I want to preface this by saying, as you read this, please don't read it as though I need pity or judgement.
I am going to state something that is simply...a fact. I am not looking for any 'encouragement' by writing this.
I HAVE to write this for me and for my journey....I don't see it as negative talk or a pity party...I simply see it as a fact of my life that occurs from time to time and I need to learn how to address it as I am fully aware that it is an issue...one that I have lived with since I was roughly 14 or 15....I am now 42 and it is rearing it's ugly head again, and to be quite honest, I never thought it possible at this stage in my life.
My topic today is Bulimia.
As an adolescent, part of my daily eating regimen was purging. I remember all too well how I felt after eating something that I KNEW was 'unhealthy' or would contribute to any possible weight gain.
I don't really know how, or why it all stopped, however it simply did. I think it actually stopped somewhere along my first pregnancy when I was told to stop dropping lbs or I would be admitted to a hospital and forced to eat. I never saw purging as a problem, EVER.
To be quite honest, I thought for the longest time that was simply how everybody felt after eating.
I had a friend in High School and another in College and another when I was 'all grown up' who seemed to be the same so it seemed 'NORMAL' to be this way.
I was never so hard core as to be admitted to a hospital, but hard core enough that it was an every day occurrence, like after EVERY meal.
This went on for years...until my son was about a year I'd say...I was almost 30 at that point.
Then the feelings went away...I ate and didn't feel like purging EVERY time I had cake or spaghetti or meat....not sure what happened to make it stop but that worked for me...for a while.
I remember WISHING I could purge sometimes, but not often.
Anyway, this week has been a week filled with luncheons and suppers for special events, and although I am really watching my intake...I am certainly at the upper end of my caloric intake, and on Thursday I went over by 600 and yesterday by 100.
Friday's we go out at work, to 'celebrate' yet another completed and survived work week. We do this EVERY week. I don't mind as I can always get a healthy meal that stays within my caloric intake range plus I exercise enough these days that I can 'afford' it.
Yesterday we went out and I had prime rib (8oz) with fresh steamed veggies...no potatoes or anything else...not a bad food choice. I figured I would eat half and take the other half home.
Well, I found myself scarfing that prime rib back as it was SOOO good. I ate the whole thing, which truly made me feel disgusting afterwards. All those old feelings I remember having came back. I felt sick to my stomach and seriously had to throw up.
I found myself sitting in a public washroom, tossing it all up...I still felt horrible afterwards. I know it wasn't a one time thing....I felt the same feelings, physically and mentally that I have felt far too many times before.
I honestly had no clue that at my age I could relapse....seriously. But I have been doing a bit of Internet research to find that YES indeed, it is actually quite common for people who have suffered from bulimia to become overweight and then relapse again in adulthood...$HITTY!!!
So all this to say, that now I have to seriously watch out for this AGAIN, and ensure that I am not 'over exercising' and purging and using laxatives for the wrong reasons.
I know I have become hyper vigilant on my exercises and food intakes. I am seriously going to have to do some deep inner searching to find out why the relapse MAY be coming on...I could be wrong, perhaps I was just feeling crappy....but I know I can't ignore these signs.
I wanted to post about it more to be ACCOUNTABLE than anything else, and maybe to help someone else who MAY be going through this same experience.
I don't feel negative about it or bad about it...just AWARE. I know I can't possibly be the only one who has gone through this in her life...and I know that it is weird being on a site that supports healthy lifestyle changes and typically this is for overweight people learning get thinner and healthier, which typically doesn't involve bulimia as a route to these benefits (at least one would hope not anyway! )
But I am here to tell you bulimia can hit any shape or size. It comes in many forms:
purging, fasting, laxatives, over exercising, diuretics, and even enemas...sometimes a few times a week...or sometimes several times DAILY.
Here's to a healthy recovery!
And here's to educating those who never knew overweight people suffer too...SILENTLY, usually!
But I no longer want to fight this alone. But I DO want to fight this!!!
Thanks for reading Sparkers.
RUN RUN RUN!!