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This has been harder than I thought

Monday, April 05, 2010

Well talk about an emotional rollercoaster. I skipped Easter this year because I was just too afraid of my unsettled nerves. That and a combo of a healthy dose of period cramping add a 3 hour drive and parents in a car and it's a recipe for disaster.. so I opted out.. I don't want to take all my bad mojo out on anybody else. I knew this would be hard. TY Jesus for helping me find the right people in AA and recovery.. without them I know I'd be drinking and just giving up. Don't get me wrong I love my family. They are as supportive of me as they can be. Right now I can hardly handle myself. I have one hearing aide not working so I need to see if I can get it fixed and then I will be going back to the doctor for my B12 shot and bloodwork overview.. see how things are physically.. and I'm working through my 4th step.. making a searching and moral inventory of ourselves. Sorry I have not posted much lately I just have not felt up to it. My recovery is so emotional that my journaling for the most part has been pretty private.. I haven't felt much like socializing with people outside the program much because I don't want to overwhelm my family and reg friends. Before I went into treatment I really lost it and I know it was hard on my folks to see me like that. I'm glad I got help.. I needed it badly. I still need help. I should hear within this week when I can start back with my outpatient rehab. When I had both hearing aides down (just got one back with a new receiver).. I had to stop going to meetings and I just couldn't start up the group therapy..w hat would be the point if I can't hear ? Turns out it was meant to be because the folks over at the Sanctuary had set me up for an intake with just regular councelling not rehab so it would have had to been changed anyhow.. this reinforces the fact with me that everything happens for a reason.

Had a good long talk on the phone tonight with my brother John in Jersey.. or rather Wa dc tonight.. was good to hear from him.. forgot to tell him I have installed skype and my bff even gave me a special phone to use but she and I have not had a chance to set it up together.. that will be on the near future todo list.

At this point I haven't trusted myself to go grocery shopping alone. I know that probably sounds insane but the truth of the matter is it's so ingrained.. so much of a habit that I need someone there with me to make a conscious decision to make the right choices. SO for now.. that's where I'm at. It may not be pretty but at least I'm honest bout it.

God bless u all that are still in my corner. Sorry I have not had the energy to check up on you in a while.. looking forward to catching up in the next day or two.

Peace.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • IMPROVINGME
    Sending good thoughts your way. Hang in there -- you're going to get through this!
    3892 days ago
  • DDOORN
    It sounds like you are gaining some fundamental strength and wisdom through this incubation period!

    I like your caution, bonding with others in the program and processing through journaling...! Don't need to know details, just so PLEASED that you are taking such important steps in your journey! Knowing your limits is so CRUCIAL right now!

    Thx for filling us in on your progress!

    Your SparkFamily is behind you every step of the way!

    Don
    3893 days ago
  • no profile photo JANDERSO9980
    Good talking w/ you too! Keep up the good work w/ staying clean, we're all proud of you...-- The East Coast Andersons
    3894 days ago
  • _MAOMAO_
    Hey, there'll be other Easter dinners. What counts is your here. I was just wondering about you on Easter, in fact, hoped it was going well for you.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3894 days ago
  • MCJULIEO
    One step at a time,.... one step at a time...

    We're praying for your victory, one step at a time.

    It may not be "Inch by inch, it's a cinch", but tiny victories grow into bigger ones with practice.

    Thanks for being honest, and Hang in there!
    3894 days ago
  • MRSHONEYC
    Good to hear from you! Sounds like everything is going along JUST fine. Keep it up - you ARE doing it!!!
    emoticon
    3894 days ago
  • RONALYN
    We are here when you need us :) emoticon
    3894 days ago
  • HANSEEN
    Not doing Easter this years sounds like a good idea for you, for now. There will be many more Easters that you will be able to attend. You need to take care of you first. You made the right choice. Hang there.
    3894 days ago
  • no profile photo JDYJMM2000
    Good luck to you on your journey. It may be difficult but it will be worth it in the end.
    3894 days ago
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