Rock [Kerry] Hard place
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Things have been so difficult recently. My pain has been the worst ever in my life. I'm struggling with everything because of the pain and fatigue. Right now I'm not able to cook hardly at all. I got a crock pot and a convection toaster oven to try to help, but even with those, I'm still frequently unable to do anything. I haven't been to the gym in 2 months. I think being in the pool might help, but getting there, changing, swimming, changing again and getting home, is literally more than I can do right now.
I'm having to find out about having a home health aide, to help with my household, because I can't do my laundry and struggle to get to the grocery store or do other household duties.
I saw my nutritionist and doctor at the weight loss clinic, but they said I can only keep trying. If I can't exercise, I can only focus on my eating, but if I can't cook, then I end up ordering out. And ordering out is always less healthy and triggers a binge, not to mention is very expensive. This past week I've just been not eating or eating take out. I don't know what else to do. I know it's not helpful, but I'm stuck.
School is killing me. This is my tenth year in college and I should be able to graduate this spring. I'm on Plan D. I had to give up being a doctor, give up a bachelor's in nursing, then an associates in nursing... I just need to finish these two semesters to finally have a bachelors - not that it looks like I'll ever be able to work again. It would be only to satisfy the 10 years or work I've put into it.
Everything seems impossible with the pain and fatigue right now. All my doctors are waiting on the Enbrel, which has another 4 weeks for possible results. Then if that doesn't work, it will be another several weeks for something else and the pain management doctor doesn't think I'll get approved for a chronic pain regimen because of my history of depression. Evidently, if you have a mood disorder you deserve to be in pain, because it's not worth the risk for insurance companies to try you on pain meds. It's going to be another battle and I don't know if I can make it.
I know losing weight will help the pain, but I've got to be functioning to be able to lose weight. I'm so overwhelmed and scared right now. I'm down to the last few options and none of which are that great, nor that likely to help.
I'm tired of complaining all the time, but this pain and fatigue are consuming my life. I can't go out with friends, I'm not making it to classes, I'm crying all the time.
My social worker wants me to cut back on my classes, but that means I won't graduate this spring. I don't think I can handle that disappointment again. Even if I only cut a few classes, it would just mean that my limitations have prevented me from achieving any success again. It's breaking my heart.
Sorry for the sob story. I'm just struggling worse than I ever have in my whole life. I thought when I got out of my abusive past and through the depression, things were goin to get better and I still had the hope for a good future. Now, I'm not so sure.