Back in 2009, I had a crisis of epic proportions – and it had everything to do with banana nut muffins. I’d like to lay the blame directly at the feet of one Mr. Alton Brown (of Good Eats fame) however his cookbook has a very clear disclaimer about the dangers of homemade muffins. I read the disclaimer and scoffed – everything in moderation – HA! Teach me, oh Master of Muffins and all Things Good to Eat, and I SHALL LEARN. I shall make you PROUD. I shall make MUFFINS!
Yep – I learned how to make some KILLER banana nut muffins in the spring of 2009, thanks to Alton Brown’s cookbooks. You see, I have a food allergy to dairy which makes most yummy muffins, cakes and other pastries off limits to me. But Mr. Brown, my savior, published a cookbook and taught me the SCIENCE of cooking. I learned what would be a good substitute for milk in different muffins and I CONQUERED them ALL! Unfortunately, I ate them all too… Ok, not all of them, but more than were stated in the disclaimer as “safe.” Ooops…
To give you all a better idea why this is a HUGE problem, you need a bit of history. My battle with weight has been different than most. I came from a wonderfully fit family and it was considered almost shameful to be overweight. We rarely snacked and had very little junk food in the house. Pretty good lessons on the eating front, to be sure. When I graduated from high school I was just under 115# and 5’4”. Petite by most regards.
More accurately, I was raised in a world where “fat” was not an option. The underlying opinion in my home was that people who were overweight “let themselves go” and just didn’t care about their health. Sadly, this converted into a significant prejudice about weight on my part. Couple that with my own issue with self-acceptance and personal failure (which, by the way, is not an option) and you get a bad mix.
How do these two things go together to make up me?
Well, once upon a time in a city far, far away, a princess (who didn't know she was a princess, she thought she was a dowdy scullery girl) went college. That college was far from her home and gained about 10 pounds in the first few months of dorm life.
When she returned home for a weekend, the weight was duly noted upn her entry into the family palace. I believe the phrase was “Wow. YOU got fat.” It doesn’t matter who said it or why, just that the poor girl’s heart was broken.
For the next 2 years, she ate very little (we are talking toast with cream cheese and raw veggies) and got her weight back down to an acceptable 112. Of course she got very sick, mostly because she was allergic to said cream cheese, but that is of no importance to the tale…
She kept her weight at 112 until she got pregnant. At the 7 month mark, and weighing a whopping 135, her family announced a visit. As you can imagine, she was hesitant to see her family. “Please,” she pleaded, “you know I got fat, right?” During the visit, no one said a word, but in her heart she could feel the disapointment.
Just in case you are wondering what 113 looks like on 5’4” – it is VERY petite. Unhealthy looking even.
Fast Forward 6 years to the birth of the 2nd son. The princess has identified her allergy and is now a happy and healthy 127 pounds; a much safer and better weight, mind you, than those of her early years. However, as with all fairy tales, tragedy strikes. The princess suffers a spinal injury. She is heavily medicated and partially paralyzed (ok, it was only her left arm that didn’t work, but still) for over a year and a half. At her 30th birthday, she weighed in at 195+. Yep – not petite by any stretch.
Mind you that her doctors were not concerned and none of them wanted to take her off the meds she was on. One doctor could even be quoted as saying “women gain weight as they get older” and “cut back on what you eat.”
She was ashamed of what she had become. After the surgery to repair her back, she worked for 5 years to get her weight under control. Finally deciding that 130-135 was an ideal range for her.
Oh my was that a long hard journey, but it was done the right way – until those muffins at least. So back to the present and those muffins…
In 2009 I went on a binge and ended up gaining 20 pounds back of that weight I had lost. Those muffins almost got me. My clothes got tight and I went up a size or 2. I panicked. I will NOT let this happen again. I will turn 40 like I turned 30! I will FIX this! I deserve to spend my 40th birthday fit and healthy; to ENJOY the life I have in front of me!
Since that moment of realization (last year about this time) my perspective has changed. I have realized it nothing short of dedication to ME will KEEP me happy, healthy and alive. It is ongoing maintenance, not fix and forget. I vow to always take care of myself and to stay active and healthy for ever.
Sounds like SP better never go away :) because I need it.
I have met some of the most wonderful people on SparkPeople and I am grateful for each and every one of them. Every one of us is on a different journey and has different goals; however each of us has one thing in common. We want something better for ourselves and we intend to do something about it.
Thank you spark friends for sharing in this with me, supporting me and for being a guiding light. Your triumphs motivate me and your thoughts help me keep perspective. If I love myself first; and do what is right for me FIRST; and do not care what other people think about ME (it is really none of their business) then I WILL succeed. Of course that success will only be a happy one if there are people to share it with.
For that, I want to keep you all around.
Now, there are some really ripe bananas
downstairs that need attention… I promise to only eat one.