Life through me a curve... But Im learing how to play ball :)
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
So Ive been a basicly woman who's felt insecure about her body even in times when I was thin. As I matured and gone through the growth after surgery I thought I was in a good place, and I suppose I am. Ive found Im one of my worst enimies. Thinking negativly, sabatoging my own health. Not taking my vitamins, drinking alcohol daily, and not taking m ulcer meds. Its so stupid, I know better. Even have support of my husband that had this surgery six months after me so I have someone who REALLY knows what its like.
This last Febuary I had a meltdown. Tons of life stressors, some very serious. I felt mentally disconnected, felt a heavyness over my body and soul. I vibrated from inside out. Muscle twiching, Almost the inability too care for myself. Took great effort to dress and shower. Just forget brushing my teeth. Yuck. Its taken months of psycatriac care, meds, accupuncture (something new to me). Setting small goals, taking on small projects, trying not to become destracted into something else. Spent time trying to figure out WHY this happened, why now. Ive been through harder things in life. I have had to still deal with feeling guilty for not being well, feel like a burden to my family for being weak, needy. Not doing small things in life that should be easy.
Looking back since surgery things Ive noted where there was/is lack of control of chronic pain. Unable to take NSAIDS anylonger. I used to live on ibuprofen. Since maybe one year after surgery Ive drank alcohol on daily basis. I went from a normal drinker to possibly a alcoholic. Im still figuring this one out. Ive gone from ibuprofen to tramadol. Ive gone from a person who hated meds like Vicodin to a person who struggles with figuring out if I should take them. Its helps my pain, I feel better, but its with Narcs. Should I go down that road? Accupuncture has been very helpful in alot of ways but not so much with pain. Im frustrated with doctors and Im a nurse. Ive had injections on my neck, then had nerve burned so It wouldnt hurt anymore, Ive done multiple stents with physical therapy. Currently doing chiropratics. I do some Yoga streches daily. Probably need to do Yoga on more frequent basis with instructor. I wonder now if I have Fibromyalgia?
My psychiatrist has diagnosed me with Depression (duh) Anxiety (duh) and ADHD..
He said I have had symptoms of these for long time before coming in to him, that I had used others methods to cope. Healthy or unhealty. And that I had reached the point where couldnt.
I believe I used food before to combat these (duh) and when I lost that stimuli, I went to more unhealthy things. In last few months Ive gone on shopping sprees. Doesnt matter how much you spend if its more than you make. Ive wanted a new dress from BeBe, felt the thrill of buying, and the wonderful feeling of wearing something thats looks frickin awsome on you. To feel SEXY! To get compliments. Ive bought clothes from Norstroms, Ebay, Be BE and salvation army. But Im afraid now spending maybe my coping mechanism.
I returned to woork two weeks ago, back to my some times FRICKIN CRAZY Emergency Room Nurse job. I had bad dreams about going back, heart would race thinking about it.
After seven twelve and half hours shifts, Ive done pretty well. Trying to change how Im reacting to enviroment instead on enviroment dictating my mood (anxious). Learing how to stop stressing MYSELF out with un-needed expectations.
So to sum up this blog.
Use support groups, seek counseling. Physicans if needed.
BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND!
Thanks for reading