Back on track!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
After quite an emotional week and weekend last week, I am back on track finally yesterday and today. It feels good.
Some explanation: I moved to California at the end of May, beginning of June to be with my bf out here. We are currently staying with his father, who has terminal cancer. I grew up with a fairly close family, but we aren't the type that need to have constant contact to stay close. In essence, all us kids were raised to be pretty independent, me most of all being the youngest and the only girl. We generally aren't needy people. My bf's father is a VERY needy person (not including the sorry for myself cancer thing-which I do get to a degree). We have had a 'bit' of trouble adjusting. I am also a clean person. Everything (for the most part) has its place and doesn't need to be strewn across the floor. I tend to be a clean freak (bugs freak me out if they are inside my living space). Needless to say, his dad is not. The house is dusty, the curtains in every room save the room my bf and i sleep in are at least 25 years old and have never been taken down to be cleaned. I am and have been going crazy. My asthma and allergies flare up at all the time with no given notice, we finally got his father to smoke ONLY outside and in the garage. I am not really allowed to clean, and this weekend I was informed by my bf's sister that "it is not my house, so I don't have the right to change anything (even if it is only cleaning the place up--it costs to much to change anything)." Blew my mind.
The house belongs to the grandmother, who is in a facility in another state with dementia. She is 93 years old. The father has terminal cancer with maybe another 8 months to go, if we are lucky. The house has so much stuff in it that needs to be gone through and labeled and cleaned out it is scary. My offer to help and clean, apparently no wanted. My take on the matter? I let it go. I keep my living space cleaned and dust free. I try to keep the kitchen dust free and clean. I was also informed that I am supposed to be telling his father when I/we leave the house, when we get back, where we are going, how long we may be. We are also supposed to inform him when we go to bed. I have issues with this. 1. for medical emergencies, WTH happened to 911? I do not mind him having my number to call, but as I am STILL searching for a job, I really don't have a clue how long I will be out and about searching. 2. I am a 33 year old woman that has not reported to anyone for about the past 15 years.
Oh, and to top it off, I was also diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis when I was 20. Stress tends to make the disease flare up. So I am also taking double doses of my naproxen to keep it somewhat under control. I have been so mentally, emotionally, and physically drained the past 2 weeks that all I have wanted to do is sleep.
So Sunday, I called my mom and one of my best friends (mamachef) and talked to them for nearly 4 hours. I came up with a solution. If I am not employed soon (date to be determined by the bf and I this week) I will be returning to Indiana to look for a job. My parents (they really do take care of us all our lives) will be helping me get home. I let the stress about the house go, after all, it most definitely isn't my home, and will let the family stress about what is going to happen to everything in this house when the bf dad passes. It is probably crass sounding, but it isn't worth my health to worry about something they don't seem to worry about. (point in fact also, they have never had to deal with handling affairs after a death of a loved one on their own). I finally let it go. By the time that comes, I will either be back home in Indiana, or we will financially sound enough to have our own place.
I went to McDonald's on Sunday and had a totally bad for me Quarter Pounder with Cheese and a super size fry and a large regular coke. It was SOOOOOOOOOOOO good!!!! (really really good) I did pay for it later of course, my belly wasn't quite right the rest of the day since I haven't really had any fast food in the 4 months I have been in CA save Subway.
Letting it go, I can feel my body slowly responding to me trying to let go of the stress. I have 2 more applications to turn in this week. I will redo my resume tomorrow and send it off to the staffing agencies once again. Praying I will get a job soon out here so we can start building financially again to be prepared to be on our own when the time comes. If I have to, leaving him will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I know that we will eventually be able to be together again.
Rant over!! I am back on track and ready to do what I can to get ME healthy.