not feeling quite myself

I have to start.. first by saying that I dont really know who myself really is... for a long time I thought I knew who I was... but now... overeating... and overindulging... and always doing the wrong thing... seems ..well first of all...not right... and second...feels like a little more of the old self, which is something I dont really want... I am really trying to face life with a different attitude... but I cant seem to control my anxiety regarding food... thus... overeating and gaining weight... and THAT is something I cant.. I just cant do!
The thing is... I am about to turn 30(subject for another blog entry) and I dont like the idea...I know I know... I cant help it... it's eventually come to pass... BUT i haaaate the idea... of becoming OLDer... I've always hated it...not only cus I know what old age does to ppl... but cus i think(i guess ill forget about the other entry) old ppl are not valued enough and not respected enough(in my country at least)... and i dont wanna wind up like abe simpson from the simpsons...sad sad...
right now i look at myself... it is 9.59 pm... and i see my (growing) belly... ugly...i see my surgery scar(s), my stretch marks(ugh) and...(ok I guess by now you have realized my self steem is not really part of my life...)i feel ugly... fat... losing hair...losing and wasting years of my life... dont have any kids... dont have a husband... or a bf... and I have been alone for far too long now... and i guess iI'll end up having lots of dogs(dont like cats) and alone alone... and I am really... like REALLY scared of that... loneliness is really a bad counselor and a really sucky friend...
you might think that this facing life with a new attitude is pure crap... but it works when Im not whinnin about my being this desperate or lonely...
ugh
i hate this pity party and i guess tonight... my pillow will be the only witness to the upcoming tears... im sad... on the verge of losing it... and i dont want to...
im not making much sense, if any... so i guess I'll go to bed...
hugs to my dear friends here... whom i miss a lot!!
and i dont know what else to say..
help???!

hugs
Wen