Make a choice
Sunday, February 27, 2011
So, day 1 last week was a success and everyday since then has been a disaster. I've been on a binge for a few days now. It's crazy because I know what I want and I am doing exactly the opposite. Eating whatever I can get my hands on. It's the same self destructive behavior that I have been putting upon myself for years.
I know I need to change, I know it would benefit my health but in the moment, I don't care about anything else other than eating. This evening I am going to sit down and go through my bank account to look at the money I have wasted buying fast food. Hopefully that will help kick things in gear.
It scares me that I am back in a place of thinking about what I want and doing nothing about it. What is the problem? Clearly, I know the problem lays within myself, that I am not actually committing to making a change but WHY do I keep doing this to myself? I am falling back into a place of feeling no hope for "changing." The other day, I even reasoned with myself, this is who I am just meant to be.
How ridiculous, sure I am meant to be me, my personality, my quirkiness, my attitude and outlook... but a size, a weight doesn't equal a person. Why am I trying to reason that being overweight is just part of me? It isn't I am overweight because of the food choices that I make. It's not necessarily the food choice itself, it is the AMOUNT I choose to eat and the lack of exercise. I know these things yet I still eat, eat and eat. I've got to get out of this cloud, through this fog and back to a healthy reality. I do not want to be this person who constantly thinks of food or the next meal. Food does not define me yet it makes up most of my time, whether that is in thoughts or consumption. Food consumes my thoughts these days. My addiction. My love. My friend. My enemy. My source of energy. My lack of energy. My existence. My disease. My lover. My obsession. My confusion. My faith. My end of existence. MY CHOICE. Make a choice, make a choice, make a choice!