. And if I didn't know how to put it in the tracker, I didn't eat it. That worked pretty well for about 9 months. I have been off the band wagon for about 4 months now. The weight hasn't come off, but it hasn't come back on either. Which may be an even bigger success.
I have a great, great therapist who is helping me cope with all the grief. She said I am doing a great job keeping in touch with how I am feeling and letting it go. Rough, rough work. I am finding that when I am going for the carbs, I am not being mindful of how I feel and what I am eating. And at that point, I just don't care. But I do manage to stop myself before it gets totally off the rails. And I don't beat myself up about it. Another big hug for myself here. This is grueling work and my great, great therapist says it is a time to lower my expectations. Last time we visited, she kept reminding me, "Lower.....lower....lower..." I'm kind of hyper responsible, so this is more grueling work ahead. :-) I may have to go back on my anti depressant medicine as well. I see my regular doctor in about a week, so we will talk about that. I have a history of depression and want to catch this, before it gets any worse. Here are my symptoms…anxious, can’t concentrate, irritable, sad, eating. That’s the start….I can see it coming. Sigh…
And oh my gosh, I am sooooooooo tired! I've found that I need to be getting 9 to 10 hours of sleep to function. And I am only getting 5 to 6. This has to get turned around fast. I got 10 hours last night and feel human. All week, I was going to work on less than 6 hours. I felt like a zombie by the end of the day. I drag home and can barely figure out what to eat. Somebody who shall remain nameless went out and bought a bunch of carbo grab snacks. Those were too much to have around. They are going in her room the next time they come home! I just can't resist. And especially since they seem to help my mood. But not the waistline, and they really don't satisfy on the nutritional scale. Plus I have no idea how to put them in the nutrition tracker. Those have got to go! Surprisingly, spinach seems to give me a boost in energy. Haven't figured that one out, but it is turning into a go-to food. Instead of those stupid pita chips and cheese!
One of the other things that is happening is my lower back is a wreck!! Much of my stress goes to my lower back, so I have to take care of it. Walking, stretching, and the heating pad goes a long way, with a trip to the chiropractor for good measure. And yesterday, he said, time for a massage to break up all those tense muscles. Yeah!!! I can’t wait for that. Maybe I’m coming out of it and need a massage to know it. It is probably a lactic acid wasteland back there!
And the most important thing in my little world is the walking. No matter what, I get out there every single day. I’ve been walking between 30 and 90 minutes a day. 30 minutes is enough to get me destressed and 60 minutes completely empties my head of the worries. 90 minutes, I’m ready for bed! Which is a good thing based on how much sleep I need and am not getting! I am so grateful for all those weeks of exercise over the past year. I am strong. I can walk really fast when I need to. I have great balance and the strength to keep myself moving. I am so grateful for this ability to keep moving.
But enough about me. How is my mom? She is a trooper! The chemo treatments have started and are going very well. She is healthy, strong, and able to handle these treatments. She has been going once a week now and will continue into the future. We are hopeful that she gets a week off here and there. The tumor is shrinking and the fluid around her lung is not growing. Great, great news.
We are going to a special store today to look at hats, scarves, and wigs. The hair is going quickly, so our good friend came over and shaved it down. She has a crew cut going, and it looks pretty good! She is into manicures now too. So funny, because she never wanted those before. We will probably go do that today too.
I am so lucky. They put steroids in her chemo treatments, plus she is taking some pills that jack her up the day after chemo. So woo hoo! Saturday is our run around and do errands day! She is so hyper, I can get things done for her and she can make decisions. The rest of the week, she sleeps it off. I told her this week, “You know mom, there are a lot worse things than sleeping all the time.” We will take it.
Thank you so much to all my spark friends who are dropping by to wish me well. I can’t keep up with everybody, but I definitely hold you in my heart. Thank you so much for caring about us and letting us know!