Sentive Topic on personal abusive relationships- read with caution and objectivity
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
(Readers note before reading content: I say man a lot in this situation but i mean men and women who are abusive or any relationship that is abusive, its just statistical cases i have reviewed in england show more information concerning men, and it is in My Oppinion all things are said and therefore are based on my interpretation of facts being a heterosexual woman who has dealt with men.)
Recently, I have been having a similar trial happen over and over again(read like 5-6 times) in slightly different variations for the last few years. It concerns men and the way I relate to them. And also the way they relate to me.
I am now learning how to overcome this, to see men as they truely are and not what i wish them to be, and also to stand up for me when their oppion of me differs from my own oppinion of me. I have been in the past a magnet for men who want to use and abuse me, but I am realising now, that I can not only spot them, i dont owe them anything. Just because a man pay attention to me, has an oppinion about me, or tries to seduce, use, manipulate or charm me does NOT mean I owe them anything.
The only man I owe anything is Jesus, and subsequently our mutual Heavenly Father and God Eternal. Just because a man may claim to hold the priesthood of our mutual Father and Brother Jesus does not mean that man's oppinion is more important than mine. (Or replaces God's oppinion of me or replaces personal revelation or replaces what the prophet says!)
So I think I'm finally done learning this. I have set some clear bottom lines:
1) I am an LDS
2) becuase of this I choose not to date non lds men, inactive lds men, or unrighteous lds men, or any man who uses his power for coercison manipulation, degredation or any other malicious purposes towards women animals or any human life.
3) My life is based on choices between me and God, not between me and man.
4) I choose who to give my heart and life to and God will always come first.
5) just because I struggle with teachings in the church, and with certain life long problems that dont follow the teachings of the church does NOT mean i am unable or unworthy of working towards the temple, and a righteous man. I DO deserve a righteous man because I am trying my best even as an imperfect human to be righteous.
6) My children will always come before a man unless I am remarried and then they will all be equal.
7) and the most classic line of all i have heard over and over again lately from all these "good men" as they call themselves is that I will never find anyone better than they are. My abusive ex husband said this. Mr. G said this, Mike said this and more recently the person I chose to have no association with said this. To all of them I say good riddance, a truely respectful and humble man would not blame me for their lack of being a good person. They would wish me well and hoping the best for me as I do all them.
8) these men are not my responsibility to like, be friends with, to encourage, to contact or even talk to. They are to be removed from my life the moment i notice them being this way.
9) it is completely possible in a good healthy relationship with the opposite sex and to be friends with out sex. Any man who tells me otherwise is lying to me, himself and just trying to get down and dirty- and to use me!
Whew, i've needed to make that absolutly clear with myself again and again and put up reminders around the house lol.
There is a statistic in england that says 1 out of 7 men is abusive. I seem to attract those one. But no longer because they wont be using me anymore. I'm not a victim to these men if I dont let them.
The warning signs of abuse I have learned to spot and run away from.
1) Cutting off or interrupting your sentence. In female friendship relationships we learn to have a free for all conversation, but with the opposite sex, when a man over rides a woman continually to say his oppinion, it is a blantant sign of disrespect. It also I have noticed is a way to silence a woman and there fore have what she says not matter, or be less important than what he says. (this can go both ways with women cutting in mens conversations too, but with most woemn i have observed this is either a nervous habit or an over eager habit rather than abusive or malicious).
2) Being secretive. Examples: Never answering the phone. Not introducing you to friends. NEver talking about his family friends or home life ect.
3) Objectifying you. In the case of my ex husband it was comparing me to other women. Being possessive in public. In the case of other men I have met since then it is making statments on the type of clothes you should wear, or subtle hints like comparing you immediately to super stars, constantly giving you compliments to get something in return. Only wanting to talk about sex or sex related topics. ect.
4) Being the "king of the castle". This is similar to the control of sentences but its more action based rather than vocally based. In this case the man check your emails with out permission. He may always want the dates on his time and in his place. This is one of the harder ones to place because it initially, even up to 2 - 3 years in the realtionship can show its self as excessive charm. Holding the door open for you turns into not ever allowing you to open a door on your own ect.
Every woman desereves a man who is better than this and to treat herself better than this!!!
I will come back to this later but any other observations people have or want to add to my list please feel free to. or to friendly debate or discuss these.
Taking personal responsibility for myself in this way is really helping me feel great in my personal emotional, mental and physical health. :)