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A very personal blog entry today...

Saturday, August 21, 2010

I want to preface this by saying, as you read this, please don't read it as though I need pity or judgement.

I am going to state something that is simply...a fact. I am not looking for any 'encouragement' by writing this.

I HAVE to write this for me and for my journey....I don't see it as negative talk or a pity party...I simply see it as a fact of my life that occurs from time to time and I need to learn how to address it as I am fully aware that it is an issue...one that I have lived with since I was roughly 14 or 15....I am now 42 and it is rearing it's ugly head again, and to be quite honest, I never thought it possible at this stage in my life.

My topic today is Bulimia.

As an adolescent, part of my daily eating regimen was purging. I remember all too well how I felt after eating something that I KNEW was 'unhealthy' or would contribute to any possible weight gain.
I don't really know how, or why it all stopped, however it simply did. I think it actually stopped somewhere along my first pregnancy when I was told to stop dropping lbs or I would be admitted to a hospital and forced to eat. I never saw purging as a problem, EVER.
To be quite honest, I thought for the longest time that was simply how everybody felt after eating.

I had a friend in High School and another in College and another when I was 'all grown up' who seemed to be the same so it seemed 'NORMAL' to be this way.

I was never so hard core as to be admitted to a hospital, but hard core enough that it was an every day occurrence, like after EVERY meal.
This went on for years...until my son was about a year I'd say...I was almost 30 at that point.

Then the feelings went away...I ate and didn't feel like purging EVERY time I had cake or spaghetti or meat....not sure what happened to make it stop but that worked for me...for a while.
I remember WISHING I could purge sometimes, but not often.

Anyway, this week has been a week filled with luncheons and suppers for special events, and although I am really watching my intake...I am certainly at the upper end of my caloric intake, and on Thursday I went over by 600 and yesterday by 100.

Friday's we go out at work, to 'celebrate' yet another completed and survived work week. We do this EVERY week. I don't mind as I can always get a healthy meal that stays within my caloric intake range plus I exercise enough these days that I can 'afford' it.

Yesterday we went out and I had prime rib (8oz) with fresh steamed veggies...no potatoes or anything else...not a bad food choice. I figured I would eat half and take the other half home.

Well, I found myself scarfing that prime rib back as it was SOOO good. I ate the whole thing, which truly made me feel disgusting afterwards. All those old feelings I remember having came back. I felt sick to my stomach and seriously had to throw up.

I found myself sitting in a public washroom, tossing it all up...I still felt horrible afterwards. I know it wasn't a one time thing....I felt the same feelings, physically and mentally that I have felt far too many times before.

I honestly had no clue that at my age I could relapse....seriously. But I have been doing a bit of Internet research to find that YES indeed, it is actually quite common for people who have suffered from bulimia to become overweight and then relapse again in adulthood...$HITTY!!!

So all this to say, that now I have to seriously watch out for this AGAIN, and ensure that I am not 'over exercising' and purging and using laxatives for the wrong reasons.

I know I have become hyper vigilant on my exercises and food intakes. I am seriously going to have to do some deep inner searching to find out why the relapse MAY be coming on...I could be wrong, perhaps I was just feeling crappy....but I know I can't ignore these signs.

I wanted to post about it more to be ACCOUNTABLE than anything else, and maybe to help someone else who MAY be going through this same experience.

I don't feel negative about it or bad about it...just AWARE. I know I can't possibly be the only one who has gone through this in her life...and I know that it is weird being on a site that supports healthy lifestyle changes and typically this is for overweight people learning get thinner and healthier, which typically doesn't involve bulimia as a route to these benefits (at least one would hope not anyway! )

But I am here to tell you bulimia can hit any shape or size. It comes in many forms:
purging, fasting, laxatives, over exercising, diuretics, and even enemas...sometimes a few times a week...or sometimes several times DAILY.

Here's to a healthy recovery!
And here's to educating those who never knew overweight people suffer too...SILENTLY, usually!
But I no longer want to fight this alone. But I DO want to fight this!!!

Thanks for reading Sparkers.

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    Thank you for trusting us enough to share. emoticon
    3751 days ago
  • SEKMET23
    You sound very strong and aware. Best of luck and take care of yourself.
    3752 days ago
    3752 days ago
    When I was in high school I over excersied. I never did the purge thing but I would dance hard for hours on top of my normal activities which included 10 miles a day on average from Cross Country practice. I trained in the winter time and then I ran track in the spring. So to say the least I was obsessed. It is great that you are aware of your issues. Remember that it is ok if you need to see a doctor. I wish you the best of luck in the future.
    3752 days ago
    You don't mention ever getting professional attention for this. A professional might be able to help you get through the feelings and find out how to deal with them.
    3752 days ago
    I read your post as you had asked. It was wonderful that you shared it with us. Thanks for sharing.
    3752 days ago
    Wow. Either I have a really bad memory (ok, we all know I do) or I never knew that. Serious stuff there. No wonder you were so skinny. hehehehehehe :) just teasing! It is pretty clear that you know it is a bad thing. Thats good! I might not always comment but I check here daily. Keep inspiring!!! emoticon
    3752 days ago
  • COLE060783
    I think it is very "big" of you to post this. That it is great you at least realize what it is you need to watch out for. I think with any disorder or addiction it is a life long process. I will you good luck and healthy habits!! :)
    3752 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7491867
    thanks for posting this! I am pleased to hear that you are aware of the behaviour and are on a quest to figure it what it means for you. Take care :)

    3752 days ago
    WOW! What a STRONG, POWERFUL and POSITIVE post. Yes, they may seem like odd words with your subject matter.... but that's exactly what I thought as I read your blog. I think it's remarkable that you're "AWARE" and looking for causes for a relapse.

    I wish you well and GOOD LUCK. Take care!
    3752 days ago
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