It's been almost 13 years since my mother abruptly passed. The circumstances were bizarre and it left me with a lot of things unsaid. I could go on and on about that but there is nothing to benefit from that and the great risk that I get back into my funk from yesterday.
One of my side projects right now is to get my old Grand Am all cleaned up and ready for sale. Last Saturday, I was cleaning the trunk out and found an old briefcase full of documents that were my mothers before she passed. There were some really interesting documents in there including her divorce paperwork, the airline tickets from when she moved us from Alaska to Portland, tax records. The kind of stuff you file away. Among this slew of paperwork was a series of exhibits and exchanges of letters for an attorney she used to work for. She and I had a falling out about a year before she passed, so I didn't realize all the specifics of what I poured through yesterday (yes, that's part of the grief, that I never got to reconcile with her because of her prison boyfriend that took over her life and pushed me out so he could better control her.). What I found was a series of vile letters from her former employer that makes me want to drive to Portland and castrate him. I know that attorneys are supposed to be strong and take control, but they shouldn't be evil. My mother worked for him for years, often putting in over 80 hours a week. It's just so hard to think that this scum could have contributed to her state of mind and potentially our loss of her life.
I explained to my partner that I had a junky day and why (without going into details) and he was super supportive as I took my angst upstairs and sewed hammocks for 5 hours for a small animal rescue that I had promised. After I had depleted stacks of fabric, I took a break to eat, still no closer on how to help close the door on this.
Before bed, I decided that I can write him a letter. A vicious, degrading, and belittling letter to help me feel better and hopefully have him treat people better in the future. With that thought in my brain, I was able to fall asleep. I want to take some time to write this but am now uncertain that I should send it. The thing is, as big of a pile of poo that he is, he isn't the person responsible for us loosing her. He's running around scott free, probably around Klamath Falls. That is, if he isn't back in prison...
I wish I hadn't ever opened that case and had just given it to my level headed older brother. Not to say that I'm not level headed, but my original plan was to just hand all the documents over to Chuck and let him see if there was anything he felt we should keep. It would have saved me some grief, but would have surely caused him some.
You'd think that after 13 years, it would get a little easier... Plus, it was her birthday yesterday...
I'm going to work out the next three nights. I've kept myself from falling into the emotional eating cycle, so that is it's own little success. Okay, it's sort of a big success.
Perhaps, with age comes wisdom.
I don't know if any of my friends on here has gone through anything like this before, but some feedback would be good. I know that I need to write this letter to him, but am unsure if I should send it. I'm pretty skeptical that it would do any good. The guy was a real ass most of the time she worked for him already. A dog just doesn't change his spots!!!