Demons: we all have them
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I don't know what else to call what happened to me emotionally yesterday. I am not sure where to even begin. I had a very rough child hood, I am not one to just complain, or blame things on a bad child hood, but it was bad. I have and will continue to the best I can for my kids due to many of the things that went on when I was young. One of the main things that always gets me is the weight. I began to put on weight around 8 y/o. My mom was a very young mom, and decided she needed to be young again and that she didn’t want the whole family kids thing. So that left me to try and figure things out on my own for many years. I had family within 5 minutes of me, but no one cared. They knew I was alone, for days at a time, they knew I was scared, they knew I didn't have food for days, but no one cared. When there was food, I ate it, I ate all I could get my hands on. During times, when my mom would slow down and be home for a few days, there was food, I would eat until I was sick, and then eat again. My grandmother took my little sister to live with her, because she was soooo young and I was strong, mind you we are only ONE year apart. so for years I was in a very bad place in life. I don't hate anyone for it, I don't resent anyone for it, I don't blame the relationship I have with food on anyone. I have forgiven my mother and the other members of my family. My Mom and I became best friends later in life, and she was the best Nana in the world to my children. I lost her when I was only 25, we had alot of years left to be Mom and daughter.
Now that you have some of the history, lets get back to yesterday. My grandmother, is 76 Y/O and getting a bit depressed, a bit down, a bit forgetful. The age is getting to her. So here sets in the guilt, I have family members calling me telling me I need to make sure Grandma eats. I can do that, I can take food by to her, no big deal. I am the closest granddaughter with her. So I made a big dinner Sunday to take her some on Monday. Driving to her house after work I lost it, all the emotions hit me like a brick! I thought I would have to pull over I was so upset. Thinking that I had time to make sure she was OK, but no one did when I was growing up. Not her, not my aunt that called me, and the aunt who lives RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO MY GRANDMA!!!! Why why why, is what I was asking myself??? Did no one care for all those years, if I ate, if I was alone, if I was scared, if I went to school, if I had electricity? I composed myself, because I do love my Grandma, and I am glad I can help her. The more I think about it the more upset I get, these 2 woman lived 5 minutes from me, did not work, and they couldn't take 5 minuets a day to see that I had a sandwich, or something! I work full time, have 4 kids to take care of, but every time they need me I am there. I know it is the past, but it is eating me up today. I am hoping by getting it out I will feel better. I am hoping to someday, have a healthy relationship with food.
Thank you all for listening, I really try not to be negative, and always be positive and supportive, but today I am that hurt, scared neglected little girl again. And once again I am trying to compose myself; I am at work, and need to put on a happy face.