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Mind wandering walker here

Monday, August 30, 2010

Hi Spark Friends,

I hope everybody had a great weekend.

Saturday, I tucked my phone in my pocket and went outside to stretch and started on my walk and went to put my head phones and listen to some Prince to help me move and I was so disapointed to realize that my phone wasn't charged and I couldn't take pictures and I couldn't walk to Kiss or Cream or delerious or raspberry beret or she's got the look or .............well you get the picture. Then I realized that meant that I couldn't take any pics:(
The motivation went right out of me like the air from a tire and I moved slower then molasses goin up hill. I tried to speed it up when an elderly woman came out of nowhere and limped past me. LOL.

After a time I found a faster pace and thought about the sports car with the two beautiful girls in the back flicking their hair around and watching the people watching them and feeling oh so superior. I also thought of the tall college guy that I said good morning to, who turned his nose up at the chubby older woman who smiled and said, "Good Morning."
I remembered a time, I guess it was before my two kids, around fifteen years ago, when I was 26 and still being carded for alcohol, when guys stopped and stared and smiled and tried to get my attention,and even ran to open doors for me, and flirted outrageously with little tiny size 4 me.( I was too thin then, maybe from smoking)

I don't need all that attention, but sometimes, I miss people just being nice. I go to the store sometimes on a Friday and I stand in line with the college girls and I see the store clerks being ever soooo nice to them and then quicky making my change and not even offering to bag my stuff. Sometimes I feel invisible. Does anyone else feel this way?

I realize it is part of getting older and that I had my time and for the most part I am content, but I am not content with the shape I am in so I am working on it and enjoying the newfound strength and I can even glimpse muscle beneath the flab. WOW!

Then my thoughts pondered how did I let myself get this way? I realize it was the struggle my life has been. It is a little bit genetic, but a lot my reason was that I didn't think that I mattered. I grew up in foster care and then I entered into a few abusive relationships and turned to food for comfort. I became a caretaker for everyone, but me, basically I was a doormat. BUT NOT ANYMORE! I am taking care of me now. I am no longer a door mat. I am no longer going to save the world. I am going to save myself and my children. ME FIRST!I cannot take care of them unless I take care of me. You know like in the plane when they teach you to give yourself oxygen and then your child because if you have no oxygen then you cannot help your child.

Anyways, then my mind wandered to the bible and how it says your body is your temple and I realize I need to take better care of my temple and then I question what happens to your body when you go to heaven? I think you are just a spirit, and thin like air, but I am not sure.If I go to heaven in this body and show up naked, boy am I going to be embarrassed. LOL

I took Sunday off and went to church and out to eat with my family. I ate a little too much, but I forgave myself and today is a new day. My muscles have been sore lately and so I started the morning with 10 min of gentle yoga and then a fast half hour walk and then another 10 min of yoga. I am going to do some situps and a little bit of arm weights and I want to try out my new bike seat cover and see if I can ride and sit down afterwards without wincing. I may walk later with the kids or play frisbee with my boyfriend.

I hope this mind wandering, head in the clouds, walker didn't bore you. Sorry I am kind of wandering from topic to topic, but overall, today, I feel awesome!! I want to thank all of you who have written to me and given me kind words of encouragement. You have been such a great help! I Love Spark People. GO SPARKPEOPLE!! HAVE FUN.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post

    You know you need to pick up the pace when little old ladies limp past you...lol

    Glad to hear you have started making you the number one priority!! You are not invisible and as you continue to work on you and your feelings change so will your perception! Hold on tight you are in for a wile ride.

    CONGRATS on walking without your music and being able to take pictures. Sometimes time for reflection is good as long as it motivates you and does not find you stuck!!

    Take Care,
    3677 days ago
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