Power Removed or Power Enhanced?
Saturday, March 13, 2010
I had one of those AHA moments today...in the past, as much as I've looked for, waited for, hoped for, wished for and dreamed of big revelations dropping into my awareness to shine the light on the reasons for this lifelong weight struggle, the one I had today gave me a start and resulted in some soul searching and frankly, a bit of deep disappointment in myself.
I don't disclose to many that I've had lap band surgery; partly due to protecting my own medical history and partly due to embarrassment at having to resort to such drastic measures to be healthy and lose weight. And although I've lost 30 pounds since having the surgery, I've been very disappointed with not only the rate of loss, but the amount; I had a fantasy that the weight would fall off. And I was at this weight a year ago, prior to surgery, but gained and now I'm back to a few months-before-surgery weight...not much of an accomplishment.
In fact, what I've noticed is that since surgery, I've felt even more out of control with eating. I've felt the band prevented me from eating what I wanted to and I've done what I could to work around it. I've come to erroneously believe that the band has prevented me from doing what I seem to love most...eating.
It dawned on me today that instead of feeling the band has removed my ability to eat what I want , I need to do a bit of cognitive restructuring (fancy talk for changing my thinking) and USE the band to help control my eating. I'M in charge, not the band. I know this is simple; I know the band is to be used as a tool, but it wasn't something I felt until today. Even though I was the one who made the decision to get the band, I still felt it had power over me. But now, I'm in control...Large and In Charge! I'm going to use the hell out of this band. I'm going to flog it into shape and make it my employee. It works for me, not the other way around. It's under my control!