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Feeling a Little Overwhelmed About Things Today

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Although this is not directly related to my weight loss, this is something that is very important to me, so I thought I'd share with you all. Maybe it will help me deal with it too.

A little background:
I have wanted to have children just about my whole life. I absolutely positively LOVE children. Anyone who's ever been around me when I am around a child for about 30 seconds or more can easily tell. (I guess it's one of the reasons I'm the children's ministry leader at my church.) I never seemed to be in the right place in my life though, so I was pretty content not actually getting pregnant earlier. (I'm glad that I never had children with my exhsb...don't have that to deal with a whole bunch of issues with that!) I have been very happily married for a little over 4 years now to the best husband in the world, someone I actually believe would be a good father. Finally. The right person. We have struggled financially until just recently though. While we're far from wealthy, we're beginning to get a little more comfortable. I could actually think about being a SAHM now!

The procrastinator:
I am normally a very healthy person. I hardly ever get sick, and by sick I mean a bad cold. I can't remember the last time I had any kind of real ailment (with the exception of a hospitalization due to heavy menstrual bleeding that caused my blood count to drop drastically - 8 yrs ago). So...I keep forgetting to make dr's or OB/GYN appts. Well, last fall I took care of the dr thing. That is what started me on this whole weight loss journey. Last month, I finally had the OB/GYN exam. Everything is fine, BUT I was immediately referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist, because we are TTC and have been trying for some time now...AND...because of my age. I will be 44 at the end of this month. (And by the way...my OB/GYN gave me a "high 5" when I told her about how much weight I've lost since I began this journey!)

Today (actually yesterday, 8/3):
So today was my first visit at the fertility center to which I was referred. I have to admit, I really have mixed emotions about the whole thing. After the visit at my OB/GYN back in mid-July I was so excited about this whole process, excited that it was FINALLY going to get me where I wanted so badly to be - MOTHERHOOD! They originally had me scheduled for 9/3, but put me on the cancellation list. Last week I got the call about today. I got even more excited when I found that out.

Then I met with the doctor. It seemed as if my bubble of excitement was immediately burst the moment he started to speak. The more he explained the unlikelyhood of me actually having a baby, the more I felt like just giving up. In fact, I texted my husband that very thing while in the office (after the dr left the room). In fact, the dr didn't really encourage me to do ANYTHING. He simply stated, I could choose to proceed with the plan for today (ultrasound and bloodwork) or I could even just call it quits right now. This after I just got done driving 1 1/2 hours just to get there. Does this man have any compassion?

Fortunately, the insurance coordinator I met with next had wonderful "bedside manners". She was very kind and took the time to explain what all my options were - outlining what my insurance covers and does not. I have a little over a year for any kind of fertility treatments - before my insurance stops covering them. (Apparently, once you turn 45, you're not supposed to want to have children anymore!) The doctor stated that what I did depended on how aggressive I wanted to be, but it also depends on what this stuff all costs. My insurance does not cover IVF, so in spite of the fact that he recommends we start with that right away, that won't be happening.

So, next...bloodwork and the ultrasound - and my nurse. Again, very kind! These two ladies made the whole thing bearable. I really think, though, that if I didn't want this thing so badly, I would have walked out after the first few minutes with the doctor. Before he left the room after the initial consultation, he asked if I had anything else, and I let him know what changes I've been going through lately - thinking that he might be impressed that I've lost a little over 65 pounds since last November, and have been getting healthier by the day. He didn't even blink an eye. My understanding was, the healthier you are in general, the better everything works...including fertility. Is all my effort in vain? I really don't think so, but just for a moment, I wondered.

My weight loss motivation:
One of my biggest motivators is this whole pregnancy thing...for several reasons.
1 - I want to be at a healthier weight when I get pregnant to better insure a healthy pregnancy.
2 - If obesity is causing irregular menstrual cycles, losing weight can improve that. (I have noticed that I am much more regular than I used to be.)
3 - The less I weigh BEFORE I get pregnant, the less I'll have to lose after.
4 - THE BIG ONE - I want people to know I'm pregnant and not just wonder if I've gained weight!

The whole "baby bump" desire (besides wanting to be healthier) is my biggest driver that keeps me from eating the crap that I used to. My desire to be healthy now greatly outweighs my desire for junk food. It is more firmly tied to wanting to be healthy, but in the beginning the "baby bump" was a much bigger driver.

So...after all this pregnancy stuff has been driving me on my health quest and then to be told that with IVF (the most aggressive treatment - that I can't afford, and my insurance doesn't cover) my chances of actually delivering a child were about 5% - for my age group (as the dr kept mentioning); and that all other treatments went down from there; why would someone even want to bother trying? I'm really trying not to dwell on that, but his words keep coming back and haunting me...at least for today.

I need to spend some time now dwelling on what God's Word tells me...that He gives us the desires of our hearts. I need to keep reminding myself that this is GOING to happen - regardless of what the statistics say! Abraham had great faith because he called things that were not so as though they were. That is how faith works. So let me start now...I am going to conceive...and I am going to have a healthy baby!! I declare that is the way it is going to be!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sounds like you are keeping a sound mind and thinking/feeling things through, though you probably don't feel like you are! As you mentioned, though not exactly weigh-loss related-this was worth writing/reading about as it is an important part of your weight loss journey! However things work out, have faith that it is for the best. All the children that you are in touch with now are lucky to have you in their lives. I do hope it works out the way that you wish and I wish you all the best in this regard. Keep persevering, it is worth it!
    3649 days ago
    Stay positive and keep going on your journey to better health. Be ready for a future that will have a child.
    3649 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7462245
    Where do these doctors come from who have no compassion? Just put him behind you, or at least his personality, if you can, and you go right ahead, conceive, have a healthy pregnancy, and a beautiful baby. We all know God grants miracles every day. Your reference to Abraham at the end of your blog is proof. Another reference in a comment about Hannah -- more proof.

    And on a more personal note, my younger brother (8 years younger to be exact) was conceived and born to my mother when she was 42; my father was 53. My brother is now 56 years old. The only thing wrong with him is that he's always taken great joy in aggravating me!

    May God bless you and your husband as your move toward your dream of having children. Never let anyone what you can or can't do -- lean on God for everything!

    Blessings and peace,
    3655 days ago
    You are correct, this is between you and God. Forget the Dr. and his lack of compassion. Maybe there is another dr. you could consult with? Also, don't get down about his lack of interest in your weight loss efforts/healthy lifestyle efforts. I'm amazed that I've always been told to lose weight and since my heaviest about 4 years and 40 lbs ago, not once has a dr. said anything about my weight loss. Whether I'm at the weight they think I should be doesn't really matter, it's still a loss with good healthy changes overall. But they don't care about that.

    Stick to your dreams and talk with God. I pray he blesses you with your hearts desire.
    3655 days ago
    Who cares what this man thinks!? I'll be praying for you and your soon-to-be-conceived baby! With a will like yours there's no way that you will fail. I just wish I could be there after you deliver him/her and tell that doctor, 'told you so!' emoticon
    3655 days ago
  • JACKIEP1961
    Never Say Never!

    I am so glad that your blog ended on such a positive note after so much negativity from your Doctor. You are right to say 'I will' and please keep thinking that way.

    Sending lots of emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon your way.

    Jackie x
    3655 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1336516
    Oh Sweetie.... I am so sorry you have had this negative experience... But I agree with the others... All things are possible with God and we will not lose hope. We are standing in the gap... praying and believing His promises...
    3655 days ago
    Remember Hannah how she wanted a child so bad and that she did finally conceive. Keep the faith. I did have a child in my previous marriage but now I cannot have anymore with my present husband and we really did not want any but one day God put this child into my life that need a loving home and the faith to believe that all things are possible. He received his kidney in 2007 and has been with us ever since. He is thriving everyday. He is the reason I went on this weight loss journey too. So that I could run and play with him and live a healthy life for him and because God let us borrow these bodies so we should take care of what belongs to Him. And in saying that we never know what God has in store for us. God has a plan for each of us we do not know where it will lead us but we know that our footsteps are ordered by Him. So keep on stepping and He will keep on guiding us.
    3655 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5959732
    With God all things are possible! You are in my prayers! emoticon
    3655 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6447544
    Sweetie, I know that as long as you believe in God nothing, absolutely nothing is impossible emoticon
    3655 days ago
  • KEAMOM1510
    Wow, your doctor stinks! LOL. I hate to hear that you had such a horrible experience yesterday and that you were alone during it. There are thousands of moms over 40 out there. You have every right to a child and a pregnancy like everyone else. You look great, you worked hard, go for it!!
    3655 days ago
    Good Luck on this journey. It is amazing that they have such a heartless doctor in that position. He should be more compassionate.
    3655 days ago
  • WOMYN42
    I hope all your dreams and prayers are answered. I was lucky enough to have two beautiful daughters - the 1st when I was 19 and the second when I was 21. I would have had 3 more kids, but found out that my husband didn't really LIKE kids...and that shot my dreams down the drain. Of course, it all worked out for the best....there's truth to the song "Unanswered Prayers". Anyway, my youngest daughter had to go through fertility treatments and IVF in order to get pregnant with my first grandson....I think it was because she had really messed up her body with a combination of anorexia and bulemia when she was in her mid-to-late teens and early 20s. But, once she had David, her body seemed to kick back into normal gear, and she got pregnant twice more without any further help. I hope you get to experience the joy of Motherhood....there just isn't anything like it!
    3655 days ago
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