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Unsure what to do with my anger & greif...

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

It's been almost 13 years since my mother abruptly passed. The circumstances were bizarre and it left me with a lot of things unsaid. I could go on and on about that but there is nothing to benefit from that and the great risk that I get back into my funk from yesterday.

One of my side projects right now is to get my old Grand Am all cleaned up and ready for sale. Last Saturday, I was cleaning the trunk out and found an old briefcase full of documents that were my mothers before she passed. There were some really interesting documents in there including her divorce paperwork, the airline tickets from when she moved us from Alaska to Portland, tax records. The kind of stuff you file away. Among this slew of paperwork was a series of exhibits and exchanges of letters for an attorney she used to work for. She and I had a falling out about a year before she passed, so I didn't realize all the specifics of what I poured through yesterday (yes, that's part of the grief, that I never got to reconcile with her because of her prison boyfriend that took over her life and pushed me out so he could better control her.). What I found was a series of vile letters from her former employer that makes me want to drive to Portland and castrate him. I know that attorneys are supposed to be strong and take control, but they shouldn't be evil. My mother worked for him for years, often putting in over 80 hours a week. It's just so hard to think that this scum could have contributed to her state of mind and potentially our loss of her life.

I explained to my partner that I had a junky day and why (without going into details) and he was super supportive as I took my angst upstairs and sewed hammocks for 5 hours for a small animal rescue that I had promised. After I had depleted stacks of fabric, I took a break to eat, still no closer on how to help close the door on this.

Before bed, I decided that I can write him a letter. A vicious, degrading, and belittling letter to help me feel better and hopefully have him treat people better in the future. With that thought in my brain, I was able to fall asleep. I want to take some time to write this but am now uncertain that I should send it. The thing is, as big of a pile of poo that he is, he isn't the person responsible for us loosing her. He's running around scott free, probably around Klamath Falls. That is, if he isn't back in prison...

I wish I hadn't ever opened that case and had just given it to my level headed older brother. Not to say that I'm not level headed, but my original plan was to just hand all the documents over to Chuck and let him see if there was anything he felt we should keep. It would have saved me some grief, but would have surely caused him some.

You'd think that after 13 years, it would get a little easier... Plus, it was her birthday yesterday...

I'm going to work out the next three nights. I've kept myself from falling into the emotional eating cycle, so that is it's own little success. Okay, it's sort of a big success.
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Perhaps, with age comes wisdom.

I don't know if any of my friends on here has gone through anything like this before, but some feedback would be good. I know that I need to write this letter to him, but am unsure if I should send it. I'm pretty skeptical that it would do any good. The guy was a real ass most of the time she worked for him already. A dog just doesn't change his spots!!!
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  • DEEGIRL50
    I love NUSL8T European tradition of letting the smoke carry your words to your mother. In fact, her whole response had very heart-felt good advice.

    You really opened a Pandora's box when you found that case. You can't change the awful man or the past. I hope you did let your feelings out and then let it go.

    Focus on the happier memories of your mother. She definitely left this world too soon. She left a wonderful part of her behind though (you and your brothers)!!

    emoticon
    3872 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2362834
    emoticon emoticon emoticon I'm so sorry, it is hard when things are unresolved. And it's astounding how things can throw us right back into the memories and the hurt and the pain. It's ok to grieve and feel them, they are natural and part of our bodies way of screaming something craptacular is happening. I think it helps to release the emotion. Write the letter, even if you never send it. Let me ask you... If he replied, would you want to engage? Where does it lead? There are times when we have to just bite it and choose to leave it and move on. And the tears come when we have to make that kind of hard decision.

    as for what happened between you and your mom, there is an old European tradition to write a letter (& i like to tie it up with a pretty ribbon & squirt of perfume), then burn it, letting the smoke carry the words to them in heaven... until we meet again.

    We can't change the past, but we can realize that we did the best we could then. We meant well and we tried, and that is ok. If we could truly change things now, we would...

    It is important to release the pain, the hurt, the guilt, the anger... deep breaths, to choose to walk forward, take the steps to nourish and take care of yourself. You don't deserve a whipping, regret or guilt. What's done is done, it is what it is... and if you knew then what you know now... and if you could have you would have maybe done differently... or have given it your best shot....

    oh wait, you did that!

    it took 2 to tango, and sadly, your mom is gone but I am sure that she loved you, as a baby, as a child, in your youth... and imagine she had as much angst, emotion and turmoil over this as you did.... if she had lived, perhaps you would have reconciled, i like to think that would have happened...

    so when you can, choose to forgive her too, and don't let it hurt you now....

    (& I know that words rarely can ease the pain, so I hope this helps, if not today during the emotion but as it eases again and you find yourself back to your normal happy self again :)
    3883 days ago
  • FLUFFBUSTER
    I just love you guys!!! I'm going to walk away from it for a few days and enjoy a much anticipated girls weekend in Port Orchard. Afterwards, I will come home and compose my letter to him. It will not be rushed or kind, as I do not intend to send it to him. In reality, people are the way that they are and it's not my responsibility to save anyone, especially people that I don't even know. Talk about trying to do too much!

    As we didn't know about the circumstances with him when she passed, he was extended an invitation to the services. If he had a guilty conscience, it was his burden and contributed to his absence that day. In any case, there's no changing the past and he isn't ever going to be a part of my future. I'm going to write my letter, tear it up, put it in the toilet, relive myself (sorry, probably TMI), flush, and let it all go. My brothers don't need to be burdened with it. Neither of them are in the same field and aren't likely to have the misfortune to encounter him in the future.

    I'm going to reference my notes, set an example for success, and change what I can and let the past be the past.

    Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions.
    emoticon emoticon
    3883 days ago
  • TIMTARTRIS
    sorry that you're going through so much anguish. write the letter and stow it away. I'd consider grief counseling as well. take care. lori
    3883 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2357972
    emoticon
    3884 days ago
  • TOWHEE
    By all means write the letter. Doing that will get the anger and frustration out of your system and on to a piece of paper. Personally, I would burn the letter, just as SMERICKSON1 suggests. I wouldn't send the letter for fear of retaliation.

    I lost my mother 30 years ago and I still think of her. I don't get as teary-eyed as I used to, but Mother's Day and her birthday are still difficult times.
    3884 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4429274
    Write it. Then seal it up and put it away somewhere. Give it to a trusted friend, lock it in a safe deposit box, or whatever else you do so you don't open it or lose it. And in a few months, decide to send it or discard it.

    Time isn't a factor here, right? It's been thirteen years. Another few months won't make a difference. But YOU will be the one making the decision to send or trash it, not the surprise and anger and grief that are flaring up right now.

    Good luck through all of this.

    SDJ
    3884 days ago
  • KNITTABLES
    So sorry you are going through this but congrats on not letting your emotions make you eat.
    I would write the letter, put everything into it, read it to yourself and then send it if you wan't to or do what I did burn the letter and watch all that anger and frustrtions and what every else your feeling go up in flames. It made me feel better and I hope that you will find some peace or relief. I went through a totally different thing. Hang in there.
    3884 days ago
  • AINTSKEERD
    First, emoticon on not giving into the emotional eating binge. Write the letter, for sure. If you want to be friends with the guy, emoticon don't mail it. If you don't ever have any intention or desire, it does not matter whether you mail it or not. Definitely write it, though.
    emoticon tam
    3884 days ago
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