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life changes - moving on, moving up.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

i haven't been active at all on SP lately, and there is definitely a reason for it. for the last few months, i had been feeling like my relationship was not working the way it used to...for a multitude of reasons, which i won't get into, but basically boiling down to the fact that i just felt like i wasn't in love the way i used to be. when you're in love with someone, you sometimes overlook certain things that you wouldn't with someone else, and when my feelings began to fade, so did my tolerance. i had been holding onto the relationship out of fear, mostly because we had been together for so long, i didn't know what would happen if we weren't together. also, brian really took care of me, and i was worried i wouldn't be able to make it on my own...i also thought about my insecurities about finding someone to spend the rest of my life with, and felt like maybe if i didn't stay with brian, i would be doomed to singlehood for the rest of my life. none of these reasons are good ones for staying in a relationship that is not working, and about a week ago, i realized this in an epiphanic flash.

so, i decided i would have to break it off, and i braced myself for having the hardest conversation i've ever had to have. and also a long few days of continuing to talk to him on the phone, knowing i would have to make the drive out there on the weekend to break up. the anticipation was absolutely torturous...but nothing compared to how i felt telling him. although i knew i was making the right decision for me, i felt like garbage. i didn't want to hurt him, because i still care very deeply for him...but pity is another terrible reason to stick it out.

it actually couldn't have gone any better. he took it relatively well, although i know he felt more than he let on, as he's never been good a displaying his emotions...the worst part was watching his face as i drove away...it was truly heartbreaking. my friend gypsy actually offered to make the hour long drive with me and wait at a coffee shop while i did it, so i would have someone to drive home in case i felt like i couldn't. she was awesome, and i'm sooooo glad she came. i needed that support.

in any case, i feel a weight lifted off my shoulders...am i still scared to be alone? hell yes. i actually started freaking out about it today, but i was able to put it into perspective. i went for a short run to clear my head, and it seemed to help. i'm hoping to be able to use this as a new push to get me back on the path to weightloss. staying active and treating my body well will make me feel much better, i know. so that's gonna be my mantra for the summer. i'm getting under 200 and then WAY BEYOND! i did gain a couple pounds, but those are coming off this week, and i'm back on track!

so don't worry too much about me...i'm a strong gal, and i'm looking forward to starting a new chapter in my life...single, healthy, happy and as carefree as possible! on a sidenote, my tattoo is less than two weeks away, and i'm really excited! it has a brand new meaning with all of these changes in my life! hope you all are doing well!!!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • RASPBERRYBERET
    I know you posted this a while ago but I'm glad you feel like you made the right choice and had the courage to do it. This might be really good for you in the sense that working so hard to change your health and your body is very time-consuming and I think it can be good to be able to focus completely on the project at hand. While obviously the idea is to take some of the lifestyle stuff with you permanently, there is definitely a lot more work and anxiety and focus required when you're still trying to reach your goals. And hey, if you can get as far as you already have, you're one strong lady and don't need no stinkin man to take care of you.

    I hope you're doing well!!
    3684 days ago
  • PINKCOCONUT
    *big hugs* Why did I only see this post now?!

    I'm so sorry that you had to do that hon but it sounds like you did the right thing so kudos for being so incredibly brave in doing it. It takes a lot of nuts to do that!

    One day at a time and we're all here if you need us!
    3715 days ago
  • STINA6584
    I saw when you changed your FB status, but I didn't say anything then because I'm horribly awkward when it comes to this kind of stuff. (I never know what to say, and almost always end up making some sort of horribly inappropriate joke. I really just didn't want to say something assinine and upset you more or something.)

    I'm really proud of your for making this decision. It's probably the most difficult decision you'll ever make, but you've done what's right for you. You sounds like for the most part you're doing okay, but if you need anything you know where to find me. Anything I can do I'm on it.

    Also, I really like Laura's virtual runs and wine/ skype night ideas!

    Much love!!!!
    3715 days ago
  • LLBEAN75
    I love you cupcake! I am here for you in any way that you need it. I have finals next week and I am BACK! Maybe we can start doing virtual runs together? Or wine/skype nights?! Anything you need, I am here and I am so super proud of you for putting yourself first and making your life the way you want it!

    Much love!
    3715 days ago
  • LILMYSTERY
    I'm glad you're back and that you were able to do what you felt to be best for you - it takes a strong woman to face the unknown rather than staying with something comfortable. Sometimes the best and most rewarding aspects of life come from taking the chance and trusting yourself to know whats best.

    If you ever need anything. . . well, you know what to do ;)
    3716 days ago
  • ASHLEYKAT
    I'm glad you're back. I'm still here if you need anything!
    3717 days ago
  • TEAM-SARAH
    I know I already offered you my support. It's great that you made the decision you had to make for yourself. I know it had to be tough... but you are strong and you can do this. I know you're gonna make this a happy healthy summer!!
    3717 days ago
  • LISTLOADRUN
    as if any of us needed more proof of what a strong smart courageous woman you are... what you did wasnt easy but it was right for you. Congrats on having the trust in yourself to do it.

    We're here if you need us (and even if you dont *s*)


    3717 days ago
  • KARVY09
    Wow, that's an excellent magnet Tara's got there. I kinda want it!

    In any case, I'm so proud that you acted on your feelings and did what was best for you. Many people haven't done that and ended up in unhappy relationships for way too long or got married and needed to deal with the pain of divorce.

    In the past, I KNOW that I stuck it out way longer than I should have just because of that fear that I would be alone for the rest of my life. And I was really young too, 22-23, and nobody should ever feel that way, especially at that age. But of course, I did because I was overweight/obese and I didn't think someone would want me. So sad.

    Glad you're running it out and working ON YOU. You've got so much to look forward to! Races, teaching, and yes, eventually finding YOUR match. He is out there for you and you'll find him someday.
    emoticon
    3717 days ago
  • TKLPICKLE
    I have a magnet on my fridge that says, "it's better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho the rest of your life" ...not that he was a psycho, but hey, why sign up for a lifetime with someone you're not completely, 100% jazzed about??

    congrats on putting on your big girl panties and taking life into your own hands!
    3717 days ago
  • SARANGEREL
    I'm glad to hear that you had the courage to do what was best for you. Breaking up a long term relationship is very difficult and many people stay in relationships when both should have moved on. I wish you the very best and am sending some good vibes your way! Be well!
    3717 days ago
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