This has been harder than I thought
Monday, April 05, 2010
Well talk about an emotional rollercoaster. I skipped Easter this year because I was just too afraid of my unsettled nerves. That and a combo of a healthy dose of period cramping add a 3 hour drive and parents in a car and it's a recipe for disaster.. so I opted out.. I don't want to take all my bad mojo out on anybody else. I knew this would be hard. TY Jesus for helping me find the right people in AA and recovery.. without them I know I'd be drinking and just giving up. Don't get me wrong I love my family. They are as supportive of me as they can be. Right now I can hardly handle myself. I have one hearing aide not working so I need to see if I can get it fixed and then I will be going back to the doctor for my B12 shot and bloodwork overview.. see how things are physically.. and I'm working through my 4th step.. making a searching and moral inventory of ourselves. Sorry I have not posted much lately I just have not felt up to it. My recovery is so emotional that my journaling for the most part has been pretty private.. I haven't felt much like socializing with people outside the program much because I don't want to overwhelm my family and reg friends. Before I went into treatment I really lost it and I know it was hard on my folks to see me like that. I'm glad I got help.. I needed it badly. I still need help. I should hear within this week when I can start back with my outpatient rehab. When I had both hearing aides down (just got one back with a new receiver).. I had to stop going to meetings and I just couldn't start up the group therapy..w hat would be the point if I can't hear ? Turns out it was meant to be because the folks over at the Sanctuary had set me up for an intake with just regular councelling not rehab so it would have had to been changed anyhow.. this reinforces the fact with me that everything happens for a reason.
Had a good long talk on the phone tonight with my brother John in Jersey.. or rather Wa dc tonight.. was good to hear from him.. forgot to tell him I have installed skype and my bff even gave me a special phone to use but she and I have not had a chance to set it up together.. that will be on the near future todo list.
At this point I haven't trusted myself to go grocery shopping alone. I know that probably sounds insane but the truth of the matter is it's so ingrained.. so much of a habit that I need someone there with me to make a conscious decision to make the right choices. SO for now.. that's where I'm at. It may not be pretty but at least I'm honest bout it.
God bless u all that are still in my corner. Sorry I have not had the energy to check up on you in a while.. looking forward to catching up in the next day or two.