Monday, May 24, 2010
Be strong. Hold your head high. Suck it up.
My whole life I have been the strong one...always dealing with what life throws at me. Always being the one to keep it together and not freak out, snap like a twig or break into the ugly cry.
Change is a comin'.
My entire life I have been pretty much healthy. No broken bones, not much sickness, no medications for anything. Just basically healthy. Minus the short circuit heart thing.
I have in the last year, changed my entire life around and I am feeling wonderful! I feel fit healthy and where I want to be. I feel like I can do anything most days. I like it. In fact I LOVE it.
But, these past few weeks I have been put mentally and physically to the test. I suffered an injury to my leg 3 weeks previous to a 1/2 marathon, but I still completed the race. Then I spent the next 3 weeks not able to run. That was rough. I felt like someone gave me a precious gift then snatched it from me. Something that meant the world to me and I could no longer have it. I was not dealing well.
I am trying to be patient with this and heal. It is hard. I have the patience of Job with some things, but damn it all, not with this. I want it fixed and wanted it fixed NOW!
Last week after my therapy, I was told sure, you can give it a try. I come home, feeling stellar!! I am flying high..the therapy went so well, and my leg feels superb! My spirits are high and I change into my running clothes and give it a whirl. I am on the treadmill, so I don't get stranded on the highway and I fire the old girl up. I start out with a walk, then break into a slow jog. Then I feel it...the slight burning beginnings, the ITB flipping over my knee and after not 5 minutes I am walking. It is getting worse. I keep going and think maybe I can walk it out. The snapping and flipping continues and I can only go for 7 minutes. I pull the plug. I am done.
I just sit down on my treadmill and cry. I cannot imagine after this being a part of my life now being taken away. I cry harder. Get me some chocolate or some hard liqour, for the love of God.
The next day my leg is worse. I am in supreme pain at work and am basically dragging my gimp leg behind me. I am feeling pathetic. Both inside and out.
I talked to my sister Wanda about the upcoming race in less than 2 weeks. At this point I am not sure if I can walk it let alone run it. Then there is the other 1/2 marathon less that one month away in Nova Scotia. I am not feeling confident about it. I need Jillian screaming in my face right now, "Unless you are dead, passed out or puking, keep going". I chant this over in my head. Jillian, you are a cold hearted snake. I love you.
Two days later I am wrapping my head around this and keeping myself occupied with P90x, because oddly enough I can do that and it doesn't bother my leg. I can DO this. I will heal, I will be better. I will wait.
This week I also had a setback that scared the bejebus outta me. I lost focus in my eyes for about 2 minutes, spent a night at the hospital for testing for a stroke and various other things. A. STROKE. I am sighing heavily as I type this.
I am scared and a thousand thoughts go though my mind. What if I cannot walk or talk, let alone run? What if my kids and family are left with me in a vegetative state? What if I don't live to do all the things I haven't done? My Bucket List is undeniably gargantuan. This cannot happen. I have so much to do, to say, to be.
So today I have decided one thing. I am STILL strong. I can STILL hold my head high. I can STILL suck it up like nobody's business. But it is ok to feel the loss. To mourn for something that means the world to you. For me it is family, life, love, running, health, food and desire. I need them. And I know they need me.
I may not run the race in 2 weeks, but I will walk it if I have to. I may not run the 1/2 marathon, but I will run another one. I don't plan on dropping like a fly anytime soon either. I have plans. Dreams. Goals.
I. Am. Strong.
“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”