life changes - moving on, moving up.
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
i haven't been active at all on SP lately, and there is definitely a reason for it. for the last few months, i had been feeling like my relationship was not working the way it used to...for a multitude of reasons, which i won't get into, but basically boiling down to the fact that i just felt like i wasn't in love the way i used to be. when you're in love with someone, you sometimes overlook certain things that you wouldn't with someone else, and when my feelings began to fade, so did my tolerance. i had been holding onto the relationship out of fear, mostly because we had been together for so long, i didn't know what would happen if we weren't together. also, brian really took care of me, and i was worried i wouldn't be able to make it on my own...i also thought about my insecurities about finding someone to spend the rest of my life with, and felt like maybe if i didn't stay with brian, i would be doomed to singlehood for the rest of my life. none of these reasons are good ones for staying in a relationship that is not working, and about a week ago, i realized this in an epiphanic flash.
so, i decided i would have to break it off, and i braced myself for having the hardest conversation i've ever had to have. and also a long few days of continuing to talk to him on the phone, knowing i would have to make the drive out there on the weekend to break up. the anticipation was absolutely torturous...but nothing compared to how i felt telling him. although i knew i was making the right decision for me, i felt like garbage. i didn't want to hurt him, because i still care very deeply for him...but pity is another terrible reason to stick it out.
it actually couldn't have gone any better. he took it relatively well, although i know he felt more than he let on, as he's never been good a displaying his emotions...the worst part was watching his face as i drove away...it was truly heartbreaking. my friend gypsy actually offered to make the hour long drive with me and wait at a coffee shop while i did it, so i would have someone to drive home in case i felt like i couldn't. she was awesome, and i'm sooooo glad she came. i needed that support.
in any case, i feel a weight lifted off my shoulders...am i still scared to be alone? hell yes. i actually started freaking out about it today, but i was able to put it into perspective. i went for a short run to clear my head, and it seemed to help. i'm hoping to be able to use this as a new push to get me back on the path to weightloss. staying active and treating my body well will make me feel much better, i know. so that's gonna be my mantra for the summer. i'm getting under 200 and then WAY BEYOND! i did gain a couple pounds, but those are coming off this week, and i'm back on track!
so don't worry too much about me...i'm a strong gal, and i'm looking forward to starting a new chapter in my life...single, healthy, happy and as carefree as possible! on a sidenote, my tattoo is less than two weeks away, and i'm really excited! it has a brand new meaning with all of these changes in my life! hope you all are doing well!!!!