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Life through me a curve... But Im learing how to play ball :)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

So Ive been a basicly woman who's felt insecure about her body even in times when I was thin. As I matured and gone through the growth after surgery I thought I was in a good place, and I suppose I am. Ive found Im one of my worst enimies. Thinking negativly, sabatoging my own health. Not taking my vitamins, drinking alcohol daily, and not taking m ulcer meds. Its so stupid, I know better. Even have support of my husband that had this surgery six months after me so I have someone who REALLY knows what its like.


This last Febuary I had a meltdown. Tons of life stressors, some very serious. I felt mentally disconnected, felt a heavyness over my body and soul. I vibrated from inside out. Muscle twiching, Almost the inability too care for myself. Took great effort to dress and shower. Just forget brushing my teeth. Yuck. Its taken months of psycatriac care, meds, accupuncture (something new to me). Setting small goals, taking on small projects, trying not to become destracted into something else. Spent time trying to figure out WHY this happened, why now. Ive been through harder things in life. I have had to still deal with feeling guilty for not being well, feel like a burden to my family for being weak, needy. Not doing small things in life that should be easy.

Looking back since surgery things Ive noted where there was/is lack of control of chronic pain. Unable to take NSAIDS anylonger. I used to live on ibuprofen. Since maybe one year after surgery Ive drank alcohol on daily basis. I went from a normal drinker to possibly a alcoholic. Im still figuring this one out. Ive gone from ibuprofen to tramadol. Ive gone from a person who hated meds like Vicodin to a person who struggles with figuring out if I should take them. Its helps my pain, I feel better, but its with Narcs. Should I go down that road? Accupuncture has been very helpful in alot of ways but not so much with pain. Im frustrated with doctors and Im a nurse. Ive had injections on my neck, then had nerve burned so It wouldnt hurt anymore, Ive done multiple stents with physical therapy. Currently doing chiropratics. I do some Yoga streches daily. Probably need to do Yoga on more frequent basis with instructor. I wonder now if I have Fibromyalgia?

My psychiatrist has diagnosed me with Depression (duh) Anxiety (duh) and ADHD..
He said I have had symptoms of these for long time before coming in to him, that I had used others methods to cope. Healthy or unhealty. And that I had reached the point where couldnt.
I believe I used food before to combat these (duh) and when I lost that stimuli, I went to more unhealthy things. In last few months Ive gone on shopping sprees. Doesnt matter how much you spend if its more than you make. Ive wanted a new dress from BeBe, felt the thrill of buying, and the wonderful feeling of wearing something thats looks frickin awsome on you. To feel SEXY! To get compliments. Ive bought clothes from Norstroms, Ebay, Be BE and salvation army. But Im afraid now spending maybe my coping mechanism.


I returned to woork two weeks ago, back to my some times FRICKIN CRAZY Emergency Room Nurse job. I had bad dreams about going back, heart would race thinking about it.
After seven twelve and half hours shifts, Ive done pretty well. Trying to change how Im reacting to enviroment instead on enviroment dictating my mood (anxious). Learing how to stop stressing MYSELF out with un-needed expectations.

So to sum up this blog.

Use support groups, seek counseling. Physicans if needed.


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hi ladies, I don't currently have a webcam...but will make sure to get one if we're serious about making this commitment to each other! What times normally work best for you all?

    3797 days ago
    I have a webcam too!!! God, I am sooo glad I have you girls!! Let me know what you decide and I'm in!! I need you both!!
    3798 days ago
    I do!!!!

    I also forgot to mention that I have not gone back for my 18 month appointment either. I couldn't afford my deductibles right now and I knew I needed to take some more blood tests and bone density tests again. When I get back on my financial feet again, I will do it. Until then, those appointments are on hold. (not helping the weight loss situation either, but I have no choice)

    Let's pick a time to get together....online that is.
    3798 days ago
    This is awsome, that we have come to a realization we are not alone and we cant do it alone.

    Do you guys have web cameras?

    emoticon emoticon

    WE CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    3798 days ago
    OMGosh Sisters!! I am reading both of your posts and am thinking to myself, wow! This sounds so familiar. My depression set in last August when my dad passed away and my doctor put me on anti-depressants. Sometime last fall, my hip started giving me problems and I tried to ignore it.

    My depression did not get any better and my financial stress got worse (not helping matters). I made a decision to make a career change and I did in February. I quit my job of 5 years (my career of 32 years) and became a Realtor. Everyone knows that it takes a while to make any money, so this may not have been the best decision but I needed out.

    In the meantime, my hip got worse and I finally went to the doctor. I quit going and working out because of the pain, and I too started taking my "leftover" Vicadin. The doctor took xrays and there were no bone issues so he suggested Physical Therapy. Went for my first appointment this week and they did some accupuncture. That was Tuesday, this is Thursday....still hurts like H***. I have to go for 4 more sessions yet. We'll see. My doc gave another RX for Vicadin too.

    To make a long story short, I've sabotaged my weight loss. I never made goal and I have gained 20 pounds. I am struggling real hard to lose and it's not working. I am depressed. I hurt. I feel lost. I need my WLS sisters too.

    Paula - I know your pain and frustration. I know how you are feeling. If there is anything that can come out of this, it's that we can all be there for each other. If I had the money right now I would probably be shopping too!! Alcohol is another issue I can't deal with since my mother was a severe alcoholic. I tend to stay completely away from alcohol because of that. It's good that you are reaching out. I think this might be what we all need right now. Hang in there and think each time you take a drink or a pill, about those of us here that are thinking of you. We WILL get through this together.

    Donna - You have always been my inspiration (until I saw that Paula made goal too! LOL). You are a rock. Life does seem to throw us some bad curves sometimes and we all need to learn ways to deal with them. Like I said, if I had money I would be shopping too...probably a good thing I don't have any money.

    I am bound and determined to lose this "extra" weight and to get to goal. I am bound and determined not to let my financial situation get me down any more and to overcome this pain in my hip. I am also determined to get back into working out. I want to get there and I know with all your help I can get there. It's too bad that we can't all get together once a week for lunch or coffee but maybe we can get together once a week or something with Skype!!! That would be fun. I need your support too. Let's conquer all our demons.

    3798 days ago
    Paula, my surgery sister. Losing weight the way we did puts us face to face with our demons. I'm assuming that most morbidly obese people use food to medicate their emotions. It's an addiction, we just chose food over drugs or alcohol. Now our bodies won't let us abuse food anymore so we turn to something else, because those same old demons are still lurking. They didn't magically disappear with the weight. I don't abuse alcohol because I don't like the way it makes me feel. But I'm gonna be brutally honest here,(because you've inspired me to be) I have a prescription for Vicodin compliments of my Ortho doc for my knees (arthritis). I don't need this prescription any more, but I pop one or two of those pills when I've had a rough day. I know it's not good for me. I know it's a dangerous path to take. I'm trying to figure this out. I've turned mostly to shopping. Shopping is my transfer addiction. I buy clothes, shoes, jewelry and makeup on a regular, if almost daily basis. I'm trying hard to cut back. Part of me justifies this spending, telling myself "I have to rebuild an entire wardrobe". I could have paid for a nice vacation for my husband and I with all of the stuff I've bought! I feel like I have to look perfect from head to toe. I obsess about all of the wasted time I spent being fat. I'm afraid I only have a few good years left. I'm sad that I spent so much time watching life go by. I have big regrets and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't have any answers, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. I'm still so happy that I had the surgery, would do it all over again. I just wish I could figure out what my real issues are. I've thought about getting counseling....
    Anyway - you know I'm always here for you. Big hugs for my girl!!! We'll get through this and come out the other side sane, healthy, and hopefully not bankrupt! LOL!!!
    3799 days ago
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