Sunday, April 25, 2010
has it really been almost 2 years? Funny how life keeps getting in the way of living. But i guess there comes a time when doing something about living has to take precedence over day-to-day life. I had actually even forgotten about SparkPeople; life has been a constant struggle for the past two years... I look back to July, 2008 - the date of my last blog entry here - and try and figure out where .. and why.. i went off the track.. I mean, it's not something new... diet.. health.. weight loss.. is something I have ..obviously.. not been successful at sticking with, but usually its fits and starts in a fairly consistant basis.. 2 years... and I know exactly what it was.. another life change, the new job, moving to Montana.. a mistake that took away most of my savings, a good deal of my professional confidence and a significant portion of my income, even when I returned to work in Georgia.. things are now again up in the air.. bought a home, something that seemed a good idea at the time, but now is weighing heavily on this gypsy-at-heart girl, a job that has become unsatisfying due to many factors, one of them being a boss that makes professional decisions based on whether you have a certain appendage or not.. and i dont.. and somewhere in all of that.. i managed to pack on another 25 lbs. backwards backwards backwards.. that seems to sum up the past 2 years.. backwards on my goals, backwards on my health, backwards in my career and financial situation, backwards on my ability to learn to live again after escaping a unbearable situation, backwards on finding ME again.
Makes me hesitant to post.. heck, hesitant to even try again.. ive "proven" my inability to do this right, right? "Proven" to be a failure at weight loss, and so many other things.. why bother?
But there remains that little small kernel of hope, that mental image of what my life could be if i didnt feel self conscious every time i am in public, what it would be like to walk a block and not be gasping for breath, not to be embarassed to have to squeeze around poeple in theaters, meetings and crowded busses... what it would be like to be able to find clothes that fit and look nice, instead of feeling like a cow in anything i wear, hoping every morning just to squeeze into the lastest pair of "fat pants"
So here i go... AGAIN.