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Where am I going wrong?

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Well, right now, my life is complicated.

We have a 2 bedroom house. Seven people living in it. My husband, me, my 20 year old daughter, her 23 year old boyfriend, and their 3 year old son. My 17 year old daughter, and my 15 year old son.

So, here lately things have been hectic around here. My 20 year old, lost her job. So, her family had to move back in. I don't have a problem with that. They are helping us with the bills.

There has been so much chaos in this house. So, I had put some rules down. My oldest either has to go by my rules or she can move out. My 17, (which will be 18 the 11th of Feb) has to go by my rules or wait 4 months to move out. (She graduates in May, I do not allow my kids to move out before they graduate, although my oldest one did, since I had no legal authority to force her to stay). Anyway, my youngest has to go by my rules or wait 3 years and 4 months, then he can move out.

Everything was going good. As for the most part, it is still going good. But............

Well, let me expain.

My 20 year old, (at the time was 16), got pregnant. I did not know she even had a boyfriend. How could she? She had been grounded for 3 months. (She was grounded 30 days at a time, but kept messing up). Anyway, as it turned out she was sneaking out.

Well, my 17 year old (14 at the time) was in deep shock, as we all were. She was not going to what my oldest one has done. No way, no how...She is going to college, (which my 20 year old, went then dropped out, but she claims she's going back), and such. Well, when she was 16, she got caught sneaking out of a friends house to spend the night with her boyfriend, (as with my oldest, I didn't know she had a boyfriend). I admit...I did flip out. I told her I would send her off before I have to go through what I went through with my oldest one. Her come back was..."Momma I'm not her, I am not going to get pregnant. I didn't have sex. and blah blah blah"....Ok, so I dealt with the sneaking out, and believed her.

She is graduating this year in May. She is almost accepted at one college. This college is just waiting on her transcript from her highschool, and then they are going to get the scholarships going. So, I am/was happy for her.

As you know, she is 17 right now. In a little over 3 weeks she'll be 18. She does have a boyfriend. Her boyfriend is 19. He has one child already. In November, I had a talk with her about birth control. Her come back was...."Momma, you know how much I am into church, you know how I want to wait until I am married, I want to go to college and blah blah blah."

Well, I told her..."Things happen hon. I know how strongly you feel about this, but it can happen. I want you on birth control". She said..."I don't believe in birth control, because to me, it's a form of abortion. I am against abortion and you know this."....I tried explaining to her it is not a form of abortion, it's precaution. She says, if it's meant for me to have a baby then God wanted me to have a baby. But, don't worry about momma, I'm not going to have sex."

Well, I would say, me being niave, but not really, it's really me being stupid and believing her. I went through it with my oldest, you'd think I'd learn from it.

I asked her a few nights ago if her and her boyfriend have slept together. She was honest with me, and said yes. We had a LONG talk. Right now, she is 4 days late. She's never been late before, early yes, but not late.

I told her, I don't think her dad will have anything to do with her. Instead of her being concerned, she said.."What about my sister?? Daddy has something to do with her, and she was 16. I'm almost 18." He only had something to do with her at that time because I forced him to. I couldn't deal with them not having anything to do with each other. I don't know how my husband is going to react.

She and her dad just started getting really close, and now this. I don't know what to do. I know I have to see if she is even pregnant, but how can I tell her daddy??

She seems pretty excited about it. I don't know how to handle it. I know she's almost 18. I know she'll be 18 when (if she is pregnant) she has the baby, but she has to finish high school, and then college? This college she is almost accepted to will not allow her to stay on campus with a baby. She said.....I can do online classes.....Yeah, like my oldest one did???

How do I punish an (almost) 18 year old?? Legally she can move out. So, ok, I ground her...Now what...She moves out?? She does have a job and goes to school. She does have a car, but no driver's license. How is she going to get to school? or work? or to dr appointments?? My husband probably can turn his back on her, but I can't. Maybe it's a mother's thing?? I don't know. But I don't want her to be happy about it, when I've warned her before it happened. She was so head strong about college and now all of a sudden she wants to do it online. This is fine, but like my oldest one, she never finished.

She asked me this morning if I would take her to the Health Dept to see if she is. If I don't, she will find a way to get there. Then she will probably not tell me until she is 18. So, she does want me there with her, but I don't and can't be excited. I am too hurt, and angry. I just can't do it. I don't know what to do.

Sorry this is so long, but I had to let it out. As you can see, I can't tell anyone anything right now, other than you all.

So, thanks for listening, and again sorry this is so long.

God bless you.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You don't need to deal with all the added stress in your life. Technically, 7 people CAN'T live in a 2 bedroom house, so you must give you daughter and her 'family' a deadline to move out or you get permanent house guest. 3 months is enough time for them to get back on their feet.

    As for your daughter, she will be raising this child by herself, so have HER plan out her life after the birth of her child. Where will she be living, how will she support it? She should be able to finish high school . . . but what about her plans for college? How much her 'boyfriend' supports his other child is a clear indication of how much support she can get. At 19 I doubt he has a full time job with health benefit which will cover a new child. If her own sister after at this point can't make it then what makes her as a single parent think she will be different? It is great that you get to vent, but hold these people accountable and don't feel YOU should shoulder the burden of their decisions.
    3563 days ago
    Your not doing wrong anywhere. Your daughters at the ones that decided to do what they have. They will have to live with their choices. I was on birth control and still came up pregnant at 17 1/2. I was already married thank goodness (husband was in the military so my mom signed the papers for us to get married early, so it would take some of the financial burden off my mom. she was a single mother) He came home 2 months after we got married on leave, i remembered my pill everyday as soon as i got up. And i still got pregnant. I am now 35 and getting ready to go back to school. It is never to late for them to go to school. Be there for them. Encourage them to go back to school, they might have to go the long way around but it is possible with kids. (i let my husband go to school before me). Your a wonderful mother and you did do everything you could vs forcing them. I would have a strong talk with your husband. He made those children, it is wrong to turn his back on them.
    3565 days ago
    Wow!! Praying for the whole situation
    3565 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9020567
    *Hugs* for you, what a tough situation. You are a wonderful parent and the fact that your daughter may be pregnant does not diminish that in the least. Sometimes even though we have ideas for what we want (and want for others), things go the exact opposite way, despite all our careful planning. I know it's hard not to stress and obsess over it right now, but remember we don't know for sure if she really is pregnant (even being late can be attributed to stress/hormonal changes etc). Would you (and she) be comfortable with buying a home pregnancy test? Please do not think you "went wrong" anywhere- from your post you sound like a loving mother who only wants what's best for her children. Don't beat yourself up about what you can't control! More *hugs*!!!
    3565 days ago
    God Bless YOU! My youngest denied having sex until she had to tell me she was preggers.......and I would've voluntarily put her on BC too. Her response was I can't get pregnant if I am not having sex. Yeah...famous last words.
    3565 days ago
    best of luck in a difficult situation. many prayers for your daughter as well.
    3565 days ago
    I will be thinking about you and praying for you today... Hang in there, and keep us posted
    3565 days ago
    wow i have so much going threw my head right know, I'm going to send you a message. hang in and remeber we are here for you and so is God.
    3565 days ago
  • JMAGEE8871
    First of all, you are not doing anything wrong. You were proactive in talking to her and trying to obtain birth control for her.

    I understand completely what you are going through. I have twins, one had a baby last year at 18 and the other one is due in April. I took both of them to Planned Parenthood and purchased the birth control for them. I spent a lot of time beating myself up that I had done something wrong and finally realized they made the decision not to use the birth control.

    It is hard to watch our children struggle and miss out on alot of experiences because they became mothers, but you just have to love them and always let them know you are there. Everything will be okay in the end, otherwise it's not the end yet.
    3565 days ago
  • BARBIE042
    You vent with us anytime you need too we might be here for weight loss , but we are all friends to help one another through anything else as well. Becasue all in all it is a support system here . Plus please don't forget God is with you turn to him for guidance and ask him to show and tell you the way to handle this , and he will.

    3565 days ago
    That is what we are here for to listen to each others problems and offer support if we can. Do not be afraid vent or comment when you need or want to.

    3565 days ago
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